Sunday we will gather again in Church's around the world to celebrate that He rose from the dead.
I hear it said over and over that the best way to explain something is to talk from your own personal experience. Below you will see what Jesus dying on the cross means to me- You will also see the power of His resurrection- That he did indeed rise from that grave and conquer sin and death, all so that we could have life. A healed life here on earth and eternal life.
But please don't just take my word for it- Go find out for yourself!! Below is my story:
38 years ago today, Sept. 16, 1975, I was born............It was a complicated birth- not physically speaking but emotionally. My mom and dad were struggling- my dad struggling with a choice he made to marry my mom- he had already been married, divorced, and had a child with the woman he considered his first love. My mom struggling to hold on to the man that was not only the father of her 2 girls- but the man who she thought of as her first love.
Shortly after I was born my dad choose to trade the struggle of staying for the freedom of going....
'For we know that God will use all things for the good...'
My dad remarried and had 2 more children...
My mom remarried a man who had 2 children...
It became complicated once again- now 4 people who were broken with 7 children involved trying to navigate through the baggage of the past along with the weight of the present
2 divorces followed.....
After my mom's second divorce she heard about a church in a town about a half hour away- just shy of my 8th birthday we, as a family of 3, walked through this Non-Denominational Christian Church's doors for the first time, never dreaming that within a short time, we would make a life altering decision...All 3 of us accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior...
Even after hearing about Jesus and accepting Him into my heart I still felt abandoned- I knew that God loved me but I figured that He did not have control in my life circumstances (everything always felt so out of control) so at a very young age I decided that I needed to control my life and everything surrounding or coming into contact with my life-
I have always had a stronger upfront ‘tell you like it is’ personality- With the nagging feeling of abandonment mixed with my strong personality and the need to control my environment, by the time I entered Junior High I was a force to be reckoned with- - I did everything possible to stay far away from experiencing any sort of abandonment feelings- I liked to keep my friends at arms length and not completely attach because in my mind what if the friendship changed and I got hurt- I also used my personality to control anyone and everyone I could- I did not want to let anyone get to close because they would see that I had a lot of pain and insecurity.
I heard my youth pastor and pastor saying to take all of your feelings to God- I would glare and shake my head thinking to myself that God might have control in their life circumstances but He definitely did not have any sort of control in my life circumstances- If He had any sort of control and protection over my life or me he would have allowed my family to stay together- I also thought that God must see in me something that was not good enough- All lies from Satan that I tucked away in my heart and believed. What I did not see was that God was protecting me and loving me with an amazing covering love through all of this- He knew how desperately I needed love and stability and would send the right person at the right time- I did not realize this until many years later as I looked back over my life.
I met my husband Matt my Soph. year
in high school- We became good friends but never dated. He graduated with my sister my junior year
and I thought we would loose contact. He
started calling me pretty much every night my Senior Year- I graduated from
high school and started dating Matt that same week and were married a year
later- I had graduated when I was 17 and was married by the time I was 18- Like
the years in High School when my life was focused on sports so I was able to
compartmentalize how abandoned I felt, for the first couple of years after I
got married I was so busy completing beauty school and having my son Eli I did
not have much time to focus on the lie that Satan had fed me all those years ago
that I was abandoned and something must not be good enough about me-
A year after Eli was born I started
feeling weird……tired and sick- I was 21 years old, had been married for 3
years, and had a 1 year old- In my mind I was definitely not ready to have
another baby- When the pregnancy test came up positive the first word out of my
mouth was the F word- followed by ‘I do not want to have another baby!’
A month later I had a miscarriage- I
have never felt more grief than when I laid on the bed in the doctor’s office
and she told me that the baby inside of me had died- She assured me it was my
body’s way of taking care of a baby when there was something wrong with it-
Satan used that moment to feed me another lie- ‘God took your baby from you
because you said you did not want it’. The grief and guilt were almost more than I could bare- In my mind, I
had not only been abandoned by my earthly father but my Heavenly father was
punishing me for not wanting to be pregnant. Deep in my heart I felt like I had killed my baby.
I was desperately looking to make up
for the baby I had just miscarried – Matt and I decided to try again- I was
pregnant within a couple of months- I sang this baby praises, thanked God for
the pregnancy and just knew that I could control this pregnancy and
successfully deliver a healthy baby if I proved to God that I really did want
to be pregnant. When I was 3 months
along I had another miscarriage- As I miscarried the baby that was so wanted, Satan gave me the last and final lie that would change my life for the next ten
years………
GOD ABANDONED YOU- HE IS PUNISHING
YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF HIS LOVE- JUST LIKE YOU WERE NOT WORTHY OF
YOUR REAL DAD’S LOVE- THERE IS SOMETHING SO BAD ABOUT YOU THAT NOT EVEN GOD
COULD LOVE…
Shortly after that I was driving on
the freeway and had my first anxiety attack- The miscarriage had been very hard
on not only my emotional health but also on my physical body- I was having some
complications that I should have gone to the doctor for but choose not to. As I was driving on the freeway I started
feeling like I was going to black out- I pulled over on the side of the freeway
– my hands started tingling and my mouth felt really weird- I was having a hard
time catching my breath- I drove myself to the emergency room and told the
staff I thought I was having a stroke.
The doctor looked me over and told me I had had an anxiety attack- he
pointed to my head and said It was all up there and that I needed to seek
psychiatric help- He then sat in a chair and told me all about his ex-wife and
how she had anxiety attacks and that she was crazy too-
When I left the hospital that day I
felt like I was broken into a million pieces.
Having an anxiety attack makes you feel like you are out of control- it
makes you feel like your body has a mind of it’s own and takes over-It feels
like there is nothing you can do to stop the symptoms of your anxiety and like
you are going to ‘loose your mind’. What I
would not learn until years later was that anxiety attacks may make me ‘feel’ a
certain way but the reality is even though I may not have felt in control of my
body and feelings at the time, God was in complete control of not only my life
but of my emotions, hurts, and feelings- I was so busy trying to control my own
life because I thought my strong will would get me through any circumstances
that I never gave God a stitch of room to work in my life. God will never loose control of our feelings
or lives- One of the many reasons He sent the Holy Spirit to live inside of
believers is because He knew Satan would do everything he could to hurt and
cripple us so bad we would never live a life of freedom. I became scared to drive on the freeway…….scared that I would have an anxiety attack while driving on it- It became what is known as a phobia (a persistent fear of a situation which you will go great lengths to avoid that particular situation). When I would try to drive on the freeway I would start feeling the feelings I did when I was having my first panic attack and would have to pull off at the nearest exit- I came to a point where I would only drive on side streets.
I was able to get pregnant with my
son Ryan- When he was born I remember staring at him and crying- thanking God
for him. I also figured that God had
forgiven me and had come back into my life again- Along with that feeling also
came an exaggerated feeling that I would need to prove that I would be an
amazing parent……… In my mind, because I was not healed from my feeling of
abandonment, being an amazing parent meant I would never do anything I deemed
was ‘risky’ or could cause me to loose my life- I would read stories in the
newspaper that included someone having an allergic reaction to a bee sting and
dying- All of the sudden being outside in the summer when bee’s were just
naturally flying around would cause me to have an anxiety attack- The list
could go on and on…..Satan was having a hay day in my mind and because I had
not yet surrendered my pain and hurt from my past to the Lord, I was allowing
Satan’s deception to go deeper and deeper into my heart-…….The bondage I was in
getting bigger and bigger.
As I was falling deeper and deeper
into Anxiety 9/11 happened- I watched from Television the planes hit the twin
towers, and because I had no sense of balance or truth, when that persistent
nagging feeling (which was nothing more than Satan’s shooting fiery darts of
lies to my wide open heart) told me that flying on an airplane was a huge risk and
that I should never do it again, the nagging feeling also assured me if I were
to ever fly again, the plane would crash and I would die- leaving my children
abandoned. I choose to believe the lie
and vowed to my strong willed self that I would never fly on an airplane again-
After all, what kind of a parent would I be to do something I knew would cost
me my life.
Satan is smart He is also the master
of destruction and deception. There is not one thing any of us are
experiencing or battling right now that someone in previous generations has not
experienced- He has been around for generation after generation to see how
human’s respond to the lies he tries to get us to believe- He knows what works
and what doesn’t work…….I’m not the first person to battle anxiety
attacks. He’s good at making his lies
seem like truth- He also knows what our family background is and what worked on
our parents- He see’s how we are all raised, and because our parents are not
perfect he tries to take any ‘baggage’ our parents have dealt with and make
sure it get’s passed down to the kids- My mom’s mom had anxiety and was pretty
much a shut in- meaning she barely left her house- my mom battled anxiety- and
I was battling anxiety……
For as smart as Satan is God is even
smarter- While Satan is busy being the master of destruction and deception, God
is busy being the master of healing and truth….It say’s in the Bible that where
the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom (2 Cor 3:17)- It also says that
Truth will set you free (John 8:32)…..I was to a point with my anxiety attacks that they were swallowing me up- I was barely able to leave my house- I was consumed with ‘what if’ thoughts that were filled with fear. I wanted so much better for my boys……I wanted them to see a life of faith and not fear. At my lowest point with anxiety it was literally all I could do to go outside of my house- It was all I could do to get in my car and drive my boys to school every day- Some day’s I would call Matt and beg him to go with me to bring them because leaving my house felt so unsafe- Miserable was not even the right word to describe how I felt…….I was a train wreck- The very thing that was my biggest fear- Which was abandoning my boys was happening. I might have been physically present but emotionally I was checked out- Checked out to my own fears. I could not even enjoy doing things with them because all I would see was the lack of control I had over my environment- If they were playing a soccer game I was consumed with watching for bees that could possibly sting me etc…such a selfish focus on my part.
Almost 10 years after my first
Anxiety Attack I knew I needed help- I had developed a fear of taking pills
during those years. I love how the Lord
can take something crazy like the fear of taking pills and use it for His glory. Because of this fear I was
looking for anything that would help me cope with anxiety that was not pill
related. I had heard from my sister in
law about a Bible Study Leader that was over the top for the Lord- She swore
the Lord could redeem any life- I googled her and found out she had put out a
Bible Study called ‘Breaking Free’- I was able get the VHS tapes. As I sat in the comfort zone of my house
watching the leader talk about how God offered freedom to prisoners- She
described what the lies from Satan looked like, and what bondage was all about
I sobbed- She was describing me…..She encouraged the people watching the Bible
Study to get into God’s Word- She said that God’s word was sharper than any
double edge sword and could cut through any lie from Satan- She also talked
about how God promised that He would heal anyone who came to Him- and how he
promised a life of peace-
As I was watching the Bible Study I
had a burning desire to know more about God’s peace- I wanted to know more
about the promises God made to believers- I also wanted to know if God had the
power He said He did- I figured I had nothing to lose as I opened my Bible that
first day- I had one mission…..Read the entire thing.
In the
course of 1 year’s time I read through my Bible- I read things like ‘The Lord
will never leave me (Deut. 31:7-8)’ and that there was no place I could Go that
God was not present (Psalm 139)- I also read that God loved me with an
unconditional everlasting Love. This did not line up with the feeling I had
that I was abandoned by God or that God did not love me because I was not worth
His love- Either my feelings were wrong or God claimed to be someone He was
not-
I went
on to read that God had Ordained all the days of my life before I was even born
(Psalm 139) and that the plans He had for me were good- He wanted to prosper me
and not harm me (Jer. 29:11). This
totally went against my belief that I needed to control my environment because
God did not have it under control- If these verses were right then God had
allowed the divorce of my parents and 2 miscarriages not because He had
abandoned me and did not love me but because He could bring good from those
hard situations and loved me enough and saw a strength in me that could handle
to be entrusted with both those situations- He claimed that All things worked
together for Good for those that Love Him…..If the Bible was correct why did I
have anxiety? Why did I have no peace?
How
would I ever know if God was who He claimed to be in the Bible? He was saying 1 thing but I was ‘feeling’
something totally different. I had to
know for myself who was right- The irrational fears that had consumed my life
for almost 10 years or the simple claim that Christ could set me free from the
fear- The fear of going on those anti anxiety pills was still fresh enough in
my mind and the desperation for peace raging through my mind I did the only
logical thing I could think of-
Booked a
flight to Hawaii…..6 hours over the pacific ocean at 36,000 feet in the air was
going to prove who was right- My irrational fears or God…
Satan
was not going to give up that easy- he wanted me to stay as far away from
freedom- The trip was booked a couple of months in advance- My whole family was
going- In those 2 months I started dreaming the plane was going to crash- I
would wake up TERRIFIED just as the plane was hitting the water and the screams
of myself and family were surrounding me……I would wake up, jump out of bed and
stay up for hours pacing in our house- sometimes I would call out to Matt and
beg him to hold me- At one point I had such a bad anxiety attack I thought I
would have to go to the hospital- What Satan didn’t consider when He was
sending those fearful thoughts my way was that as strong as my mind was to
accept his lies of fear I had, over the course of reading through my Bible, I
had developed a desire to follow God’s Truths- It say’s in Isaiah 55 that God’s
word will not return void- It will accomplish the purpose for which God gave it
to us……one of the Bible’s purposes is to speak Truth- After the night I had such a bad anxiety
attack I knew I needed God’s help because Satan had to big of a hold on my mind
for me to fight him in my own strength.
I cried out to God for help and felt peace for the first time…..I
started doing a few things that, to this day I still do when I feel Satan’s attacks. I started sleeping with my Bible either under
my pillow or on my chest. When I would
start getting scared, I could feel under my pillow my Bible and it was a
physical reminder that God would never leave me- I also started standing up to
my fearful emotions with actual scripture- When Satan would send that feeling
of the plane crashing I would repeat Phil 4:6 ‘Be anxious about nothing, but in
everything by prayer and petition make your requests known to God and the peace
of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in
Christ Jesus’- Is 54:16 ‘No weapons forged against you will prevail’…..When I
would stand up to Satan’s lies with God’s truth I noticed my anxiety would calm
down considerably-
I
remember the night I had the same plane crashing dream and I felt up under my
pillow to my Bible- As I grabbed it and hung on for dear life and repeated my
memory verses, the thought crossed my mind that I would rather be at the bottom
of the Pacific Ocean, having died in a plane wreck (of course my soul would be
in heaven not at the bottom of the ocean, only my physical body would be) than
experience 1 more day of anxiety- It was after that thought I was able to close
my eyes and go back to sleep without even a shred of anxiety.I was getting some faith confidence in my everyday struggle with anxiety but what would it be like when I boarded the airplane? Was God stronger than all of my fearful thoughts?
As the plane door shut, I was shaking and had my Bible on my lap- I thought I was going to throw up…I knew if the Lord did not come through with His promise to give me a sound mind and a peace that passed all understanding I was going to be one of those crazy ladies that run’s down the aisle to the plane door screaming to get off- My mind was begging God to come through- please Jesus don’t abandon me now because I need the peace your offering so very bad- In that moment, for the first time in my life I gave God complete control of my life- Handed the broken pieces up to Him and waited to see what He was going to do with it-
I can’t even begin to describe the peace I felt as the airplane took off….I was fearful but submitted to God in my fear……Instead of running down the aisle screaming like a crazy lady how Satan would have wanted me to I sat in my seat, shaking with emotion- crying tears of gratefulness that God’s peace was bigger than Satan’s lie’s of fears. God gave me the peace that passes all understanding- He comforted and calmed me that whole flight- He became my savior that day……my daddy that I felt like I never had……..My comforter- I allowed Him to fill the needs I had had deep inside my heart since I was a little girl- I gave him complete control of my life on that flight-
That was the first of many times I would need to step out in God’s faith and take Him at His word- My anxiety did not instantly go away just because I had gotten on an airplane but what it did do was give me the confidence I would need in God to continue to give my fears to Him- and the tools to continue to not only untangle the lies from Satan but stand up to Him with God’s power.
I fly every chance I get because it reminds me on a physical level that God is in control of my life and I am not. To date, I have flown over 40 times since that first flight- Every time I have flown since 2008 I have brought the same Bible with me- After finding my seat on the plane, I get out my little Bible (thank you April C. for the Bible) and turn to the same passage of scripture (Psalm 91)- I write in the margin where I am flying and the date- I then thank God for his deliverance.
Thank you
Jesus and I love you….By your wounds I was healed (1 Peter 2:24)
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