worst smells EVER

As I jumped out of the shower this morning....actually you can't jump out of my shower- It has a 2 ft high ledge that is concrete and tile so that it can double as a very large bathtub/2 shower head combo...I tried jumping out of it just after we moved here and hit the front of my lower leg mid way though my leap of faith- the bruise healing was long and grueling...I think I have a permanent dent in my bone from it.
Back to carefully stepping out of my shower this morning.....I grabbed the towel hanging from the shower door and wrapped it around me.  It took but 2 seconds for the one nostril lift with a sharp sniff
WHAT IS THAT SMELL
The towel I was using had been found on the back of the bathroom door- not sure how long it has hung there or how many times it had been used before finding it's hanging spot on the shower that morning BUT judging from the smell, it had dried many a crack in it's unwashed state :)
I quickly took it off of me and threw it in the dirty clothes bin while thinking to myself.....
dirty towels are the WORST SMELL EVER! 
After this incident, and as I was putting on my makeup, I started thinking about some of the worst smells personally ever smelt and then busted up laughing....

• when someone burps in a warm car and you know exactly what they have eaten, only the rotten smell version of it, by the smell.....WORST SMELL EVER!
• forgetting to start the dishwasher, filled with dirty dishes, before that 2 week long trip.......WORST SMELL EVER!
• another warm car one.....when the doors are shut and the windows are up with the heater blasting and suddenly you smell 'the' smell.....everyone's soles get flipped until the sticky brown paste like substance is found (which has also spread to the floor mat)...dog poop is the WORST SMELL EVER!
• while running 16's during high school basket ball practice and the girl in front of you projectile vomits so that it hits the ground right in front of your next step....you run through it before you can stop yourself (feeling the squish of the liquid and food on the bottom of your feet) and the smell hits you full in the face (which makes you vomit).....WORST SMELL EVER
• diarrhea....oh my gosh the smell is awful....how does it not kill you from the inside out- how does one's body even produce such a smell...I spent several days with the big D over Christmas and was impressedly grossed out at the tenacity our bodies have to reproduce not only the smell but the amount every half hour for hours and hours...It's like some sort of morbid grand finale that our intestines put on to celebrate that they really are in control.....I didn't even have the courage to leave my house for fear being more than 2 seconds from a toilet......diarrhea is THE WORST SMELL EVER!!

Hope you are all having a great Monday :)

picture compliments of google images....thanks google!

ry...crackin' jokes and cheesy faces

Dear Ry,

Thank you for being one of the funniest people I know- for always choosing the worst moment to crack a joke or the most inopportune time to make a completely cheesy face.  Mommy and daddy, on a regular basis, lay in bed and laugh about things you have done or said.

It's been quite a year for you....buying your first truck with money you saved (since you were 8), competing in your first year of shot gun 4-H (and making it to State), and battling a 6 month long case of Lyme disease (thankful that you are 26 days off of your Lyme treatment and no sign of Lyme).

Never stop being you- perfectly created by an amazing God who has an incredible story for your life.

Daddy and I are so proud of you and love you lots.

 

Merry Christmas to Ellie from her brother Joshua

There was a special treat in our mail box today for Ellie.....
Ellie's biological brother Joshua (Justice) sent her a Christmas gift.  Elle's and Joshua have not met as of yet but we are able to keep in contact with his family through facebook and Christmas Cards. 
Ellie has 2 older biological brothers- Joshua who is 9 and Caiden who is 6.....Like Ellie, Joshua was placed with his forever family at birth.  Caiden lives with Ellie (and Joshua's) birth mom Heather. 

Dear Joshua,
Thank you very much for the hamster- I really like it.  My mom say's thanks for not sending me a real hamster :) (only a toy hamster).
Love,
Ellie



Joshua (L) and Caiden earlier this year- They are able to spend time together each year :)

Heather, Joshua (R) and Caiden
 

just enough

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Cor 12:9)

Several mornings ago, I plopped down on my couch before sunrise with the same nagging feeling I have woken up to for over a year....
I  feel so isolated- 
I grabbed my Bible, that was sitting on the coffee table in front of our couch, and began praying....
'Lord please help me with this feeling of isolation'
I knew when we moved to the ranch we currently live on, the isolation was going to be something of a personal struggle.  The ranch sits a good mile off of a country road 45 minutes away from town. 
This girl is most at home in the city- we understand each other
My Man and my boys are most at home in the woods- they understand each other

Matt's job has allowed for us to live in some amazing places-
steps away from the beach in Hawaii with not another house in sight-
and then on a private lake with thousands of acres around- again, without another house in sight.

It may sound unreasonable
ungrateful
you may judge me for saying what I'm about to say
you may put yourself in my position and say 'if I had that I would never feel the way she does'
thank you Jesus that you understand my heart and know the root from which I speak
I don't like living remote- It intimidates me. overwhelms me.
Everyday, I have to fight off the feeling of isolation...of a deep loneliness that I can not even explain in words.
I look out of my beautiful home and see a beautiful lake and wish for the sound of people around.
I would look out my living room window while living in Hawaii and wish for the mall instead of mountains and ocean...not even so that I could necessarily shop but so that I could hear the people.
I long to hear sirens and dogs barking....to go to sleep with the sound of cars whizzing by outside

As I was pouring my heart out to God, the sun was beginning to rise......

I glanced up, and my breath was literally taken away.... You see, our living room couch faces the 11 windows in our living room that overlook the lake and a mountain.  (I did not alter this picture at all- I simply grabbed my camera, which is not fancy at all, and took the shot of my view from where I was sitting)

I wish I could package this blog post up with an intelligent answer as to why I feel like I do or why the Lord has placed us in the position He has....but I can't
What I can do is tell is this.

I bring the same struggle to the Lord pretty much each day....
Help me Jesus to not throw an emotional fit because I am living outside of my comfort zone
Help me Jesus to honor you
Help me to honor my husband
Help me to branch out into my boys 'outside' world

As I pray, His peace of 'just enough' fills me....
just enough joy to see me through the day
just enough discernment to know that the negative feelings are just that- Feelings- They are not facts.
the facts are that we are just where God wants us to be doing just what He wants us to do.

I long for more than 'just enough'....I am the girl that wants an abundance of.....to just take for granted that when I wake up in the morning, I will not have to go back to the Lord and ask for the same thing that I have the 365 days prior.....I feel like I should have 'gotten over' my same feelings by now.
but that is not how the Lord has chosen to fill me in this season. He has chosen to give me just enough for that day....creating dependence instead of my natural independence
so I go back for more of the same
day after day
and He's there
day after day
Thank you Jesus

If this post finds you struggling in your each day....
addiction
recovery
anger
depression
grief
health problems
marriage difficulties
paralyzing fear
broken relationships that you wish were different
confusion which decision to choose
discontentment (like me)
you fill in the blank

Know that you are not alone in your struggle...
choose to know that we serve an amazing God who will give us just enough strength at just the right time to walk victoriously in whatever difficulty comes our way.
Amen!

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

ellie loves carl....27 years early

It's one of those moments where you remember right where you were (on the corner of the road that our church is on, which is where Elle's school is located, getting ready to turn right onto the road that goes over the overpass) when my darling princess yells from the back seat.....

I LOVE CARL!

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!

Carl is a little boy in Ellie's preschool class....

Oh no no no no no sweetie- you see Elle's, your daddy, brothers, and I all agreed- you are not allowed to even notice boys until you are 30.  Even then, it will be under strict guidelines of who, when, where, and how!!

I didn't say that though- Instead, I remained calm and asked

'You love Carl?......wow!......would you give him a hug?'

We all have to beg Ellie to show us any kind of affection- she only gives hugs when she absolutely has too.  A kiss is saved for once to twice a year when she's feeling extra generous- so I figured it would be a good 'tell tell' what she grasped of what she was implicating when she said that she loved Carl....

'Yes, I would give him a hug' was her reply

Breathe......Breathe.....Breathe......Breathe
Is there an all girls school anywhere around our area
Should we move to a secluded island where there are no boys allowed

I looked in my rear view mirror so that we could see each other and simply said.....
'wow.'
then the car was silent and she soon asked if she could listen to her Cubby's CD that her AWANA program had provided.

As stories of Cubby Bear filled our car my mind was reasoning out whether I should start the boy lectures this early or whether to just let this go.
I let it go with the thought that.......

This is all happening 27 years early!!!

p.s. At Elle's Christmas Program yesterday, Ellie and Carl happened to be standing by each other- I leaned over and told my mom about Ellie's love declaration and showed her who Carl was.  We both busted up laughing.

OH MY GOODNESS GUYS....
oh my goodness
oh oh oh oh my

judging anothers love

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

As Christians:

we are challenged to love........'Above all keep loving one another' (1 Peter 4:8)
to love beyond what we understand or want to do.....to love the unlovable.....'Love your enemies...love those who persecute you' (Matt 5:43)
to love with an unstingy abandoned that does not keep score....'Love does not keep a record of wrong...' (1 Cor 13:5)
to love without being fake either with others or our self.....'Love must be sincere' (Rom 12:9)

Often I will judge another's 'love' and they will come up short- this lacking and that lacking.
my perception being the weight on the scale..... with a weight heavy on self perception, I believe that I am entitled to react with distance, anger, bitterness, self pity, aggression

What am I showing of love when I do this
What am I showing of Jesus when I do this

nothing
not Jesus through me
not Jesus in me
but I am showing a whole lot of me, me, me

eewwwwwww.....blah!
no thank you

How do I know when I am loving......
What do I set as my 'weight' to judge another's 'love' for me-
The Lord set it up so that we would judge ourselves first and others second- He set the bar high for his expectations on how we love others and gave the one we are called to love none.... He called us to the impossible in the flesh but possible through Him- It's only when we are fully surrendered that we can love how He called us too....Unconditionally

He didn't leave us to guess how He wants us to love....He spelled it out in 1 Cor. 13

'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

 

 

My heart is convicted- My flesh rebels

I want to feel the love before giving it

I want my love returned not rejected

I want love to be done my way in my time

I want love presented in a way I understand

 

But that would not be love

I know the feel of true love

I feel it every second of each minute of an all day

 

^' But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'

Romans 5:8

 



Heavenly Father, please let the weight on my scale for loving others be based on the lavish love you show me- please give me the strength to love in a way that others will see You in and through me.  I love you Dear Lord Jesus and please forgive me for the times I have not shown love.'

AMEN!

 

 

instead, they did...from start to finish

Someday, I will print 3 copies of my entire blog- One for Eli, One for Ry, and one for Elle's..... Among many other things on this blog, I want them to have these pictures- To remember what their grandpa and grammy looked like together....That even after 2 months shy of 55 years of marriage they still loved each other deeply.  They weathered hard times and significant storms.....they could have said 'I Don't' to the 'I Do' but they didn't....Instead, 'they did'...
They did set an example of loyalty for their 7
They did set an example for those seven's 18 and
They did set an example for their first great grand child Lexy
They did set an example for the generations to come

I'm proud of you dad and mom.  Thank you for showing this daughter in law that loyalty is possible from start to finish.
I love you

Kauai

Pearl Harbor- Hawaii

 

I love this picture

Stinker :)

eternity on our hearts

This has been a week full of tears, laughs, more tears, more laughing....throw some good food in there....lots of visiting with brothers and sisters....lots of decision making...the hope of Heaven in and among so much sadness....and then more tears.
Loosing someone you love has been so much sadder than what I thought it would be.
We were created for Eternity not finality. Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us as much....'He (God) has placed eternity on our hearts'....  Death here on earth has such a final feel- What we know, can see, touch, smell, hear, all the physical that we know is gone. in a breath.
it causes us to search for eternity
it causes us to reach for eternity- to place it as a steady staple in our mind.
the Lord did not leave us alone in our grief- to wonder in the wander of hopeless thoughts.  He set the hope of heaven and the promise of forever in our hearts.

Thank you Jesus
Thank you

This afternoon marked our final earthy good bye to Matt's dad-  While his soul met our Heavenly Father this past Saturday, his body remained behind....waiting for a respectful burial...for my precious mother in law to rub his arm just one last time.  For his 7 children to speak out one last goodbye to the physical body they have known their entire lives.  It was a time of great sadness and of great joy.  Oil and water thoughts that somehow the hope of heaven can blend.

I remember my childhood pastor talking at his daughters funeral- He said that when we loose someone we love, it causes us to grow even that much more excited about going to heaven,

We're excited to see you again dad. 
We're all so excited for Heaven.
But we miss you so much here
so so much.

Until then, we will have our hearts set on Eternity.





At dad's graveside service today (his Memorial will be on Sunday)-
Mom with she and dad's 7 children, their spouses, and grandchildren
(for the grandchildren who could not be there today- WE LOVE YOU...you were thought of and missed)

Mom with her 7 children in order of birth from left to right:
Lesa, John, Judie, Wayne, Rhonda, Christie, Matt