Adoption Questions Answered part 4 of 4

I (Steph) was thinking about adoption- Specifically, how much trust is asks of both the Birth Parents and the Prospective Adoptive Parents- A birth mom has to trust a person/persons that they most likely have never spent anytime with and possibly never met (usually only 'met' by way of a book we put together with a profile of our family for birth parents to look at) until just before their baby is born.  They are asked to trust that what the adoptive parents present about themselves is actually true.  They are also asked to trust the prospective adoptive parents with a lifetime of raising their biological child- A child that has grown inside of them for months and months.  They are asked to process all of this while pregnancy hormones are multiplying by the day, conflicting emotions about their choice fight for their attention, differing opinions from family members are voiced, etc.. all the while trusting that it is going to be ok......SO MUCH PRESSURE!

The adoptive parents have to spend, in most cases, an enormous amount of time, emotional energy, and money trusting that a birth mother is going to choose them and then trusting that the attorneys/agencies/etc. have the best interest of their adoption in mind ... all along trusting their birth mom is comfortable with her decision to place....they are also trying to ready their home for the precious child, educate their extended family about 'proper adoption terms', calm their own fears and emotions regarding all the possible 'what if's'.....trusting all the while that it is all going to be ok............SO MUCH PRESSURE!

Adoption asks an incredible amount of trust from both the birth mom and the adoptive parents.......an unusual amount of trust right up front- Before the placement takes place.....
Then when you add 'open' to your adoption it brings a whole new level of trust to the table- The birth parents are needing to trust that what the adoptive parents say they will do.....they will indeed do (i.e. if letters, pictures, visits, etc.. are discussed and committed to trust is required on the birth parents part that the adoptive parents will follow through etc..).  The Adoptive Parents are needing to trust that the birth parents are comfortable with their decision to place therefor will not be invasive about the expectations they have on the adoptive parents (i.e. in most cases, it is probably not realistic to think that the birth parents will be in contact with the adoptive parents or the child daily or even weekly) nor will they  (the birth parents) seek to get their child back..........

The above being said, we are down to the last 2 questions:

Why did you choose an open adoption?

Both Matt and I believe that Ellie has the right to know, if possible, who her biological family is- We believe, when she is old enough to decide, she should be able to choose what type of relationship she has with them- In the meantime we (Matt and I) have the priveledge of nurturing the relationship with Elle's biological family until she makes the choice for herself. 
I (Steph) originally chose a closed adoption (when we first started our adoption process- before we were matched with our birth mom Heather) and then quickly realized that my decision was based on noting other than fear-  After much prayer and honesty with myself about the reasons for wanting a closed adoption- plus reading several books, talking to others that had been adopted, and education classes offered by our adoption agency I was passionate that if possible an open adoption would be best for our family.  Matt was open to either (closed or open) but leaned toward semi-open (meaning if nothing else that we would have contact info and every once in awhile contact with birth parents) if it was possible.

Are you ever worried that Ellie's Birth Parents will want her back?

When I asked Matt this question he said this has not worried him at all.  I appreciate so much that our birth mom Heather, since making her decision to sign the placement papers after Ellie was born, has never given any sort of indication that she would like Ellie back- I also appreciate so much that she would take the time to share her heart about the subject (see this BLOG POST). 
I would be lying if I said I have never worried about it- Do I let the worry consume me.....absolutely not- It goes back to trust....trusting our birth mom Heather, trusting God, trusting the State of Oregon and the State of Hawaii's Adoption laws that are in place for this very thing.......

Thank you again for the questions!!

Matt and Steph



Ellie and her friend Kailynn enjoying chocolate cake for Breakfast one morning last week :)

Our Birth Mother Heather Shares

One of the many positive things about open adoption is the communication we get to have with our birth mom Heather.  Before we go any further I do want to say that prior to sharing this blog post I asked permission from Heather- Both Heather and I are on the same page in that if something in our adoption story will help others in the same situation and if we both agree the sharing will not hurt Ellie in the future when she is able to understand adoption at a deeper level- than it gets shared with others.  As in any adoption, there is information/stories/history that will only be shared between Heather, Matt, and I- Ellie will know her adoption story in it's entirety when she can understand and it will be her choice what she shares (although we do talk about Heather even now to Ellie......Ellie just discovered her belly button- I tell her that her 'button' had a cord that was attached to her birth mom Heather when she was in her tummy.......can Elle's understand this- not yet BUT someday she will.  I really appreciate the advise a close friend of mine, who is the mommy of 3 little adopted blessings told me- she talks about her children's adoption from the time they are very little- she feels this makes it normal/natural to talk about as they get older.)

The most asked question I get when people hear we have an open adoption is:

Are you ever worried that Ellie's Birth Parents will want her back?

I will share my answer along with Matt's in the next blog post- Today's post is between Ellie and Heather (a post that Heather graciously allowed to be shared)

For a little history on what it was like when Heather signed our placement papers see HERE

Elle's someday you may ask or wonder if your birth mom Heather ever wanted you back after she placed you with daddy and I....Here is what she had to say:

'I love being part of your lives- I chose adoption.  I'm sure I could have found someone willing to take temp. custody of Ellie...and I do want my child with me.  I imagine how life would be with you Ellie BUT even if everything was perfect to have you with me, who am I to come into your life and say 'I'm ready to be your mom now' and rip you away from the mother you know, the one who has taken care of your every need.  I chose adoption from the beginning because I do not want you to feel the impact anymore than you already have.  A mother is someone that loves and cares for a child- fulfilling your every need, forming an intense bond.  I would not ever want you (Ellie) to loose that.  Taking you away from the mother (Steph) you know is not an option for me- That is why you are not in someones temp. custody.'

Thank you Heather for your bravery in sharing something so close to your heart- We love you...

Adoption Questions Answered part 3 of 4

Is it hard having older children and a baby? 

It is hard in that we have to be creative in thinking through activities we can do as a family of 5- Because the age gap of our children is so spread out- Ellie, still being in the baby phase (needing naps and a bedtime that is in the single digits) and Eli and Ryan being teenage boys that love spending time outdoors (dirt bike riding, boating, hunting, etc..)- At this point, We do not do a ton of stuff outside of our home (we sit around talking and hanging out outside with Ellie running around in her walker a lot when we are home) as the 5 of us.  We know this will change as Elle's gets a bit older. 

How did you know for sure you wanted another child- was it just wanting a girl or did you know your family was not complete?

(Matt) Stephanie kept bringing the subject of another child up (for 6 years before we began pursuing adoption)- finally I realized that my reasons for not wanting to adopt (we were young when we had our boys and I wanted to enjoy time with just Steph and I while we were still young empty nesters-plus not wanting another child because Ryan was so sick when he was little and I did not want to go through that again) were selfish.  If we could help a child's life by having it join our family I knew that is what God wanted my family to do.  I was open to either a girl or a boy- I thought a girl would be fun because we did not have one but would have been just as content having a boy.

(Steph) When I first started bringing adoption up to Matt it was a combo of feeling like a child was missing from our family and I wanted a girl- Because I knew that we were FOR SURE missing a child from our family- I figured that adoption would ensure I could get the girl I've always dreamed about (so humbling to admit that last sentence because of my immature thinking).  Over the 6 years of hearing Matt say 'no' to adoption, God worked on my heart and showed me that I was trying to have things 'my way' and not submit our adoption to His will for our lives.  I literally held my hands up and said 'Lord, our adoption story is yours- do with it what you may- May it be you and you alone that Has the Glory in it.'  I said this to God because I thought I was handing Him the rights to take the desire to adopt out of my heart because of Matt's resistance to have another child.  It was right after that Matt told me he was on board to adopt and we started our adoption process- I still really wanted a little girl but knew very clearly if God choose for us differently (we once even had our profile shown to a birth mom that did not know what she was having- but our emphasis throughout our whole adoption process to both our agency and attorney was 'girl') I would be 100% content with either.

Is it hard loving a child that is not biologically yours?

(Matt) Matt is not sitting here with me as I write this but I did ask him last night if he thinks it is difficult loving a child that is not biologically his- His response was that this was something he wondered before we adopted- What it would be like especially because he is not a 'kid person'- He said he thought about it up until he walked into the hospital room and saw Ellie for the first time- He said he has never thought about it since and loves her sometimes more than he loves our boys (hee!)

(Steph) I have so many thoughts on attaching/loving a child that is not biologically one's own- Can it be difficult........oh yes- I have had conversations with both friends and acquaintances that the love for their adopted child was either difficult to come by or maybe did not feel the same as the love transpired between they and their biological children. Again, each situation and adoption is so unique that I never want to perceivably 'flaut' that loving a child (either biologically or adopted) is always easy- I will say that while it may not be easy- IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE- I believe that Love is a choice not a feeling (feelings will a lot of times follow the choice).
I choose to love Ellie and Heather by way of God's Strength the minute I opened the e-mail from our attorney that contained Information about Heather (the e-mail was so that Matt and I could decide whether we wanted out profile shown to her or not)- I didn't love them in my own strength but instead with a love that God gave me because I had surrendered our adoption story over to Him- He (God) was writing the story not me-
I also had to face the reality that Heather may not like/love me and Ellie may grow up and seeth with resentment at me for the simple fact I am not her biological mom- This is risky as a mother to an adopted child- do you risk it all and give your love without holding back (so much easier said than done)- I have chosen to Love without holding back (again, with God's strength) which makes it possible to say that I love Ellie as my own flesh and blood- loving her comes very natural, not something that I have to stop and think about- I also love Heather as I do my own siblings- the love feels a lot like that of a sister.

Ellie holding a card that her birth mom Heather Sent for her 1st Birthday

I know this blog post is long but the below is so worth the read-  My friend Janelle recently sent me this (she had seen it on another friends facebook wall)
An Adoptee’s Perspective: 10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know

1. Adoption is not possible without loss. Losing one’s birth parents is the most traumatic form of loss a child can experience. That loss will always be a part of me. It will shape who I am and will have an effect on my relationships—especially my relationship with you.

2. Love isn’t enough in adoption, but it certainly makes a difference. Tell me every day that I am loved—especially on the days when I am not particularly lovable.

3. Show me—through your words and your actions—that you are willing to weather any storm with me. I have a difficult time trusting people, due to the losses I have experienced in my life. Show me that I can trust you. Keep your word. I need to know that you are a safe person in my life, and that you will be there when I need you and when I don’t need you.

4. I will always worry that you will abandon me, no matter how often you tell me or show me otherwise. The mindset that “people who love me will leave me” has been instilled in me and will forever be a part of me. I may push you away to protect myself from the pain of loss. No matter what I say or do to push you away, I need you to fight like crazy to show me that you aren’t going anywhere and will never give up on me.

5. Even though society says it is PC to be color-blind, I need you to know that race matters. My race will always be a part of me, and society will always see me by the color of my skin (no matter how hard they try to convince me otherwise). I need you to help me learn about my race and culture of origin, because it’s important to me. Members of my race and culture of origin may reject me because I’m not “black enough” or “Asian enough”, but if you help arm me with pride in who I am and the tools to cope, it will be okay. I don’t look like you, but you are my parent and I need you to tell me—through your words and your actions—that it’s okay to be different. I have experienced many losses in my life. Please don’t allow the losses of my race and culture of origin to be among them.

6. I need you to be my advocate. There will be people in our family, our school, our church, our community, our medical clinic, etc. who don’t understand adoption and my special needs. I need you to help educate them about adoption and special needs, and I need to know that you have my back. Ask me questions in front of them to show them that my voice matters.

7. At some point during our adoption journey, I may ask about or want to search for my birth family. You may tell me that being blood related doesn’t matter, but not having that kind of connection to someone has left a void in my life. You will always be my family and you will always be my parent. If I ask about or search for my birth family, it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I need you to know that living my life without knowledge of my birth family has been like working on a puzzle with missing pieces. Knowing about my birth family may help me feel more complete.

8. Please don’t expect me to be grateful for having been adopted. I endured a tremendous loss before becoming a part of your family. I don’t want to live with the message that “you saved me and I should be grateful” hanging over my head. Adoption is about forming forever families—it shouldn’t be about “saving” children.

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I may need help in coping with the losses I have experienced and other issues related to adoption. It’s okay and completely normal. If the adoption journey becomes overwhelming for you, it’s important for you to seek help, as well. Join support groups and meet other families who have adopted. This may require you to go out of your comfort zone, but it will be worth it. Make the time and effort to search for and be in the company of parents and children/youth who understand adoption and understand the issues. These opportunities will help normalize and validate what we are going through.

10. Adoption is different for everyone. Please don’t compare me to other adoptees. Rather, listen to their experiences and develop ways in which you can better support me and my needs. Please respect me as an individual and honor my adoption journey as my own. I need you to always keep an open mind and an open heart with regard to adoption. Our adoption journey will never end, and no matter how bumpy the road may be and regardless of where it may lead, the fact that we traveled this road together, will make all the difference.

Adoption Questions Answered part 2 of 3 (or maybe 4)

Good Morning Sunshine........hee! Thinking it is going to take 4 blog posts to answer the questions instead of 3. Matt is good about a short answer while I feel the need to explain (and I even edited this blog post down a bit)- Matt is good at staying practically minded when He explains most of our adoption (although he is still brought to tears when he explains certain parts of it) while I want to constantly think of it in the 'emotional' sense- my part of question number 1 included 6 years worth of what led up to our adoption emotionally........we went with Matt's practical answer :)

1.        How did you decide what type of adoption (private adoption or through the State)?  

I (Steph) wanted to adopt privately and Matt was open to either- When we moved to Hawaii, I  (S) called around to get more information about adopting through the state- At the time, Hawaii did not offer adoption through the State for children under 10 (most children that would need adopting are taken care by family members or friends) so our only option was private. 

2.       Is it expensive to adopt?    Private adoption can be expensive.   Matt and I clearly knew God was calling us to adopt by way of a private adoption but when the time came to say ‘yes’ to Ellie’s adoption the fee’s surrounding her adoption (attorney fees etc.) were completely out of the boundaries of what Matt and I had discussed we would spend.  The adoption agency we were going through presented you with very close figures of what your adoption would cost- These were the figures we were comfortable with and had prepared for financially- Because Ellie’s adoption was brought to us through private attorneys the amount the attorneys wanted was substantially more than not only our adoption agency but what we had financially planned for.  It was difficult to navigate between the emotional facts and the physical fact that our attorney wanted so much money for Ellie’s adoption (emotional facts being that both Matt and I knew we were called to adopt and we knew that Heather and Ellie were our match.).  God had confirmed our whole adoption process up to this point- It was difficult to know how to move forward in Faith- Was it the Lord shutting the door to our adoption or was it simply a leap of faith we needed to take- trusting God with our finances (that He would provide the outstanding balance we would have for Ellie’s adoption).   To make a long story short we moved forward with Ellie’s adoption- Our Faithful Heavenly father provided every penny we needed to complete our adoption.  He used Matt’s financial stewardship (our savings account that had years of hard earned money that Matt insisted we save), several beautiful families that God nudged the hearts of to give in a financial way to our adopiton, an agency called Show Hope (who offers grants to families that are adopting), and an Adoption Tax Credit offered by the Federal Government.

3.       Where do you begin if you are interested in adoption?  Lots of prayer J  It also never hurts to get educated about adoption- Talk to friends or others you know who have adopted, read adoption books, read adoption blogs from both birth mothers and families that have adopted.  If  you live in a State that offers either private or state adoptions,  talk to a social worker that handles adoptions through the state, an adoption attorney, and an adoption agency to decide what fits your families situation best.                                                                            
        Thank you again for the questions!

Adoption Questions Answered part 1 of 3

THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS!!  Between my husband Matt and I we wondered (Matt) or asked (Me) before we adopted every question we were asked :)

If you did not catch the last blog post it was titled Adoption Questions Anyone?  Matt agreed to sit down with me and answer questions about our adoption.  Please know that as we answer your questions, our story represents our experience and like a lot of things in life, adoption experiences are all different.

Right now, Matt is laying on our living room couch and I am sitting in the funky maroon chair beside.....my feet propped up on the red fake leather foot stool-

Here we go- This is part 1 of 3 (12 questions total so if your question is not on here it will be on one of the two next posts- The questions are in no particular order)

1. How often do you talk to Ellie's Birth mom/ How do you communicate with her?  Guessing that if you averaged it out we talk about once a month- We mostly text but sometime talk on the phone.  We are also friends on facebook and have each others e-mail address if we choose to use that too.
2. Are you scared Ellie will be resentful that she was adopted when she is older?  We both hope not but know that it may be a possibility- part of the reason we choose an open adoption is we want Ellie to know who her biological family is- Our birth mom Heather has said from the beginning of our adoption process that she wants to be there for Ellie when she gets older if Elle's wants to know why Heather made the choice to place (adoption) instead of parent.  Matt thinks about this possibility less than I do- He figures we will deal with it when/if Ellie battles this- I have prayed A LOT about this issue and grieve for both Ellie and Heather as they both have felt and will feel a loss- Heather more so at the placement (after delivery) and Ellie when she is old enough to realize that while we absolutely adore her and know that God choose her for our family, she also has a biological family that she was not raised with.
3. How have your boys adjusted to having a little sister?  Our middle son Ryan, who is 13 just walked into the room so I asked him this question- He said, 'It's fun having a little sister- (He then switched into his Nacho Libre imitation voice) It's a blessing from God......if you know what I mean!'  I asked Ryan what has been the hardest thing about our adoption- He said that we are not able to do as much stuff (as a family) because Ellie is not able to yet (example would be the boys want to float down the river....sometimes I would join if we have a babysitter but other times Matt takes them and I stay home with Elle's).  I asked Ryan what the funnest thing about having a little sister is- He said 'hanging out with her and getting to play with her.'
4. Are you going to adopt anymore children?  At this point, both of our answer is no BUT we all know that God could turn that around....We are not actively seeking to adopt again- we have been presented with the possible option and still did not feel a tug in our heart to adopt.  Matt and I both feel more of a calling to help those we come into contact with that may be pursuing the option of adoption by way of referring them to the adoption agency we were going through before we adopted Ellie and/or tell them about friends and family members we know who are interested in adopting.

Questions that will be answered in the next two posts:

1. How did you decide what type of adoption (private adoption or through the State)?  
2. Is it expensive to adopt?
3. Where do you begin if you are interested in adoption?  
4. Is it hard having older children and a baby?
5. How did you know for sure you wanted another child- was it just wanting a girl or did you know your family was not complete?
6. Is it hard loving a child that is not biologically yours? 
7. Why did you choose an open adoption?
8. Are you ever worried that Ellie's Birth Parents will want her back?

July 2012

Adoption Questions Anyone? (Post Closed To Questions)

Please Note That This Post Has Been Closed To Questions- we answer 12 of the questions asked on the following 3 blog posts- BIG THANK YOU FOR ASKING :)
Do you have any adoption questions...............PLEASE ASK US!
I asked Matt a couple nights ago if he gets asked questions about adoption- He stopped what he was doing and said 'actually yes'- I then asked him if the questions felt invasive (Matt is the more private of the 2 of us).........His response actually surprised me 'Nope, not at all!'.......so then I asked him if he would be willing to sit down and write a blog post with me answering adoption questions- For the second time in my blogging history (Matt helped me write 18 Tips to Celebrate 18 Years of Marriage) my man and are are going to share the stage-
You have several ways you can ask your questions.....

• facebook by way of private message
• e-mail me (blessingofadoption@hotmail.com)
• Under the comment section of this blog (I will not post the questions asked)

Just to put a few things out there for you to think about.......

• The most asked question Matt gets is 'Is it hard to love a child that is not biologically yours?'
• The most asked question I get is 'Are you afraid that Ellie's birth parents will want her back and you will loose her?'

Some facts about our adoption.........

• We adopted domestically (from the US)
• Our adoption was a private adoption (we did not adopt through the State)
• We did not adopt through an agency (although we we signed up with one) but instead through a private Attorney
• We have an open adoption (meaning we have contact with our birth mom Heather)
• We received a grant from an Agency called Show Hope to help cover the costs of our adoption

PLEASE DON'T HOLD BACK IN YOUR ASKING OF QUESTIONS!  Adoption is a beautiful thing and important to be educated about if it is something you are considering.......I am so thankful for all the people (including blogs I read that I did not know the people personally) that opened up about adoption... what it was really like........people who had experienced it...........people who had lived it (birth mothers, children that have been adopted, and parents that have adopted)

Happy Friday!
Steph

A great resource for Adoption Information and Adoption Grants

Got Sand?

We went to the coast when Ellie was a couple of months old but she slept the entire time we were at the ocean- This past weekend was her first real experience at the beach.......I told myself for weeks before we went that I would not worry about or try to patrol her experience in the sand-

Oh my........SAND........she loved it, she ate it, she rolled in it, SHE HAD IT EVERYWHERE!
I'm so glad the weather (which was overcast but not cold) was nice enough that we could let her enjoy the sand in 'diaper only' and keep it out of her clothes, shoes, etc.