Birthday, Testimonies, and Battle's Lost

This past Sat. night was spent in celebration of my sister in law Liz's 29th Birthday....WHOOP! WHOOP! It was a dessert potluck, so all of us girls attending brought something yummy- My sis in law Erika brought a delicious fresh fruit salad, Missy made golden graham smores (brought 4 home for my boys), Becca made chocolate bunt cake, Michelle was honoring the fact it was May 5 or also known as Cinco De Mayo and brought chips/ salsa, Chrissie-April-Ali-Megan-Des......brownies, cookies, and more delicious desserts- I wish I would have eaten more, just one plate of dessert is unlike my normal habits (how cute were those polka dotted damask plates).  I got so caught up in the conversation and game I forgot to go back for mmmooorrreee!  I can't remember the name of the game we played but can tell you it included both Ali and Liz having to baa like sheep and chew on a chip every time someone had to pick up a card :) Happy Birthday Precious Liz a beth.....You a such a blessing!

Sun. night my sister Jodi was able to share,with a group of teen girls, her personal Testimony-specifically how the divorce of our parents impacted her.  It was a proud sister moment being in the audience listening to my brave sister share her heart in such a transparent way.......I love you sis and can hardly wait to share your testimony here on this blog- hopefully sometime next week (Jod gave me permission to share it!)

And last......Battle's Lost :)
Several Post's Back I mentioned that Elle's would rip the rubber bands out of her hair everyday and eat them if we did not catch her in time- I also mentioned back in Sept. (2011) that I surprised Matt (hee!) with getting Ellie's ear's pierced........
She loves playing in the dirt, does not mind being dirty, will rarely keep both shoes on longer than a minute, is not afraid to plow through the grass bare legged to get to where she wants to go- leaving her legs scratched and rashy, still spits up- only instead of letting it dribble down her chin she blows it out of her little mouth all over whatever outfit she is wearing......
Naturally, I really like cute styled hair, glitzy earrings, clean trendy clothes, etc...
I've lost the vain battle with Elle's.........Every morning we do the same routine......bath in which she gets her curly locks deep conditioned, hair in the cute pony with that adorable barrette, cute trendy clothes that were way too expensive, the shoes that match that way too expensive outfit..........
within 10 minutes the hair is a frizzy mess, the clothes are stained, her fingernails are dirty, she's missing 1 shoe, and to top it off..........she rips out 1 earring (always the right side) .........AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Today I took her left earring out (I can not find where she threw the right side earring......oh my gosh maybe she ate it and I should start looking in her dirty diapers!!) and taped it in her baby book with the date she got those precious little ears pierced and the date we let the earrings RIP.....

Philistines and Resentment

Ryan came home from school one day during his second grade year and announced that Carl (a student in his class) was from the Philistines!  Ryan was just at the age where Bible Stories were starting to make sense in his little mind- My guess is he had recently heard the story of David and Goliath and retained the term 'Philistine' when the Bible Story was referring to Goliath.  My mom and I had worked in Ryan's class once a week for that school year so we were acquainted with all of the students-  I started laughing right after his announcement and told him that Carl was actually from the Philippians which did sound a lot like 'Philistines'- What Ryan had 'thought' he heard became truth in his mind- Truth to the point he felt confident to announce it out.....
Funny how something sounds or feel's so right to us but when challenged by God's truth it can turn out to be so wrong.  This morning I was doing a chapter in my Bible Study labeled 'The Stead fast Mind'. Today focused on the verse found in Isaiah 26:3 'You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.'  The Bible Study leader goes on to confirm that 'God will always work every situation for the good in the lives of those who love Him.'  For me, understanding that God can turn any and all hard situations for His Glory and Our Good is, at times, hard to accept. Honestly, Doubt and annoyance was filling my mind as I did today's Study- I know in my heart God works all things together for His good but why in the world does it seem so complicated and like such a detour to get to the good when the situation seems so hard?  Why doesn't God just cut right to the 'working all things to the good' results and skip out on all the hard inbetween?  As soon as these thought started to get the upper hand in my mind I stopped and remembered a HUGE lesson God had taught me that completely answered my question.........
Going back to our son Ryan.....By the time he was 7 months old we had developed a new normal.  Our new normal included regular stays at our local hospital and a larger childrens hospital about 5 hours away.  He was born with several medical problems that would rock our family for the next decade.  In the midst of all the trauma Matt was completely overwhelmed- He kept telling me he could never go through this again (the medical problems with another child) because he swore his heart would break in 2 (a daddy watching his little guy struggle and there was nothing he (Matt) could do about it).  I really thought Matt was joking when he told me we would never have more children.  He felt the Lord had blessed us with 2 boys and emotionally he thought we were complete.......plus all the medical trauma had about done him in.  He found a doctor who would perform the surgery to almost guarantee your child bearing years were over- I was more than angry when I found out what he had done.........My heart burned with a resentment I did not know could exist because this mama was only 23 years old and not done having kids- I knew I wanted 1 more- just not right away......
The years ticked by and ticking right along with those years was my resentment....It had it's own hearbeat.......how dare he.......how dare he..........how dare he........
I felt so justified in every resentment feeling I nurtured- I really figured Matt had stepped out of God's will and I was going to be the one paying for it.  I am so humbled to say that I gave God absolutely no credit- Couldn't imagine how He could turn this situation for the good.  I believed my truth that the situation was hopeless and Godless. I believed my truth so much that I would stand unbending on it.  Over the course of this past year, since we adopted our Ellie, God put every thought and every shred of resentment I had about Matt's vasectomy under the microscope of His Truth and showed me that what I believed so firmly was a lie........It was nothing more than my feelings that I validated and ran with.......
God's Truth, which is found in Rom. 8:28 (God works all things together for those that love Him)made my situation look a little something like this-
God knew Matt would make the decision he did........God knew about my storong will and desire to have a 3rd child...........God knew of a birthmother whose baby girl belonged in our family.........God knew of my problem with patience...........Given my own way at the time, I would have never waited 15 years between my oldest and youngest, I would have simply used my strong will to bully Matt into that 3rd child probably by the time Ryan was 3 or 4.............God knew I needed a heart adjustment during those years of waiting- I needed to learn the value of waiting on the Lord for His timing and not run ahead with my own............God knew Matt's heart needed healing from all the trauma with Ryan's health...........I only knew and focused on my want.........God knew the perfect timing.......She's beautiful and fit's into our family perfectly........She was God's timing not mine......

Talking Divorce With My Dad Part 2

This is part 2 of the Blog Post Talking Divorce With My Dad.  Yesterday's post ended with:


I had grown up without him and he without me......
Before we get back to the talk my dad and I had,  I wanted to share a few more statistics about divorce:

• Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems.
• Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.
• Children divorce statistics indicate that children of divorced parents are four times more likely to report relational problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact.

Back to talk between my dad and I-
What were we going to do about the gap of 30 years between us- How were we going to pick up and move on?  How was I going to start trusting a man that proved himself untrustworthy?


Forgiveness being first and trust being second.....
The forgiveness could have  stopped at the asking and granting- no deep relationship sought but instead a Godly peace between us and no more......I wanted more than that and I know my dad did too but because of the long ago hurts I could not just hand my heart over- I needed to test the trust worthiness of the relationship- By owning that which he did wrong started the ball rolling in me trusting him- His willingness to allow me to ask ANY question and his transparent answers that do not hold even a hint of reserve opened the door to being able to understand all that had gone on and the reasoning behind it-  


Realizing that my dad is human and giving him grace and forgiveness when he fails and for past failures....
If my children gave me no grace or forgiveness I would be in big trouble because I have failed so many times as a parent.  A difference between my dad and I, as parents, is that my dad had failed right out of the gate, before any relationship had been established between us- In my mind this entitled me to look down on him and hold resentment.  God says different.......Forgive, Don't let bitterness take root, show grace to each other- Trust that God knew what my dad's actions would be and covered my sisters, brother's, and I and allowed nothing that He (God) could not ultimately use for His glory!


God will never fail, abandon, or let me down
This takes the pressure off my dad to be perfect and meet every need I have- Earthly father's are so important BUT my Heavenly Father is even more important- He is the one who ultimately will never let me down- He is the one who gives me the strength to make it through each day- 


The gap of 30 years gone by between my dad and I was breached by 2 arms spread wide and hands nailed to Calvary's cross........Christ shedding his blood for our sins....Rom. 5:8 While we were yet sinners Christ died for our sins.......He bore the weight of my dad's decision to walk out and my decision to become bitter and angry on the cross- He redeemed our decisions from the pit of hell and then rose to victory with our redemption!  Picking up and moving on for us looks like 2 people sitting at the foot of the cross in appreciation of all that Christ has done for us- None better or worse than the other.....In Christ we are equal and forgiven- That's how the Lord restores the years the locusts ate- He took the human facts (my dad was not at my birth, he was not there when I took my first steps, he did not walk me down the aisle etc..) and trumps them with Godly facts (Christ died on the cross for our sins....we have all sinned.....etc..) and shows us grace.  Grace in that my dad and I do not need to focus on the 'before's' but instead we get to focus on the amazing healing God has given us both!


Thank you for sitting at the foot of the cross with me dad- Forgive yourself and pick up your head that is hung in shame.........you have grandchildren and children that need you.......You have a Godly legacy to live!!

the not so bitter truth

My dad came over today and we talked about divorce- Specifically the divorce of he and my mom- The story is common, as common as found in 1 out of 2 marriages (Statistics show that 50% of marriages will end in divorce).........
I spent the first 30 years of my life loathing my dad for walking out on my mom, sister, and I- many of those years were bathed in bitterness and anger with a deep desire to know what kind of a man walks away from a loving wife and 2 precious babies- I would vacillate between two opinions- the first being he was heartless and self centered and the second being he had made a narrow minded decision with no idea the devastation and hurt it would cause.  I always wondered if he would make the same decision again given the chance to go back- whatever had caused him to walk away, would he say now that it was better than what he had with us- Was it all worth it?
In 2005, a few months after my 30th birthday I got a call from my dad- It was somewhat out of the blue as, at that point, we would see each other or talk on the phone 3-4 times a year, usually at a social gatherings or for specific purposes.  The Lord had been working in my heart prior to the phone call- opening my eyes to the sin of bitterness that had taken root towards him- I was beginning to realize that I had no right to hold grudges and bitterness towards him when I was a sinner too- Maybe my sin looked different (gossiping, judging, mean comments, etc.) and had different consequences BUT none the less it was still sin and I needed to get off my judgmental high horse and forgive. I could feel a hope starting deep in my heart that the Lord could restore the years my dad and I had lost.  Not literally, as time and circumstances naturally move you forward- but instead in the hearts of my dad and I, make it so that the bitterness that had taken root in my heart and the bad decision (to leave) my dad had made would be smooth ground between us- Joel 2:25 say's that the Lord can 'restore the years the locusts have eaten.'  My dad and I needed God to restore the years the locust had eaten in both of our lives!
After answering the call, he immediately said 'Hon, I need to ask you to forgive me.'............I knew what he was asking forgiveness for but wanted to hear his response anyway.........'For walking out on Jodi and you like I did'.............When we hung up my hands held my face as I cried- actually I wept............A decision to leave 30 years prior and a phone call asking forgiveness all these years later. What about all the in between......Life had somehow gone on for him and for me- We had both had so many life experiences- He had other children (I love you Chris, Levi, and Anne) and I had another 'dad'. I had grown up without him and he without me......

A few interesting statistics in regards to children and divorce-

Long term effects of divorce on children

• Out of the total long-term prison inmates, 70 percent are raised in broken homes
• Six years after a parental marriage breakup, the children of such parents are generally insecure, anxious, unhappy and lonely
• As compared with children residing in broken homes, those children who live with their biological parents are 20 to 35 percent physically healthier

Back to talk between my dad and I-
What were we going to do about the gap of 30 years between us- How were we going to pick up and move on?  What is the not so bitter truth?

I don't know what it looks like for others but this is what is looked like for my dad and I


Forgiveness being first and trust being second.....
The forgiveness could have  stopped at the asking and granting- no deep relationship sought but instead a Godly peace between us and no more......I wanted more than that and I know my dad did too but because of the long ago hurts I could not just hand my heart over- I needed to test the trust worthiness of the relationship- By owning that which he did wrong started the ball rolling in me trusting him- His willingness to allow me to ask ANY question and his transparent answers that do not hold even a hint of reserve opened the door to being able to understand all that had gone on and the reasoning behind it-  


Realizing that my dad is human and giving him grace and forgiveness when he fails and for past failures....
If my children gave me no grace or forgiveness I would be in big trouble because I have failed so many times as a parent.  A difference between my dad and I, as parents, is that my dad had failed right out of the gate, before any relationship had been established between us- In my mind this entitled me to look down on him and hold resentment.  God says different.......Forgive, Don't let bitterness take root, show grace to each other- Trust that God knew what my dad's actions would be and covered my sisters, brother's, and I and allowed nothing that He (God) could not ultimately use for His glory!


God will never fail, abandon, or let me down
This takes the pressure off my dad to be perfect and meet every need I have- Earthly father's are so important BUT my Heavenly Father is even more important- He is the one who ultimately will never let me down- He is the one who gives me the strength to make it through each day- 

The gap of 30 years gone by between my dad and I was breached by 2 arms spread wide and hands nailed to Calvary's cross........Christ shedding his blood for our sins....Rom. 5:8 While we were yet sinners Christ died for our sins.......He bore the weight of my dad's decision to walk out and my decision to become bitter and angry on the cross- He redeemed our decisions from the pit of hell and then rose to victory with our redemption!  Picking up and moving on for us looks like 2 people sitting at the foot of the cross in appreciation of all that Christ has done for us- None better or worse than the other.....In Christ we are equal and forgiven- That's how the Lord restores the years the locusts ate- He took the human facts (my dad was not at my birth, he was not there when I took my first steps, he did not walk me down the aisle etc..) and trumps them with Godly facts (Christ died on the cross for our sins....we have all sinned.....etc..) and shows us grace.  Grace in that my dad and I do not need to focus on the 'before's' but instead we get to focus on the amazing healing God has given us both!

Thank you for sitting at the foot of the cross with me dad- I love you and am so proud of your courage to talk truth- even when the truth hurt....on this side of heaven you may never know the impact your open honesty has had on my life but when we both stand with Jesus someday I pray He gives a glimpse.

My dad with his 5 kids

Take It To The Lord With Chocolate

On my today's calendar was marked the once a year, yearly check up, that us women usually refer to as our annual- The last time I saw my doctor for this appt. was 3 years ago, just before moving to Hawaii- At the time, a new screening had come out that enabled one to go for 3 years between visits if everything 'checked out normal' and if you were between certain ages (I may be wrong but I think she said under 40).  It's so weirdly hard for me to compartmentalize that feeling of dread when having to go to the doctor- Having been the queen of anxiety attacks in the past, I used to drag Matt along with me (just in case all the dreded emotion caused an attack) to sit in the waiting room- I would be talking myself out of hyperventaliting while resisting the urge to run like heck out of that waiting room all the while telling Matt just how much I hated being there.  Over the past several years, I Have learned different coping methods other than Anxiety Attacks- On a spiritual level I have allowed the Lord to heal me of past hurts......have submitted my life to His authority, Pray on a pretty constant basis for wisdom, peace, and Godly direction etc.....
When my doctor looked over the chart at my history she looked up with a geuine interest and asked how my stress level was- I explained that I was a bit to tired to linger too long being completely stressed out- She asked what healthy habits I had taken up to combat stress..........I started to say all the right answers (exercise, vitamins, etc..) and shut my mouth quickly cause I realized that would be a lie........'Dr. K, I EAT CHOCOLATE!'  As she was laughing I kept a straight face to assure her that I was totally serious :)
I take that stress directly to the Lord usually in silent prayer cause my mouth is too full of chocolate to udder one single word out loud-

My Sweet Ride.......

Note to self:
When you list your vehicle for sale have a back up plan for another vehicle- Think it all the way through because what if the obvious happens and your vehicle sales?

I've been diligently looking for a Honda Accord with fairly low miles between the years of 95-05 for several months- I came back from Hawaii with a Dodge Durango that had low miles and very reliable but only got 10 miles to the gallons when it came to gas.  With gas prices rising and the need for a 4 wheel drive vehicle gone (in Hawaii we needed a 4 wheel drive vehicle to comfortably access the ranch we lived on) we decided it was time to sell the Durango.
I really thought it would take longer to sell.........but it didn't- I figured when Matt told me a family was coming to take a 'look' at it and they were driving from 3 hours away to do so that my Durango had probably found a new home.
Until my Honda is found I will be sporting a 2 wheel drive 2 door Toyota pickup with a Snug Top (ooowww!!! I feel hot.......nu nu nu nu nu!!!)- It's an extra vehicle we have sitting in our drive way getting ready to be sold (Matt will periodically buy and sell vehicle's- this is one of those)- The door jam's when you lock it so gotta leave those unlocked (I also leave the key's inside in case anyone wants to steal it).....hee! What a sweet ride!

Awesomeness!

Cauliflower vs. Planters Warts :)

• Cauliflower looks like planters warts- that's what comes to mind every time I look at it....then I internally shutter and think.........eeww followed by a slightly grossed out feeling
• I've contemplated getting my eyeliner tattooed on BUT ......What happens if you get tired of your tattooed liner- If all the sudden you realized that black was not back?
• Speaking of black, I left my favorite black flats (the ones with the flower on the front) at the hotel in San Jose- Matt's relieved cause he said they smelled like dog poop when I took my feet out of them......they really wouldn't have looked good with socks so I would wear them with bare feet-I'm guessing my feet would sweat in them and the sweat over sweat over sweat caused the odor?
• Ellie rips the rubber band out of her hair everyday- If we don't catch her in time she will eat the band.......If I don't put her hair up it sticks up in the same frizzy way Kramer's (on Seinfeld) does- This mama can't be looking at that all day but not sure what the solution is?
• Matt was gifted a 'foot callous' remover for Father's Day last year- It looks like a small cheese grater- We all passed it around using it on our foot callouses.....time passed and we used it some more.  I was checking it out and saw that the back part of it was capable of sliding.........when the grated up skin from all the callous removal dropped out (It smelled like musky ground up teeth) I realized I should have never slid the back cover off.......
• Hope Your Fri. is great!

EXACTLY what Ellie's hair looks like after she rips it out of her pony!