Adoption Questions Answered part 3 of 4

Is it hard having older children and a baby? 

It is hard in that we have to be creative in thinking through activities we can do as a family of 5- Because the age gap of our children is so spread out- Ellie, still being in the baby phase (needing naps and a bedtime that is in the single digits) and Eli and Ryan being teenage boys that love spending time outdoors (dirt bike riding, boating, hunting, etc..)- At this point, We do not do a ton of stuff outside of our home (we sit around talking and hanging out outside with Ellie running around in her walker a lot when we are home) as the 5 of us.  We know this will change as Elle's gets a bit older. 

How did you know for sure you wanted another child- was it just wanting a girl or did you know your family was not complete?

(Matt) Stephanie kept bringing the subject of another child up (for 6 years before we began pursuing adoption)- finally I realized that my reasons for not wanting to adopt (we were young when we had our boys and I wanted to enjoy time with just Steph and I while we were still young empty nesters-plus not wanting another child because Ryan was so sick when he was little and I did not want to go through that again) were selfish.  If we could help a child's life by having it join our family I knew that is what God wanted my family to do.  I was open to either a girl or a boy- I thought a girl would be fun because we did not have one but would have been just as content having a boy.

(Steph) When I first started bringing adoption up to Matt it was a combo of feeling like a child was missing from our family and I wanted a girl- Because I knew that we were FOR SURE missing a child from our family- I figured that adoption would ensure I could get the girl I've always dreamed about (so humbling to admit that last sentence because of my immature thinking).  Over the 6 years of hearing Matt say 'no' to adoption, God worked on my heart and showed me that I was trying to have things 'my way' and not submit our adoption to His will for our lives.  I literally held my hands up and said 'Lord, our adoption story is yours- do with it what you may- May it be you and you alone that Has the Glory in it.'  I said this to God because I thought I was handing Him the rights to take the desire to adopt out of my heart because of Matt's resistance to have another child.  It was right after that Matt told me he was on board to adopt and we started our adoption process- I still really wanted a little girl but knew very clearly if God choose for us differently (we once even had our profile shown to a birth mom that did not know what she was having- but our emphasis throughout our whole adoption process to both our agency and attorney was 'girl') I would be 100% content with either.

Is it hard loving a child that is not biologically yours?

(Matt) Matt is not sitting here with me as I write this but I did ask him last night if he thinks it is difficult loving a child that is not biologically his- His response was that this was something he wondered before we adopted- What it would be like especially because he is not a 'kid person'- He said he thought about it up until he walked into the hospital room and saw Ellie for the first time- He said he has never thought about it since and loves her sometimes more than he loves our boys (hee!)

(Steph) I have so many thoughts on attaching/loving a child that is not biologically one's own- Can it be difficult........oh yes- I have had conversations with both friends and acquaintances that the love for their adopted child was either difficult to come by or maybe did not feel the same as the love transpired between they and their biological children. Again, each situation and adoption is so unique that I never want to perceivably 'flaut' that loving a child (either biologically or adopted) is always easy- I will say that while it may not be easy- IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE- I believe that Love is a choice not a feeling (feelings will a lot of times follow the choice).
I choose to love Ellie and Heather by way of God's Strength the minute I opened the e-mail from our attorney that contained Information about Heather (the e-mail was so that Matt and I could decide whether we wanted out profile shown to her or not)- I didn't love them in my own strength but instead with a love that God gave me because I had surrendered our adoption story over to Him- He (God) was writing the story not me-
I also had to face the reality that Heather may not like/love me and Ellie may grow up and seeth with resentment at me for the simple fact I am not her biological mom- This is risky as a mother to an adopted child- do you risk it all and give your love without holding back (so much easier said than done)- I have chosen to Love without holding back (again, with God's strength) which makes it possible to say that I love Ellie as my own flesh and blood- loving her comes very natural, not something that I have to stop and think about- I also love Heather as I do my own siblings- the love feels a lot like that of a sister.

Ellie holding a card that her birth mom Heather Sent for her 1st Birthday

I know this blog post is long but the below is so worth the read-  My friend Janelle recently sent me this (she had seen it on another friends facebook wall)
An Adoptee’s Perspective: 10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know

1. Adoption is not possible without loss. Losing one’s birth parents is the most traumatic form of loss a child can experience. That loss will always be a part of me. It will shape who I am and will have an effect on my relationships—especially my relationship with you.

2. Love isn’t enough in adoption, but it certainly makes a difference. Tell me every day that I am loved—especially on the days when I am not particularly lovable.

3. Show me—through your words and your actions—that you are willing to weather any storm with me. I have a difficult time trusting people, due to the losses I have experienced in my life. Show me that I can trust you. Keep your word. I need to know that you are a safe person in my life, and that you will be there when I need you and when I don’t need you.

4. I will always worry that you will abandon me, no matter how often you tell me or show me otherwise. The mindset that “people who love me will leave me” has been instilled in me and will forever be a part of me. I may push you away to protect myself from the pain of loss. No matter what I say or do to push you away, I need you to fight like crazy to show me that you aren’t going anywhere and will never give up on me.

5. Even though society says it is PC to be color-blind, I need you to know that race matters. My race will always be a part of me, and society will always see me by the color of my skin (no matter how hard they try to convince me otherwise). I need you to help me learn about my race and culture of origin, because it’s important to me. Members of my race and culture of origin may reject me because I’m not “black enough” or “Asian enough”, but if you help arm me with pride in who I am and the tools to cope, it will be okay. I don’t look like you, but you are my parent and I need you to tell me—through your words and your actions—that it’s okay to be different. I have experienced many losses in my life. Please don’t allow the losses of my race and culture of origin to be among them.

6. I need you to be my advocate. There will be people in our family, our school, our church, our community, our medical clinic, etc. who don’t understand adoption and my special needs. I need you to help educate them about adoption and special needs, and I need to know that you have my back. Ask me questions in front of them to show them that my voice matters.

7. At some point during our adoption journey, I may ask about or want to search for my birth family. You may tell me that being blood related doesn’t matter, but not having that kind of connection to someone has left a void in my life. You will always be my family and you will always be my parent. If I ask about or search for my birth family, it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I need you to know that living my life without knowledge of my birth family has been like working on a puzzle with missing pieces. Knowing about my birth family may help me feel more complete.

8. Please don’t expect me to be grateful for having been adopted. I endured a tremendous loss before becoming a part of your family. I don’t want to live with the message that “you saved me and I should be grateful” hanging over my head. Adoption is about forming forever families—it shouldn’t be about “saving” children.

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I may need help in coping with the losses I have experienced and other issues related to adoption. It’s okay and completely normal. If the adoption journey becomes overwhelming for you, it’s important for you to seek help, as well. Join support groups and meet other families who have adopted. This may require you to go out of your comfort zone, but it will be worth it. Make the time and effort to search for and be in the company of parents and children/youth who understand adoption and understand the issues. These opportunities will help normalize and validate what we are going through.

10. Adoption is different for everyone. Please don’t compare me to other adoptees. Rather, listen to their experiences and develop ways in which you can better support me and my needs. Please respect me as an individual and honor my adoption journey as my own. I need you to always keep an open mind and an open heart with regard to adoption. Our adoption journey will never end, and no matter how bumpy the road may be and regardless of where it may lead, the fact that we traveled this road together, will make all the difference.