conversations about childbearing...

A fellow Blogger, Amanda, wrote a blog post questioning why it's not talked about, written about, blogged about, etc. when, as women, our season of childbearing ends.  She and her husband have two children and over the past several years have pursued to grow their family by way of adoption.  Adoption, from the time a baby is born until the paper work has been signed and has closed, is so fragile.   So many emotions are experienced by both the birth mother and the family pursuing adoption.  Amanda and her family have been placed with a baby multiple times and each time, the birth mother has decided to parent.  Such a blessing for the birth mother but so much heartache for Amanda.  After much prayer, Amanda and her husband decided that, at this point, they would no longer pursue adoption.  Their family would be complete and she would begin the process of working through what it means for her to be at the end of her childbearing years.  Her blog post touched my heart.  I know where she's at- you've had your kids, your still young, you don't quite feel 'done' but because of circumstances you are done- There is a 12 year gap between Ryan and Ellie and for most of those years, my heart ached for another baby (or child).
I also realized, after reading through her post and then replying in the comment section, how, at least for me personally, it's ok to be done with your childbearing season.  After we adopted our Ellie, Matt and I both knew we were done and our family was complete.  When this happens, at least for us, and your still in the child bearing age, there is a sense of panic at the thought of getting pregnant... Yes, I know if that happens (or if the Lord calls us to adopt again), it would be a HUGE blessing....BUT....... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH  :) :)

The Lord will use whatever season we are in, whether it's longing for a child, or whether like me, its the season of being content with the amount of children you have.  He will walk us through our circumstances and grow us in Him.

Below is an excerpt from the blog post Amanda posted and my reply in her comment section.

"I've been thinking a lot about how eager and willing we are to mentor younger women in their new seasons of life. Entering college, adapting to a career, being a newlywed, stepping into new ministry roles, or becoming a mom are exciting times......One thing I hardly ever hear other women talk about is the end of the season of childbearing. I don't mean menopause because I know for a fact that women like to talk about that.....I'm just not sure there's a lot of mentoring in the ending of childbearing. Why do you think that is?  Is it because no one hires a photographer to send out "We're done reproducing!" announcements and no Pinterest boards with great ideas for "We're moving on!" reveal parties? Is it because this isn't very exciting and therefore it's unseen? Maybe it's just too private a matter. (But let's be honest. We get down to the nitty gritty about childbirth. Do we care that much about privacy?).... When every mom faces the end of the baby years at some point, it seems strange that it isn't talked about more.......I don't know about you, but I need to hear these stories. I need to know what it looks like to move on gracefully even though there is heartache. It would be really powerful to know the stories of the older women in my village. I need to take the time to ask them these kinds of questions: Why did it end for you? Was it your decision or was it because of circumstances out of your control? Did you and your husband agree on when it was time to be done? If not, how did you come to peace? Five years later, did you have regrets? Do you have regrets now? Did it end on a high note or  with trauma? Is it even possible for this season to end on a high note? Is this painful for everyone?....."

I thought about Amanda's blog post for a bit and responded in her comment section why I shy away from conversations that include the season of child bearing closing....

At my core, I shy away from conversations that include the season of child bearing closing for the fearful fact of 'Oh my goodness WHAT IF God were to call our family to have more children' What if, by acknowledging the season is over it somehow perks up God's ears and Her remembers that He still wants us to have more- Yes, I know that He would give us the strength BUT as much as I have enjoyed raising our 19 year old right into young adulthood and raising our 16 year old....and holding her own right behind her older brothers is our precious 4 year old (whom we adopted)...As much as I have enjoyed each and everyday of child raising (and will continue to enjoy it)- I feel tired out and all done having babies (or adopting babies). I know I can't boss God around (I've tried and it doesn't work...smile) so instead I slink down in my seat when such conversations come up and pray that either I will go through early menopause or become too old to adopt in every county throughout the whole world because then I know that the season is over- that the possibility of God calling us to more children is over (although I think of Sarah and Abraham...they were 'as old as dead' when Isaac was born)
That being said, during the 12 year gap between my then youngest and the adoption of our daughter I went through a deep grieving time that by the age of 41 we would be empty nesters. I remember the first day of dropping my (then) youngest off for a full day of school and driving away feeling incredibly lost....like the roles I had embraced for so many years were changing and I did not know how to let go politely. Along with this changing season was the deep desire I had to adopt- It was not until 6 years after dropping my youngest off at school that the Lord brought our adoption full circle- In those 6 years the Lord taught me some incredible lessons about solely depending on Him...to hold each season of child raising close to my heart but not to clench it in my fists...that my identity is first in Him and His desires for my life, then in my role as a wife, and then in my role as a mother...so many other lessons that I learned when my kids went to school and God and I had many hours of quiet time during the day...'

Mama's....May God Bless and keep you, whatever your season!

Happy Saturday

p.s. To read Amanda's full post, click here

Christmas 2011

pictures...pictures...and more pictures :)

some favorites from the last couple of months....

finding it's rightful place

    Thank the Lord! Praise His name!

Tell the nations what He has done.
Let them know how mighty He is!
Isaiah 12:4

In July of 2012 I wrote the following  in a blog post (click here to read the post):

'I just had to send you a quick e-mail and tell you how sad but healthy our conversation was today- healthy cause it seems our relationship has found its 'rightful' place but sad because deep in my heart I always thought it's rightful place was going to look so different than what it's turned out to be.......'

To which she replied

'I feel the same way...bittersweet..........thanks for telling me......' 

The post was in reference to the relationship between my sister in law Heidy and I- the 18 year long road we had traveled.  To date, it is the hardest blog post I've ever written... In my mind, speaking out (by way of blogging) and acknowledging that our relationship had found it's 'rightful' place, which looked so very different than what either one of us would have chosen, meant we were at the end of our road and this grieved my heart.  We would remain family but not pursue friendship- a friendship I had so hoped would be.

'Thank the Lord! Praise His name!' Isaiah 12:4 begins

Today is Thanksgiving and I am so thankful for the Lord.  I am thankful for the plan He has for each one of our lives.  I am thankful that when we give up or see no hope, He is still at work...He is still there...He is still lovingly and tenderly navigating us through this sometimes confusing life we all live.  He is our hope

'Tell the nations what He has done.  Let them know how mighty He is!' 

It was 2010 when Heidy and I made the decision to remain family (see each other at family functions but not get together beyond that) but not pursue friendship.  Almost 4 years went by and both of us kept up our end of the bargain.

But God, our mighty and victorious God, our God who I am so thankful for, saw a different ending for Heidy and I.  He saw beyond the, by this time, almost 21 years of struggle we had between us.  Last year, we started careful tread into each others lives again- a little here and a little there...it helps that our kids, cousins, adore each other.  The biggest help though was that we knew it was only by God's grace and goodness we were to the place that we were and both of us were so thankful for His presence in our relationship.  We also began to realize that, with God's guidance, we would be able to navigate through our strong opinions and different view points.

Our families are spending Thanksgiving together this year.  Just us, together for 4 days....for us and where we have been, this is only possible because of God.

Thank you Lord Jesus for Heidy, for your placement of her as my sister in law.  Thank you for the love she has for you and the love she has for others.  Thank you that we are able to spend Thanksgiving together, a testimony of you mighty and healing hand in our lives.  I love you Dear Lord.

We no longer squabble over whose doctrine is better or whose 'schooling' style is more Godly

or whose turn it is the call the other person or who forgot whose birthday

We are simply grateful to God for the lessons learned-  and for a relationship that has found it's rightful place

Please meet my sister in law, Heidy and her husband, Wayne.....

I just had to put the picture above first- This is she and my bro in law going to a redneck party where you had to dress AWFUL!

:) :) :)

Ok, in all seriousness, please meet my beautiful sis in law, Heidy!
Happy Birthday Heid- love you lots!!

sorting

Our family leaves for Germany in 58 days.
It's a lot to take in...
the details
the reality
the Lyme Disease Ry is battling
the unknown
the 'what if's'

I had hoped to blog a bit more about all that is going on- all the logistics and blessings along the way.
To be able to sit down and let the words just naturally pour from my heart into each post and hit 'publish' without a second thought.
But just like so many things in life, it's not working that way....
To be honest, I am still learning how to talk about Ryan's Lyme without getting a pit in my stomach and fighting off tears.   The words in my heart are swirling around- faith and fear are colliding.
God's in control, I know that, but this mama's heart ache's for her baby.  There is hope, yes.  God has a perfect plan for Ryan's life....
But in His perfection, sometimes we find ourselves sorting through the pain of what He allows.

My goal is to take you all on our trip with us.  My goal is also to get to the point where talking, writing, blogging about Lyme can be done with compartmentalized emotions...where you get the facts and details about what is going on without the extra baggage of a mama who would rather her baby was not going through even one day of having Lyme.
I'm just not there yet
It's coming
God's faithful to work it all out
in His timing and in His way

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.' Rom 8:28

Today, as you close this blog post, would you take a minute and pray for a few folks who also have Lyme.  Folks that have had their world and health turned upside down, much like us, and who are seeking out the right treatment for them.

Please pray for Kris, Katie, Jonny, Rachel, Molly, Pam
And please keep praying for our Ry

Would you also please pray for the continued health of two precious girls who have already completed their treatment in Germany and are doing great: Olivia and Adrianna

Thank you


p.s. I would encourage you to hit play on the song below- sit back in your chair- close your eyes
and just listen...not just with your ears but with your heart.
we all have a mountain in front of us, a situation that is out of our control.  Yours may not be a sick child, it may be something different...I pray that this song comforts you as it has me.

'Let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name'

we'd do it all over again

Matt and I were sitting across the table from each other a few nights back. my camera sitting on the table between us.  He grabbed it and took a picture of me, telling me to smile 'normal' the whole time he was taking it...I, in turn, grabbed the camera when he set it down and took a picture of him.

When we were done and the camera sitting back between us again, I pulled up the picture Matt had taken of me, showed him and said. 'what would you have said if someone would have shown you this picture 25 years ago and said that this was your future wife?'

'I'd say you are HOT and I would get married to you all over again'

21 years, 3 months, 17 days later my man still say's he would do it all over again
Thank you Jesus cause marriage isn't a cake walk
it has good days
it has mediocre days
and then it has incredibly hard days
sometimes hard years

He flipped the camera around and scrolled through until he found the picture I had taken of him.  He showed me and asked what I would have thought, 25 years ago, if someone told me this was my future husband.

'Babe, I've loved you since I was 16 years old....you drive me crazy some days.  We feel totally misfit for each other some days. But I love you....I'll love you always....I just will.  Oh, and I would get married all over again to you too  :)'

We changed the subject after that and I didn't think anymore about the conversation until this afternoon- I was looking through my pictures and came across the 2 pictures Matt and I took of each other.

I love my Matt

the opportunity to be part of complicated

Friendships can be so complicated..really, any relationship between two people can be complicated.  Different perspectives, different opinions, different backgrounds, and different communication styles are just a few of the bridges that are crossed when we interact with others.  We, needing to cross their bridge as the relationship developes and they needing to cross ours.

Since the beginning of the year, I have had the opportunity to be part of a complicated friendship.  It was not a new friendship that had birthed itself with complicated but instead one that had several years of harmonious history behind it.  A solid friendship that had founds itself quite complicated over the course of less than a months time.

Misunderstanding with a lack of communication turned to frustration
frustration with a lack of communication turned to reaction
reaction with a lack of healthy communication turned to more frustration
more frustration finally turned to division.

By mid summer the friendship had divided itself and in my mind, a stop loss occurred.  We had stopped the friendship so that no more damage could be done- there would be no more loss.  The division between us had not been advertised by either one of us and only a few other people knew about all that had gone on.  I told myself it was all contained, only affecting she and I, when we parted ways and carried on life.

Last Sunday, the Lord graciously allowed a conversation between myself and another precious woman to take place.  This precious woman was telling me about how the Lord brings good from hard times and how He brings things together for our good and His Glory, even when it doesn't seem like it.  Very ungraciously, I fired back with an angry response that went something like this 'Yes, the Lord does do that BUT it does not make what others do to us ok!'  Basically meaning that if someone hurts me, yes, the Lord will bring about his Glory and my good from the situation but I still have a right to be angry at the offender- a right to carry my case around, even only inside my own head, and use it to justify the resentment I felt.

Proverbs 4:23 

'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.'

After the conversation, I headed into Sunday School. Even as I sat down in the Sunday School Class, I could feel the Holy Spirit laying on my heart how rude my response had been.  I sat there with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for a couple of minutes and realized that I needed to go find the woman I had just verbally vomited on and apologize.  She was gracious in the apology and we both carried on.  She, not realizing how much our conversation impacted my heart and I, knowing that the belief I had told myself, that the divided friendship was compartmentalized and I had moved on from it, was not true. I had not guarded my heart by confessing my anger to the Lord and asking Him to help me deal with it, instead, I had tucked it deep inside my heart and put on a good facade that all was ok.....but that's all it was, a facade.

After church, I knew I needed to send a text, to pursue meeting with the friend who I had the complicated relationship with.  I was not thinking we would regain a friendship but instead come to a place where we could both agree to disagree and move on with peace between us.  Agree that when we see each other we would at least say 'hi' and not go out of our way to avoid the other person.

It was not planned this way, but a 3rd party was able to be in on some of our meeting.  This person was able to overhear both sides of the story- They were able to hear both of us pour out what had hurt and frustrated us.  They were able to hear what each of us thought had brought us to the place we had found ourselves in that day.  As the meeting was winding down, this friend and I had decided it was probably best to move on from the relationship and not seek anything other than respectful common ground between us.  We were not able to get on the same page, even during the meeting.

'I think it's the wrong choice, letting the friendship go' was the repeated words that came out of the 3rd parties mouth.

'Then how do we move forward from this?  If we move forward in friendship reconciliation (as opposed to letting the friendship go and just being peaceful acquaintances) how can we get past our differences!!?'

'Choose to let the past go and then choose to think the best about the other person'

'Choose to not assume the worst about the other but think the best about them every time you see them (and in the meantime)' Was the advise given to us. 

This person then went on to say that too often we let our Spiritual Family go when we are offended- we friend hop, church hop, and really have no loyalty other than to our offenses (letting our offended hearts dictate when we stay in a relationship, church, etc. instead of letting grace and forgiveness reign)

HUH? was what my initial thought was-
Where's the justice in that.  Let all the past go.....smmmmhhh....

'Don't think about the past (in terms of the hurt and frustration)- Don't let your mind go there- MOVE ON and press forward in forgiveness and the understanding that you will choose to only think good about each other.'

Something clicked in my heart as the 3rd party was saying all of this.  I knew the words spoken were true but it seemed too easily hard.  Such a easy thing to do.....only think good about someone- if you hadn't been hurt by them.  Such a hard thing to do....when hurt and frustration have been reigning in your mind for almost a year.  

This friend and I both looked at each other as the 3rd party was talking and I could see that we were both profoundly affected by not only the words being said but by the hurt and frustration that had gone on.  Neither one of us were going to walk out the winner if we tried to hold on to our offenses- we would both loose.  We would loose a friendship, we would loose the chance to learn how to die to self and see another point of view, we would miss out on the great opportunity of offering grace and forgiveness.  We would, most importantly, miss out on a cross opportunity- A chance to live in the freedom of why Jesus died on the cross for us....so that we could be free from having to carry anger, bitterness, unforgiveness.

This friend and I hugged at the end of the meeting and agreed to move forward in pursuing friendship reconciliation.  We haven't seen each other since our meeting- we haven't had the opportunity to BUT I have had many an opportunity to think about the situation- I have had hours and hours of choosing to think only good about this friend.  

Here's to good relationships gone bad only to find hope at the foot of the cross and become good again.....It really is a God thing :)

5400 miles in 90 days

Ryan was bit by a small dear tick (about the size of a stud earring) in May of 2014 on the side of his stomach.  Two weeks to the day later he developed what we would later learn was a bullseye rash (we kept calling it a hive at first) at the site of the tick bite.  Along with the bullseye rash he became really achy, ran a constant low grade fever, and was tired all of the time (sleeping 20 hours a day).  The bullseye rash stayed at the tick bite site but also started spreading around Ryan's body for the next 4 months.

I took this picture of Ryan (the bullseye rashes) in June 2014, a month after being bitten by the tick

We took Ryan to the doctor as soon as his first symptoms started but did not know about the tick bite during his first couple of visits.  At the doctor, he was first diagnosed with having an allergic reaction and then with a virus that was said to last about 3 weeks and did not require antibiotics.  Within the first week (and 2 doctors appointments later), Ryan told us about the tick he had pulled out of the side of his stomach.  When he lifted his shirt to show us where the tick had been there was a huge bullseye rash at the site.  We called the Doctor and told him what we had learned (Ry had been bit).  I also started googling what kind of reactions you could have if you were bit by a tick.  This was not the first time my boys had been bit by ticks- We lived in a wooded tick ridden area at the time and they both love the outdoors- Prior to this, we didn't think twice about tick bites.

It was mid June by this time and Ryan had been sick for 4 weeks- each day getting progressively worse.  He had missed most of the last 3 weeks of school because he did not have the energy to go.
One side of his face had started tingling off and on and he was starting to have some other unusual symptoms.
I had done enough research to know that Ryan was showing very classic symptoms of Lyme (blasted tick!!) and also knew that diagnosing the Lyme would likely need to be done by a specialist- It is tricky to diagnose and most often done by someone who is specially trained in treating it (as opposed to a general practitioner).  
During this time, my friend Deb's mom, Darlene, was getting pedicures from a woman whose daughter had also been bit by a tick (she lives in our area).  Her daughter had become sick, much like Ryan.  This family had found a Lyme Literate doctor in a town three hours away who was able to diagnose the Lyme.  Darlene found out the name of the Lyme Literate doctor and passed it on to Deb- Deb passed it on to me....Love how God connects the dots for us and brings the right information along right when we need it.

We were able to make an appointment with the same doctor and Ryan was diagnosed with Lyme Disease 6 weeks after being bitten by the tick.
The Lyme had 6 weeks to rack havoc on his body (in Oregon, this is a short time- most people go for years undiagnosed) 
He spent the next 6 months on 2 antibiotics a day and by mid December (2014) he was not showing any more symptoms of the Lyme so was able to go off of the antibiotics.
During this time, the local family whose daughter was battling Lyme, had found out about a treatment in Germany that has outstanding results when it comes to treating Lyme. 

When it comes to treating Lyme effectively, both the Holistic and the Pharmaceutical worlds must pull together.  We have mastered so many things in the United States but we have not mastered this.  The Germans (and most of the European Countries) have proven that among other things, high doses of Vitamin C along with IV Ozone, have a high success rate of beating Lyme.  Vitamin C and Oxygen can not be patented.  This means the US Pharmaceutical Companies can't profit from the use of it but they can profit from the use of the antibiotics used to 'manage' Lyme.

Ryan started showing symptoms of Lyme again this past August (2015).  We took him back up to his  Lyme Literate doctor and had extensive testing done to find out if the Lyme was back.
Sept. 15, we learned that Ryan's Lyme was indeed back and it was determined it had been in his system for longer than 2 months (meaning it was from his original tick bite the previous May).  It was also considered 'chronic'- meaning that, according to statistics, it was not able to be cured but instead something he would need to manage for his lifetime.  The 'bouts' he would have to endure would look similar to his first bout (feeling really sick with all kinds of awful symptoms).  

When we learned the news, Matt and I, along with many of our close friends and family, began to pray that the Lord would give us a peace about the right direction to go.

Earlier this Spring, the local family who we had heard about the Lyme Literate Doctor from, took their daughter to Germany to receive treatment- the results were outstanding.  Bless this precious girls heart, she went to Germany in a wheel chair because the Lyme was wracking havoc on her body and came home symptom free.

Matt and I have said, from the beginning of Ryan's Lyme journey, that we would do everything we can to give Ry the best chance of beating Lyme.  If it is something he has to take into his adult life, it won't be because we didn't pull out all the stakes and give it our all (please know that for us, this means going to Germany- for other's, it may look like something different- not one way is better but it is a unique and individualized journey for each person/family who takes this road).

After much prayer and quite honestly, much agonizing as to what we felt like the best treatment for Ryan's Lyme was, we decided to go to Germany.

90 days from today, Januray 15, 2016, we will be traveling 5400 miles to a country we have never been to.  We will spend just under 11 weeks there as Ryan goes through treatment.

When you think of it, could you please pray for our Ryan- for his body to stay strong as he goes off of the antibiotics he has been on since days after the symptoms of his Lyme started coming back in August (German Protocol calls for him to be off antibiotics for 3 months prior to treatment for detox).  Could you please pray that he will tolerate the treatment well.  And could you please pray for all the details involved in transitioning life five thousand miles away for such an extended period of time.

As of today, Ryan is doing great- The Antibiotics have successfully suppressed the Lyme so that his symptoms are mild (constant low grade fever and a few other small symptoms).  We are so thankful for this and pray it continues as we count down the days until we leave.

Thank you for walking this journey with our family and for the support so many of you have shown.   May God Bless and keep each one of you.

The note that went to Ry's School from his doctor