They No Longer Squabbled...They were simply Grateful

'They no longer squabbled over

riding positions, the red tennies,

or whose turn it was to guide the turtle. 

They were simply grateful for the

 fresh air and for each other.'

The front of the card read- I had forgotten that I had put it in a box containing letters I have written to my boys since they were young....every year on their birthday, a letter written to be given sometime when they are older.  The card I had picked up out of the box had nothing to do with my boys- I bought in in 2006 while on vacation- I had some time to myself and was strolling through cute little boutiques looking for nothing in particular.  As I was standing in the store scanning over cards this one caught my attention-  I stopped dead in my tracks and got tears in my eyes- The front of the card said it all.....

They no longer squabbled, they were simply grateful for each other.

As I was sitting on my floor going through a box of keepsakes a couple weeks ago, holding the card in my hands I did the same thing I am doing now, even as I type this post out, the same thing I did the first time I read the card...got tears in my eyes.

At the time, in 2006 I had a complicated family relationship that I longed for more out of- longed for God's healing to right all the wrongs that had compiled onto eachother since our first meeting in 1993.  A relationship that had instant sparks that not carefully tended could have the potential to create a raging wild fire....

As a 17 year old at the time, I didn't have the maturity to tread carefully in a realtionship that would carry on for the rest of our lives- A relationship that had so many similarities yet so many differences- we had both gotten married around the same time, had children, which were both boys, within months of each other, both Loved the Lord- Our love for the Lord came out in different denominations but none the less we still both loved Him

Yet we squabbled

year after year

after year

I forgot to be grateful

I used my mouth as a weapon instead of speaking love and peace

In early 2010, after much prayer, the begging God type of prayer- on your knees head to the ground hands in the air pleading.  We set a meeting up where another woman- Godly, mature, and of sound mind, could listen to both of our sides and give us any and all wisdom she felt like she had acquired in her life plus what she felt like the Lord was nudging her heart with.  I was living in Hawaii at the time with a scheduled visit back to Oregon- We had not seen eachother in almost a year-

I knew before I went to the meeting, that unless a complete miracle happened I would need to 'let go' of the relationship ideals I had set up in my mind, close like sisters, one of my best friends.  I also needed to let go of the pursuit- I had pursued this relationship with the fury for years, both in healthy and unhealthy ways.

A few weeks ago, we happened to be sitting within a couple of chairs of each other at an event- I can't remember how the conversation started, which one of us spoke first-

I told her about finding the card when I was moving

She told me about a dream she recently had in which we were good friends.

We both said that, if for no other reason, iron sharpened iron, we had both learned so so much through the years of struggle- Struggles gone through together that God used to help shape us into the women we both are today-

We discussed how interesting it is that all the struggle produced something so different than what either of us could have imagined, it didn't lend us closer together or produce the best friendship I had so idealistically dreamed about- We have healed on separate roads, a road that found it's Y that Jan. day in 2010.

I came home from our chat and had a good cry- I cried out to God in prayer with our non fairy tale ending.

I don't know if deep down, on this side of heaven, I will ever be completely satisfied with our ending- my strong willed conquering nature mixed with an over-abundance of 'don't ever ever ever give up' wants to pick back up the battle and fight to either the death or victory :)  BUT this I do know and this is where my peace is found...By the time I was done praying my tears were still flowing but I had such peace- Life does not always have endings we understand- What I can rest completely in is that God allowed the struggles and squabbles because He knew He could use it for His Glory in both of our lives- He used our difficult relationship to refine us to be more like Him......Selfishly I wanted all the hard times she and I went through to benefit me in a way that met my need of wanting her for a close friend- To date, God has used the learning lessons from the struggles in other ways that I am so thankful for.....I also know that God has given both she and I the peace to move on both in different directions that glorify Him-

I sent the following e-mail to her:

I just had to send you a quick e-mail and tell you how sad but healthy our conversation was today-
healthy cause it seems our relationship has found its 'rightful' place but sad because deep in my heart I always thought it's rightful place was going to look so different than what it's turned out to be.......

To which she replied

I feel the same way...bittersweet..........thanks for telling me...... 

 

We no longer squabble over whose doctrine is better or whose 'schooling' style is more Godly

or whose turn it is the call the other person or who forgot whose birthday

We are simply grateful to God for the lessons learned-  and for a relationship that has found it's rightful place

Proverbs 27:17

"As Iron Sharpens Iron, so one man Sharpens another."