the opportunity to be part of complicated

Friendships can be so complicated..really, any relationship between two people can be complicated.  Different perspectives, different opinions, different backgrounds, and different communication styles are just a few of the bridges that are crossed when we interact with others.  We, needing to cross their bridge as the relationship developes and they needing to cross ours.

Since the beginning of the year, I have had the opportunity to be part of a complicated friendship.  It was not a new friendship that had birthed itself with complicated but instead one that had several years of harmonious history behind it.  A solid friendship that had founds itself quite complicated over the course of less than a months time.

Misunderstanding with a lack of communication turned to frustration
frustration with a lack of communication turned to reaction
reaction with a lack of healthy communication turned to more frustration
more frustration finally turned to division.

By mid summer the friendship had divided itself and in my mind, a stop loss occurred.  We had stopped the friendship so that no more damage could be done- there would be no more loss.  The division between us had not been advertised by either one of us and only a few other people knew about all that had gone on.  I told myself it was all contained, only affecting she and I, when we parted ways and carried on life.

Last Sunday, the Lord graciously allowed a conversation between myself and another precious woman to take place.  This precious woman was telling me about how the Lord brings good from hard times and how He brings things together for our good and His Glory, even when it doesn't seem like it.  Very ungraciously, I fired back with an angry response that went something like this 'Yes, the Lord does do that BUT it does not make what others do to us ok!'  Basically meaning that if someone hurts me, yes, the Lord will bring about his Glory and my good from the situation but I still have a right to be angry at the offender- a right to carry my case around, even only inside my own head, and use it to justify the resentment I felt.

Proverbs 4:23 

'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.'

After the conversation, I headed into Sunday School. Even as I sat down in the Sunday School Class, I could feel the Holy Spirit laying on my heart how rude my response had been.  I sat there with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for a couple of minutes and realized that I needed to go find the woman I had just verbally vomited on and apologize.  She was gracious in the apology and we both carried on.  She, not realizing how much our conversation impacted my heart and I, knowing that the belief I had told myself, that the divided friendship was compartmentalized and I had moved on from it, was not true. I had not guarded my heart by confessing my anger to the Lord and asking Him to help me deal with it, instead, I had tucked it deep inside my heart and put on a good facade that all was ok.....but that's all it was, a facade.

After church, I knew I needed to send a text, to pursue meeting with the friend who I had the complicated relationship with.  I was not thinking we would regain a friendship but instead come to a place where we could both agree to disagree and move on with peace between us.  Agree that when we see each other we would at least say 'hi' and not go out of our way to avoid the other person.

It was not planned this way, but a 3rd party was able to be in on some of our meeting.  This person was able to overhear both sides of the story- They were able to hear both of us pour out what had hurt and frustrated us.  They were able to hear what each of us thought had brought us to the place we had found ourselves in that day.  As the meeting was winding down, this friend and I had decided it was probably best to move on from the relationship and not seek anything other than respectful common ground between us.  We were not able to get on the same page, even during the meeting.

'I think it's the wrong choice, letting the friendship go' was the repeated words that came out of the 3rd parties mouth.

'Then how do we move forward from this?  If we move forward in friendship reconciliation (as opposed to letting the friendship go and just being peaceful acquaintances) how can we get past our differences!!?'

'Choose to let the past go and then choose to think the best about the other person'

'Choose to not assume the worst about the other but think the best about them every time you see them (and in the meantime)' Was the advise given to us. 

This person then went on to say that too often we let our Spiritual Family go when we are offended- we friend hop, church hop, and really have no loyalty other than to our offenses (letting our offended hearts dictate when we stay in a relationship, church, etc. instead of letting grace and forgiveness reign)

HUH? was what my initial thought was-
Where's the justice in that.  Let all the past go.....smmmmhhh....

'Don't think about the past (in terms of the hurt and frustration)- Don't let your mind go there- MOVE ON and press forward in forgiveness and the understanding that you will choose to only think good about each other.'

Something clicked in my heart as the 3rd party was saying all of this.  I knew the words spoken were true but it seemed too easily hard.  Such a easy thing to do.....only think good about someone- if you hadn't been hurt by them.  Such a hard thing to do....when hurt and frustration have been reigning in your mind for almost a year.  

This friend and I both looked at each other as the 3rd party was talking and I could see that we were both profoundly affected by not only the words being said but by the hurt and frustration that had gone on.  Neither one of us were going to walk out the winner if we tried to hold on to our offenses- we would both loose.  We would loose a friendship, we would loose the chance to learn how to die to self and see another point of view, we would miss out on the great opportunity of offering grace and forgiveness.  We would, most importantly, miss out on a cross opportunity- A chance to live in the freedom of why Jesus died on the cross for us....so that we could be free from having to carry anger, bitterness, unforgiveness.

This friend and I hugged at the end of the meeting and agreed to move forward in pursuing friendship reconciliation.  We haven't seen each other since our meeting- we haven't had the opportunity to BUT I have had many an opportunity to think about the situation- I have had hours and hours of choosing to think only good about this friend.  

Here's to good relationships gone bad only to find hope at the foot of the cross and become good again.....It really is a God thing :)