'Why nursing, Lord?' There are so many other things I am more qualified and better at so why this. why now. why me and not someone else who's whole life dream has been to do what I am getting ready to do. And as usual, I felt a deep and persistent peace that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, at the perfect time I need to be there. I don't need to understand the in's and out's but I do need to trust completely.
In the year and a half I have been on this journey, striving towards becoming a nurse, the Lord has proven Himself faithful time and time again. He has taught me about persevering, being steadfast and self disciplined, to keep going even when every natural emotion is telling me to stop. He has taught me to trust in His strength and to depend on Him- that His strength will always be enough and that He is reliable always.
I continue to learn that I may fail over and over at a task but that does not mean I can stop trying. Failure in our eyes does not mean quitting or giving up in God's eyes- it means being humble, acknowledging that you need help, and then relying on Him for the self esteem to try again (sometimes over and over).
The Lord has used others to inspire me along the way- to marvel at how He made some people with an incredible academic mind to retain all things medical. How He made others with a strong determination, using that determination to triumph over great obstacles (sickness, death, divorce, tragedy), not letting what they have endured stop them. They are over-comers.
I've also learned about how defeating perfectionism can be. How it can suck the life and joy out of your heart if it is your goal. How it will take you on a detour, bypassing what God has called you to be, all because you felt like you couldn't do it good enough. You may be afraid that you would fail or not measure up to your self imposed standard, so why start anyway.
My drive and prayer time was coming to an end. It was just before 6:00 a.m. and I was pulling into the skilled nursing facility where I would be spending the day doing a clinical rotation. A place where I would face so many of my own insecurities and fears- sickness, bad smells, giving shots, the possibility of failing at one of the skills I was learning, etc. As all these thoughts were bouncing around in my head, I did what I have done some many times over the last 18 months. I asked the Lord to give me wisdom, strength, and help as I navigated thorough my day. I asked for His help in accepting any failure that I may encounter and prayed for the humility to accept the failure, not as a defeat but as something to learn from. I also prayed for the resilience to try again and again, as many times as needed to get it right. I prayed for those I would come into contact with, that they would find His comfort and strength in their day also. Then I laid it down- every worry and fear I had, refusing to carry it with me during the day.
As I walked to my car this afternoon, after completing the clinical day, and started the drive home, it struck me- something that I have experienced so many times but seem to always be amazed by- God had today covered. No it didn't go perfectly, there were many imperfections, but He didn't need me to be perfect. He just needed me to follow His leading, trusting Him the entire time and rely on His guidance to get me through.
What a relief, how refreshing, and thank you Jesus!
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| Almost...Just a couple more weeks until the 1st semester is done!! |
