Adoption Questions Answered part 2 of 3 (or maybe 4)

Good Morning Sunshine........hee! Thinking it is going to take 4 blog posts to answer the questions instead of 3. Matt is good about a short answer while I feel the need to explain (and I even edited this blog post down a bit)- Matt is good at staying practically minded when He explains most of our adoption (although he is still brought to tears when he explains certain parts of it) while I want to constantly think of it in the 'emotional' sense- my part of question number 1 included 6 years worth of what led up to our adoption emotionally........we went with Matt's practical answer :)

1.        How did you decide what type of adoption (private adoption or through the State)?  

I (Steph) wanted to adopt privately and Matt was open to either- When we moved to Hawaii, I  (S) called around to get more information about adopting through the state- At the time, Hawaii did not offer adoption through the State for children under 10 (most children that would need adopting are taken care by family members or friends) so our only option was private. 

2.       Is it expensive to adopt?    Private adoption can be expensive.   Matt and I clearly knew God was calling us to adopt by way of a private adoption but when the time came to say ‘yes’ to Ellie’s adoption the fee’s surrounding her adoption (attorney fees etc.) were completely out of the boundaries of what Matt and I had discussed we would spend.  The adoption agency we were going through presented you with very close figures of what your adoption would cost- These were the figures we were comfortable with and had prepared for financially- Because Ellie’s adoption was brought to us through private attorneys the amount the attorneys wanted was substantially more than not only our adoption agency but what we had financially planned for.  It was difficult to navigate between the emotional facts and the physical fact that our attorney wanted so much money for Ellie’s adoption (emotional facts being that both Matt and I knew we were called to adopt and we knew that Heather and Ellie were our match.).  God had confirmed our whole adoption process up to this point- It was difficult to know how to move forward in Faith- Was it the Lord shutting the door to our adoption or was it simply a leap of faith we needed to take- trusting God with our finances (that He would provide the outstanding balance we would have for Ellie’s adoption).   To make a long story short we moved forward with Ellie’s adoption- Our Faithful Heavenly father provided every penny we needed to complete our adoption.  He used Matt’s financial stewardship (our savings account that had years of hard earned money that Matt insisted we save), several beautiful families that God nudged the hearts of to give in a financial way to our adopiton, an agency called Show Hope (who offers grants to families that are adopting), and an Adoption Tax Credit offered by the Federal Government.

3.       Where do you begin if you are interested in adoption?  Lots of prayer J  It also never hurts to get educated about adoption- Talk to friends or others you know who have adopted, read adoption books, read adoption blogs from both birth mothers and families that have adopted.  If  you live in a State that offers either private or state adoptions,  talk to a social worker that handles adoptions through the state, an adoption attorney, and an adoption agency to decide what fits your families situation best.                                                                            
        Thank you again for the questions!

Adoption Questions Answered part 1 of 3

THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS!!  Between my husband Matt and I we wondered (Matt) or asked (Me) before we adopted every question we were asked :)

If you did not catch the last blog post it was titled Adoption Questions Anyone?  Matt agreed to sit down with me and answer questions about our adoption.  Please know that as we answer your questions, our story represents our experience and like a lot of things in life, adoption experiences are all different.

Right now, Matt is laying on our living room couch and I am sitting in the funky maroon chair beside.....my feet propped up on the red fake leather foot stool-

Here we go- This is part 1 of 3 (12 questions total so if your question is not on here it will be on one of the two next posts- The questions are in no particular order)

1. How often do you talk to Ellie's Birth mom/ How do you communicate with her?  Guessing that if you averaged it out we talk about once a month- We mostly text but sometime talk on the phone.  We are also friends on facebook and have each others e-mail address if we choose to use that too.
2. Are you scared Ellie will be resentful that she was adopted when she is older?  We both hope not but know that it may be a possibility- part of the reason we choose an open adoption is we want Ellie to know who her biological family is- Our birth mom Heather has said from the beginning of our adoption process that she wants to be there for Ellie when she gets older if Elle's wants to know why Heather made the choice to place (adoption) instead of parent.  Matt thinks about this possibility less than I do- He figures we will deal with it when/if Ellie battles this- I have prayed A LOT about this issue and grieve for both Ellie and Heather as they both have felt and will feel a loss- Heather more so at the placement (after delivery) and Ellie when she is old enough to realize that while we absolutely adore her and know that God choose her for our family, she also has a biological family that she was not raised with.
3. How have your boys adjusted to having a little sister?  Our middle son Ryan, who is 13 just walked into the room so I asked him this question- He said, 'It's fun having a little sister- (He then switched into his Nacho Libre imitation voice) It's a blessing from God......if you know what I mean!'  I asked Ryan what has been the hardest thing about our adoption- He said that we are not able to do as much stuff (as a family) because Ellie is not able to yet (example would be the boys want to float down the river....sometimes I would join if we have a babysitter but other times Matt takes them and I stay home with Elle's).  I asked Ryan what the funnest thing about having a little sister is- He said 'hanging out with her and getting to play with her.'
4. Are you going to adopt anymore children?  At this point, both of our answer is no BUT we all know that God could turn that around....We are not actively seeking to adopt again- we have been presented with the possible option and still did not feel a tug in our heart to adopt.  Matt and I both feel more of a calling to help those we come into contact with that may be pursuing the option of adoption by way of referring them to the adoption agency we were going through before we adopted Ellie and/or tell them about friends and family members we know who are interested in adopting.

Questions that will be answered in the next two posts:

1. How did you decide what type of adoption (private adoption or through the State)?  
2. Is it expensive to adopt?
3. Where do you begin if you are interested in adoption?  
4. Is it hard having older children and a baby?
5. How did you know for sure you wanted another child- was it just wanting a girl or did you know your family was not complete?
6. Is it hard loving a child that is not biologically yours? 
7. Why did you choose an open adoption?
8. Are you ever worried that Ellie's Birth Parents will want her back?

July 2012

Adoption Questions Anyone? (Post Closed To Questions)

Please Note That This Post Has Been Closed To Questions- we answer 12 of the questions asked on the following 3 blog posts- BIG THANK YOU FOR ASKING :)
Do you have any adoption questions...............PLEASE ASK US!
I asked Matt a couple nights ago if he gets asked questions about adoption- He stopped what he was doing and said 'actually yes'- I then asked him if the questions felt invasive (Matt is the more private of the 2 of us).........His response actually surprised me 'Nope, not at all!'.......so then I asked him if he would be willing to sit down and write a blog post with me answering adoption questions- For the second time in my blogging history (Matt helped me write 18 Tips to Celebrate 18 Years of Marriage) my man and are are going to share the stage-
You have several ways you can ask your questions.....

• facebook by way of private message
• e-mail me (blessingofadoption@hotmail.com)
• Under the comment section of this blog (I will not post the questions asked)

Just to put a few things out there for you to think about.......

• The most asked question Matt gets is 'Is it hard to love a child that is not biologically yours?'
• The most asked question I get is 'Are you afraid that Ellie's birth parents will want her back and you will loose her?'

Some facts about our adoption.........

• We adopted domestically (from the US)
• Our adoption was a private adoption (we did not adopt through the State)
• We did not adopt through an agency (although we we signed up with one) but instead through a private Attorney
• We have an open adoption (meaning we have contact with our birth mom Heather)
• We received a grant from an Agency called Show Hope to help cover the costs of our adoption

PLEASE DON'T HOLD BACK IN YOUR ASKING OF QUESTIONS!  Adoption is a beautiful thing and important to be educated about if it is something you are considering.......I am so thankful for all the people (including blogs I read that I did not know the people personally) that opened up about adoption... what it was really like........people who had experienced it...........people who had lived it (birth mothers, children that have been adopted, and parents that have adopted)

Happy Friday!
Steph

A great resource for Adoption Information and Adoption Grants

Got Sand?

We went to the coast when Ellie was a couple of months old but she slept the entire time we were at the ocean- This past weekend was her first real experience at the beach.......I told myself for weeks before we went that I would not worry about or try to patrol her experience in the sand-

Oh my........SAND........she loved it, she ate it, she rolled in it, SHE HAD IT EVERYWHERE!
I'm so glad the weather (which was overcast but not cold) was nice enough that we could let her enjoy the sand in 'diaper only' and keep it out of her clothes, shoes, etc.

Basketball then and now

1990..........

Bangs, perm'd hair, pegged jeans, rolled up sleeves on your t-shirt, blue eye shadow,

Aqua Net Hairspray, Keds, New Kids on The Block...

Freshman Year of Basketball- The below picture was our whole team- All 7 of us- I think we only

won 1 game the whole season- As I looked at this picture (Sam I stole it off of your facebook wall) It struck me that I am friends (on facebook) with 6 of the 7 girls pictured below- our coach and I (who is not on facebook) go to church together- she is still a person I consider as one of the biggest influences in my life to date. 

2012

Flabby skin, Cellulite, out of shape, air balls, deliberate fouling because it is funny, screeching everytime someone makes a basket, double dribbles, crack sweat and BO.....

First time playing basketball again in almost 20 years- My church (thank you Kristen) started a women's basketball night and it's been fun shooting hoop again-  None of my freshman year team is able to make it- most of the girls do not live local anymore.....Hope is in the middle holding the ball- she's in Texas (and has made most of my Ellie's cute hair bows that you see in her pictures- Thank you Hope), I am the unsmiling #24, Beautiful Kir #23 lives in a town about an hour away and became a teacher, Sara (to the L of Kir) and I have not stayed in contact (thus the only non facebook friend), Meg (to the L of Sara) lives in California and is in law school (good job Meg!), Sam (to the L of Meg) also lives in California, is a teacher, and has 2 adorable sons,  and my sis Jodi, who is #22 lives local but is pregnant (congrats sis on #5) so can not play.

Anyway, going back to church ball- It's been so fun not only getting the exercise but playing with a group of really fun gals :)

13 Months Old

At 13 Months old Ellie is:

• 17 pounds
• 28 inches long
• Has 4 teeth, 2 bottoms and 2 uppers
• Standing on her own (until she realizes she is standing and then sits down) but not walking- She crawls everywhere
• Eating 3 meals a day plus 3-4/ 6 oz bottles
• Loves Refried Beans, Goldfish Crackers, Oatmeal, Ritz, Chewy Granola Bars, and toast
• Say's 'da da', dog, no (and even shakes her head when she says it), duck (which is what we call Ryan)- I work with her every day trying to get her to say 'ma ma'...she never shows any sort of interest in saying it :)
• Loves 'jabbering' and will carry on a full conversation (in baby language) for anyone that will listen
• Wears 6-9 months clothes
• Enjoys being outside in her walker strolling around
• Is nervous when in any sort of water- So that she enjoys her baths, I do not pull the stopper up in the drain but instead let it drain and leave the faucet running- She sits and plays with the water coming out and I can get her washed up
• Takes 1 nap a day usually sleeping for 3 hours
• Wears size 3 diapers

Matt and Ellie on a daddy daughter date plus mommy as a tag a long (to go get her favorite refried beans)

Looking Back

Blogging is a funny thing- I don't know very many 'bloggers' personally so I can't say if this is normal or abnormal but I have 60+ posts in my 'draft' folder that I have never published.  I could write about anything and everything so lots of those 60 draft posts may be interesting to me but completely boring to others.....I try to be somewhat sensitive when posting on here not only about the subject matter but also try to post what others may find interesting.  I was looking over them (drafts) tonight deciding if I wanted to blog or post from the drafts- As I was in my drafts section I glanced over the stats page (the page that shows how many views your blog gets) and thought I would share a few 'stats'-

• The Most Read Post of all time- Nicholas Heart Surgery
• Second Most Read Post of all time was dedicated to our Birth Mom and the first post written after Ellie was born- Heather Marie
• Most commented post (the comments came by way of e-mail and private facebook messages)- Marriage and Submission
• I blogged my way through a Tsunami Evacuation while we were living in Hawaii- Tsunami Warnings and getting ready to evacuate
• One of my favorite posts (I used all 10 dozen eggs in a month!)- 10 Dozen Eggs and English Muffins made with Gold Dust
• One of Matt and my funniest memories from living in Hawaii- we still laugh about it today! Switching from Tsunami's to Peacocks
• The first post I wrote for a blog other than my own- It was picked up by a site called adoption.com The Ugly Voice of Comparison

Thanks for taking a look back with me!

Took this picture just before walking out the door to evacuate for the projected Tsunami that was headed to Hawaii
from the earthquake (and Tsunami) in Japan- March 2011......It was a little after 1:00 a.m. 

She's Ready For Tea

She was playing at my feet on Sat. night after we got home from Target- I was sitting in the chair I am in right now debating in my head what we wanted to do next- It was just the 2 of us for the evening.......all 3 of my boys were hanging out with my brother-
It was her bedtime but her mood was begging for something special- Like she knew it was mommy/daughter time......
I wondered what she would do if I brought her little table with it's 2 matching chairs out to the living room we were in.............If I did that I knew I needed to get the tea cup/saucer out that my Aunt Anne had given her- the set was given with strict instructions that I allow Ellie to use the tea cup AND that she get to enjoy it while using- not for me to just tuck away as a 'keep sake'......
While at Target I had bought her goldfish crackers for the first time- along with goldfish I had also bought Animal Crackers......
My one year old daughter sat up as straight as could be in her little chair, me sitting across from her- Tea pot filled with cold water- goldfish and animal crackers on our saucers- I put some water in her tea cup and showed her how to drink it by example- She watched carefully and then followed suit-
It was wonderful........She's only 1 and completely ready for tea time!
I'm thinking a trip to the Tea Room in Victoria B.C. is in order :)

p.s. Aunt Anne I want you to know that Elle's chinked her cup against her saucer at least 10 times and I let her do it- your words ringing in my head (that I let her enjoy using her cup) each time she did it!

Quirky.....well maybe

1. I really want my house to look homey when people drive by at night- I love looking into houses (not stalker or peeping tom like just when driving by looking in) that are lit up at night- Because of this desire I will do certain decorating at night in the room you can see most from the road (currently the living room)- turn off all the lights in my house except for the one that I designate as the leave on at night light in the most seen at night room- run outside my house and stand on the curb and look in to see what others will see when they drive or walk by- It is by this sight that I make my final decorating calls
2. On the 4th of July I forgot to eat lunch and realized only when we were on our way to a party that evening (which was only serving desserts) how hungry I was- I needed to pick up a dessert to bring- I stood before all the desserts at the store and made the selection of those yummy frosted buttery/sugar cookies that are fluffy and a 9x9 pan of brownies that were fudge frosted-  After leaving the store I had Matt go through the Taco Bell drive up so we could grab dinner- The bean burrito w/ added sour cream felt so unsatisfying after I finished.......The fudge frosted brownies were shouting my name- with only my fingers I consumed 1/4 of the pan with my grossed out husband and boys looking on- When we arrived at the party I used a knife to make a straight edge where I had eaten from and promptly served the rest to the guests- 
3. If people I am close to tell me about a certain ailment they are having (my sis in law's feet sweat excessively) I start having the same thing -I could barely walk out of the doctors office today because of the sweat accumulated at the bottom of my fake leather flip flops- I had to awkwardly stop walking and pull my feet out of those sandals and wipe them on the doctor's office carpeted floor (carpet at it's core is gross- a collector of dirt and grime and peoples feet sweat) before I could finish walking out the door- I swear it's not hypochondria.......at least I don't think it is :)
4. At the 4th of July party I mentioned above I was standing, trying to make conversation with someone I did not know.........the person smiled when they were watching the kids set off fireworks- at which point I saw the gold gleaming of a crown in their mouth.........this is embarrassing to even write......desperately trying to find something we had in common that we could continue talking about I smiled and said 'oh you have a crown too!' to which I opened my mouth and showed them my new gold crown..........WHO DOES THAT?

Happy Saturday Everyone!

Ellie's Wild 'Whoo Whoo' Hair! (For Heather)

When Ellie first started ripping pulling out her hair bows/ rubber bands she would make an owl 'whooting' sound and be so excited- I would look at her hair when she was done,  in it's wild state of curls and giggle telling her she has wild 'whoo whoo' hair!
Heather (Ellie's Birth mom)- This post is dedicated to you.......I laugh to myself every time I think about one of the first conversations you and I had pre-adoption of Elle's when you told me that you hoped I was prepared to deal with some wild curly hair.......... I really felt confident about my skills to tame her locks until Ellie decided that she would have none of the taming-

Ellie Marie your wild curls are beautifully precious.......I love you I love you I love you!

I love you too Heather and thank you for passing your wild curls down to Ellie :)

Several times a day Ellie runs her little fingers through her hair to make
sure no hair clip is in it :)

They No Longer Squabbled...They were simply Grateful

'They no longer squabbled over

riding positions, the red tennies,

or whose turn it was to guide the turtle. 

They were simply grateful for the

 fresh air and for each other.'

The front of the card read- I had forgotten that I had put it in a box containing letters I have written to my boys since they were young....every year on their birthday, a letter written to be given sometime when they are older.  The card I had picked up out of the box had nothing to do with my boys- I bought in in 2006 while on vacation- I had some time to myself and was strolling through cute little boutiques looking for nothing in particular.  As I was standing in the store scanning over cards this one caught my attention-  I stopped dead in my tracks and got tears in my eyes- The front of the card said it all.....

They no longer squabbled, they were simply grateful for each other.

As I was sitting on my floor going through a box of keepsakes a couple weeks ago, holding the card in my hands I did the same thing I am doing now, even as I type this post out, the same thing I did the first time I read the card...got tears in my eyes.

At the time, in 2006 I had a complicated family relationship that I longed for more out of- longed for God's healing to right all the wrongs that had compiled onto eachother since our first meeting in 1993.  A relationship that had instant sparks that not carefully tended could have the potential to create a raging wild fire....

As a 17 year old at the time, I didn't have the maturity to tread carefully in a realtionship that would carry on for the rest of our lives- A relationship that had so many similarities yet so many differences- we had both gotten married around the same time, had children, which were both boys, within months of each other, both Loved the Lord- Our love for the Lord came out in different denominations but none the less we still both loved Him

Yet we squabbled

year after year

after year

I forgot to be grateful

I used my mouth as a weapon instead of speaking love and peace

In early 2010, after much prayer, the begging God type of prayer- on your knees head to the ground hands in the air pleading.  We set a meeting up where another woman- Godly, mature, and of sound mind, could listen to both of our sides and give us any and all wisdom she felt like she had acquired in her life plus what she felt like the Lord was nudging her heart with.  I was living in Hawaii at the time with a scheduled visit back to Oregon- We had not seen eachother in almost a year-

I knew before I went to the meeting, that unless a complete miracle happened I would need to 'let go' of the relationship ideals I had set up in my mind, close like sisters, one of my best friends.  I also needed to let go of the pursuit- I had pursued this relationship with the fury for years, both in healthy and unhealthy ways.

A few weeks ago, we happened to be sitting within a couple of chairs of each other at an event- I can't remember how the conversation started, which one of us spoke first-

I told her about finding the card when I was moving

She told me about a dream she recently had in which we were good friends.

We both said that, if for no other reason, iron sharpened iron, we had both learned so so much through the years of struggle- Struggles gone through together that God used to help shape us into the women we both are today-

We discussed how interesting it is that all the struggle produced something so different than what either of us could have imagined, it didn't lend us closer together or produce the best friendship I had so idealistically dreamed about- We have healed on separate roads, a road that found it's Y that Jan. day in 2010.

I came home from our chat and had a good cry- I cried out to God in prayer with our non fairy tale ending.

I don't know if deep down, on this side of heaven, I will ever be completely satisfied with our ending- my strong willed conquering nature mixed with an over-abundance of 'don't ever ever ever give up' wants to pick back up the battle and fight to either the death or victory :)  BUT this I do know and this is where my peace is found...By the time I was done praying my tears were still flowing but I had such peace- Life does not always have endings we understand- What I can rest completely in is that God allowed the struggles and squabbles because He knew He could use it for His Glory in both of our lives- He used our difficult relationship to refine us to be more like Him......Selfishly I wanted all the hard times she and I went through to benefit me in a way that met my need of wanting her for a close friend- To date, God has used the learning lessons from the struggles in other ways that I am so thankful for.....I also know that God has given both she and I the peace to move on both in different directions that glorify Him-

I sent the following e-mail to her:

I just had to send you a quick e-mail and tell you how sad but healthy our conversation was today-
healthy cause it seems our relationship has found its 'rightful' place but sad because deep in my heart I always thought it's rightful place was going to look so different than what it's turned out to be.......

To which she replied

I feel the same way...bittersweet..........thanks for telling me...... 

 

We no longer squabble over whose doctrine is better or whose 'schooling' style is more Godly

or whose turn it is the call the other person or who forgot whose birthday

We are simply grateful to God for the lessons learned-  and for a relationship that has found it's rightful place

Proverbs 27:17

"As Iron Sharpens Iron, so one man Sharpens another."