Adoption Questions Answered part 4 of 4

I (Steph) was thinking about adoption- Specifically, how much trust is asks of both the Birth Parents and the Prospective Adoptive Parents- A birth mom has to trust a person/persons that they most likely have never spent anytime with and possibly never met (usually only 'met' by way of a book we put together with a profile of our family for birth parents to look at) until just before their baby is born.  They are asked to trust that what the adoptive parents present about themselves is actually true.  They are also asked to trust the prospective adoptive parents with a lifetime of raising their biological child- A child that has grown inside of them for months and months.  They are asked to process all of this while pregnancy hormones are multiplying by the day, conflicting emotions about their choice fight for their attention, differing opinions from family members are voiced, etc.. all the while trusting that it is going to be ok......SO MUCH PRESSURE!

The adoptive parents have to spend, in most cases, an enormous amount of time, emotional energy, and money trusting that a birth mother is going to choose them and then trusting that the attorneys/agencies/etc. have the best interest of their adoption in mind ... all along trusting their birth mom is comfortable with her decision to place....they are also trying to ready their home for the precious child, educate their extended family about 'proper adoption terms', calm their own fears and emotions regarding all the possible 'what if's'.....trusting all the while that it is all going to be ok............SO MUCH PRESSURE!

Adoption asks an incredible amount of trust from both the birth mom and the adoptive parents.......an unusual amount of trust right up front- Before the placement takes place.....
Then when you add 'open' to your adoption it brings a whole new level of trust to the table- The birth parents are needing to trust that what the adoptive parents say they will do.....they will indeed do (i.e. if letters, pictures, visits, etc.. are discussed and committed to trust is required on the birth parents part that the adoptive parents will follow through etc..).  The Adoptive Parents are needing to trust that the birth parents are comfortable with their decision to place therefor will not be invasive about the expectations they have on the adoptive parents (i.e. in most cases, it is probably not realistic to think that the birth parents will be in contact with the adoptive parents or the child daily or even weekly) nor will they  (the birth parents) seek to get their child back..........

The above being said, we are down to the last 2 questions:

Why did you choose an open adoption?

Both Matt and I believe that Ellie has the right to know, if possible, who her biological family is- We believe, when she is old enough to decide, she should be able to choose what type of relationship she has with them- In the meantime we (Matt and I) have the priveledge of nurturing the relationship with Elle's biological family until she makes the choice for herself. 
I (Steph) originally chose a closed adoption (when we first started our adoption process- before we were matched with our birth mom Heather) and then quickly realized that my decision was based on noting other than fear-  After much prayer and honesty with myself about the reasons for wanting a closed adoption- plus reading several books, talking to others that had been adopted, and education classes offered by our adoption agency I was passionate that if possible an open adoption would be best for our family.  Matt was open to either (closed or open) but leaned toward semi-open (meaning if nothing else that we would have contact info and every once in awhile contact with birth parents) if it was possible.

Are you ever worried that Ellie's Birth Parents will want her back?

When I asked Matt this question he said this has not worried him at all.  I appreciate so much that our birth mom Heather, since making her decision to sign the placement papers after Ellie was born, has never given any sort of indication that she would like Ellie back- I also appreciate so much that she would take the time to share her heart about the subject (see this BLOG POST). 
I would be lying if I said I have never worried about it- Do I let the worry consume me.....absolutely not- It goes back to trust....trusting our birth mom Heather, trusting God, trusting the State of Oregon and the State of Hawaii's Adoption laws that are in place for this very thing.......

Thank you again for the questions!!

Matt and Steph



Ellie and her friend Kailynn enjoying chocolate cake for Breakfast one morning last week :)