As I was starting my morning routine, the thought struck. It's not a new thought, but resonated differently today than it has in the past; as our situations change, God is the same. My initial reaction was annoyance. The more I thought about it, it felt unfair that emotions can vacillate and circumstances seemingly change beyond what I understand but God gets to stay the same. On first thought (and emotion), it reminded me of when you go through a life shattering event and look around you shocked that everyone else seems to be going life as usual and unchanged- it's hard to reconcile. I had to dig into my thoughts- bringing them to the surface and laying them out before the Lord. For me, left unchecked, the annoyance would become a distance. I would rather be as authentic as possible now, hoping to spare the extra energy and emotions later, having to unravel the mess I would make in the distance :)
Here's what I've come up with so far....no, I'm not some spiritual guru- just a girl who loves Jesus and navigating some real and difficult life. Even when our emotions vacillate everything between high and low, God is the same. No matter what news we get, abounding joy or the deepest sorrow, God is the same. Regardless of what happens to our physical body, God is the same. Despite our deepest disappointments, God is the same. During our debilitating depression or sound mind, God is the same. Whether it is mental health struggles or emotional wounds imposed, God is the same. Even if it's shameful sins we've committed, God is the same. There is no place we can go (even in the womb) or thought we could think that He is not there for, and steadily the same.
I think grief brings a season of deeply changing emotions. Confusing and definitely overwhelming, at times. It's easy to loose sight of the firm and secure anchor for our souls, the physically obscure but spiritually unmovable. It reminds me of an anchor holding a ship secure, it can't be seen by those on board but they can feel it hold most when the seas are roughest.
But what happens if I change? What if the emotions we experience or situation we go through change us so deeply we no longer relate to what God has allowed or who we think Him to be? What if the anchor we thought was secure seems to be just a chain with nothing on the end- leaving us to fend the rough seas and perceivably survive on our own? When these questions bounce into my thoughts, I bring in the only truth I trust, God's Word. It's not a denial of what I'm feeling but instead an authentic acknowledgement of normal thoughts that God has already accounted for. He is the One who knit me together in my mother's womb, intricately understanding His creation. He is also the One who sovereignly allows while being a firm hedge. His truth means the freedom to question and the freedom to trust. To know that when we don't understand or when we are feeling something that does not match up with what God says, He will gently and lovingly stay the same, holding true to His promises, fulfilling his sovereign plan that somehow works for the good of His own, always. For me, this is deep comfort, deeply agonizing (when what He allows is beyond earthly understanding), faith building, soul safe (even when physical and emotional safety is seemingly lost), and eternally secure (Heaven).
It's not that I feel less annoyed, even as I let God's truth pour in, but some how I do feel deeply comforted. I want life to be fair, understandable, relatable to my control. A life that is placed in a pretty box with a pretty bow for the world to see and admire- representing a polished Jesus (and a prideful me). A life unbothered by grief and definitely unbothered by vacillating trauma emotions. But that's not true or authentic- it's not even attainable....
In the tattered box with the awkward taped edges and no bow on top, you will find the most beautiful gift inside- Jesus in me, shining brightly through my wounded heart, annoyance, trauma, tears, anger, and every other emotion. The brightest light for anyone who comes near to see. His light strong and steady, never changing, shining bright.
Freedom and God honoring but (my) pride trampling.
'Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.' Hebrews 13:8
Thank you Dear Lord Jesus and I love you.
For other Bible Verses referenced please click on the links in the paragraphs.
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