When my heart wants to fear

I spent most of my 20's crippled and broken by fear, in bondage and paralyzed by the past, present, and the what-ifs of the future.  The sturdy mental construction of fear, built around my mind with what felt like an impenetrable wall, was holding me captive.  What I didn't realize, at the time, was that the wall I was building was founded on lies and held together by my misplaced focus.  I was focusing on the here and now, the perceived control I thought I needed, the what-ifs of the future, and the trauma's of things past.  The weight crushed me and for almost 10 years I felt intensely broken.

I've told the story before, in much more detail (to read the story click HERE).  

14 years ago, I was delivered of anxiety attacks and the bondage of fear.  I wish I could say that with my deliverance came a free pass from ever feeling worry or fear again, but it didn't.  Depending on the day, fear is always trying to gain the loudest attention in my mind- always trying to overtake truth.  For me, it is much like a chronic disease that needs to be managed and something the Lord and I work through on an almost daily basis- whom am I going to trust, Him or my own fear.  To date, God is who I have chosen to rest in....but what I've come to realize is that God's rest is only as good as my choice to submit to Him- His peace wins over my worry when I continually choose to focus on Him and walk in His truths.  God's peace will always be offered, no matter what and no matter the situation, but whether I choose to walk in and rest in it is up to me.

My heart wants to fear (to the point of panic), especially in the season we are currently in.  There are moments my heart wants to fear so bad, it aches.  Every logical thought I have is screaming at me that pandemics, especially ones that are airborne and can live on surfaces outside the human body, are still a giant threat no matter how many precautions you take- the threat always looming but at times feels like an overwhelming doom.  But even as the screaming thoughts try to take over, a peace that passes all understanding still has its root.  It is still the truth I consider the most reliable and trustworthy and the one I turn to even over my own perceived 'logic'.....

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27 NIV

Being mindful and smart about how we move forward each day along with protecting ourselves and other....Absolutely.  Loosing hope and feeling like things are out of control...oh no, no, no.  God is still on the throne, still in control, and still working out all things for our good and His glory, no matter what our circumstances look like...no matter what.