At the beginning of my breast cancer diagnosis, I journaled often. I remember thinking that I wanted to remember and document as much as I could. There was comfort and emotional sorting as I would write out what was going on. Several months in, I realized that a dread would start. Just as soon as the pen hit the paper a knot would form in my gut and my emotions would feel like they were swirling out of control- it was no longer comforting but, instead, a reminder of the heartache and hardship my family and myself were trying to survive.
I've been telling myself to blog, at least a bit, but have not been sure if it is the best thing emotionally. I still don't know but thought I would sit down this afternoon and at least try. I can't go deep into the emotions but can swim on the surface for a short time.
I've been walking this new road for 14 months. Most of it has been just trying to survive (literally) and the remaining has been trying to sort through how to move forward. I don't have any big insight or life changing advise but I do have a few things that I've personally refined.
Priorities have been refined. There is not a lot of emotional space (thank you chemo, exhaustion, meds, and overall trauma) so the space I have is weighed carefully and dispersed accordingly. God, Matt, my kids/grandbabies, my extended family and close friends...a lot of times, I don't have enough to get past the first 3, which is humbling and hard, but my prayer is that in time, I will have more to give. I used to give and give and give (and give) but just can't do that anymore.
Purposeful- Like I said above, I used to give and give and give, a lot of times not thinking through whether it was the best use of my time or energy. I would tell myself that this is what we do, give. Now, I have to think through my time and decide whether what I'm doing is purposeful (sometimes purposeful means laying on my bed and watching a movie or shopping at Goodwill- this is being purposeful about rest and my mental health). I have found, as I'm intentional about my purpose, I enjoy doing whatever I am doing, much more.
Protective- I feel a lot more protective over giving others dignity, including myself. This has always been important to me, on the fringe, but the personal struggles though this diagnosis has brought this protectiveness more front and center. I will have health struggles for the rest of my life (even when they are not apparent to anyone other then me). My physical body will never be the same nor will the way I view the world psychologically. This is deeply humbling and has kicked me off of any high horse I may have ever hoped to ride. I will always relate to the weaker person (both physically and mentally) and pray I can articulate dignity to others well in this. I also pray I can emotionally protect, both with my words and actions, those who are weaker.
Promises- I repeat over and over to myself, ever single day, God's promises and then pray through them. Life's hardships are a lot and I could not imagine walking this road without the Lord's constant presence and His promises.
I've also chosen to laugh more (even when I don't feel like it), not put off the things I've always wanted to do, eat much healthier (I don't even miss sugar anymore), and start smoking (no judging).
That's all I've got for today but hopefully I'll be back soon!
p.s. I didn't really start smoking- that's just not my jam....chemo jacks up your sense of smell and the aroma of smoke is pungent (if you smoke, I'm not judging you, so no messages of offense. What I will say though is, you reek......smile).
