Merry Christmas

From our family to yours....
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

p.s. we'd also like to introduce you to our nephew Caleb, who totally photobombed our Christmas pic :) :)
We love you Caleb!!

faith tests and perseverance

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

James 1:2-4

Since September, when we received the test results that Lyme was still in Ryan's system, a heaviness has settled in my heart.  It's not a depression and it's not oppression.  It's not smothering heavy and it's not unbearable heavy, but it is a constant heavy- something that I am aware of most minutes of each day and something that I can't shake.

'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds...'

To be honest,  if I don't cling to the Lord, His presence and His promises, the heaviness and the reality of Ryan's Lyme can make me angry.  I can shake my head and purse my lips and think to myself...'REALLY!  Are you kidding me Lord!....WHY!!?'  As a parent, watching your child suffer or struggle is, I believe, one of the most difficult things we can experience.  When you can't 'fix' what they are going through is so hard.

James answers the 'WHY' question:

'because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance....'

Perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Each day, as I 'feel' the unshakable heaviness in my heart, I am reminded that it is in the trials, the hard times, the heavy times that our faith has the chance to grow.  It's in times like these that we get to know for ourselves what God's comfort and peace feels like- We also have the chance to share with others the peace that the Lord is comforting us with.  My whole family has the opportunity to feel God's presence and constant peace filling our hearts.  We get to experience a peace that passes all understanding and the joy of knowing that the trial set before us is under the Lords complete authority and control.  He promises purpose and a plan to all that we experience during our life here on earth.  We also have the opportunity to persevere, in God's strength and through Him.

 'Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'

perseverance is no easy task.  
nope
it's hard and, even at times, feels heavy
but the promised reward of Jesus Christ, our great victor, having an eternal purpose to each trial He allows us to go through is worth pressing on towards.  He gives us hope when circumstances are heavy....Amen!

May God Bless and keep you in whatever season you find yourself in and may we all press on and persevere knowing that our Heavenly Father has a plan and purpose both here and into eternity!

P.S. We leave for Germany in three weeks.  Ryan's Lyme symptoms are virtually non existent at this point.  I wish this meant the Lyme was gone but it doesn't....it means that the antibiotics Ryan was taking up until 8 weeks ago were able to knock it into a remission of sorts.  Our (and many others) prayer has been that Ryan will not be sick with his Lyme symptoms when we go to Germany- That the Lyme would stay in remission just as it is now.  It makes traveling so much easier and it makes the transition of everyday life from here to there easier too.  We have learned with Ryan's Lyme that it is a day by day thing...one day he could be doing just fine and the next his symptoms reappear and start taking over.  Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

Schwabisch Hall, Germany

conversations about childbearing...

A fellow Blogger, Amanda, wrote a blog post questioning why it's not talked about, written about, blogged about, etc. when, as women, our season of childbearing ends.  She and her husband have two children and over the past several years have pursued to grow their family by way of adoption.  Adoption, from the time a baby is born until the paper work has been signed and has closed, is so fragile.   So many emotions are experienced by both the birth mother and the family pursuing adoption.  Amanda and her family have been placed with a baby multiple times and each time, the birth mother has decided to parent.  Such a blessing for the birth mother but so much heartache for Amanda.  After much prayer, Amanda and her husband decided that, at this point, they would no longer pursue adoption.  Their family would be complete and she would begin the process of working through what it means for her to be at the end of her childbearing years.  Her blog post touched my heart.  I know where she's at- you've had your kids, your still young, you don't quite feel 'done' but because of circumstances you are done- There is a 12 year gap between Ryan and Ellie and for most of those years, my heart ached for another baby (or child).
I also realized, after reading through her post and then replying in the comment section, how, at least for me personally, it's ok to be done with your childbearing season.  After we adopted our Ellie, Matt and I both knew we were done and our family was complete.  When this happens, at least for us, and your still in the child bearing age, there is a sense of panic at the thought of getting pregnant... Yes, I know if that happens (or if the Lord calls us to adopt again), it would be a HUGE blessing....BUT....... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH  :) :)

The Lord will use whatever season we are in, whether it's longing for a child, or whether like me, its the season of being content with the amount of children you have.  He will walk us through our circumstances and grow us in Him.

Below is an excerpt from the blog post Amanda posted and my reply in her comment section.

"I've been thinking a lot about how eager and willing we are to mentor younger women in their new seasons of life. Entering college, adapting to a career, being a newlywed, stepping into new ministry roles, or becoming a mom are exciting times......One thing I hardly ever hear other women talk about is the end of the season of childbearing. I don't mean menopause because I know for a fact that women like to talk about that.....I'm just not sure there's a lot of mentoring in the ending of childbearing. Why do you think that is?  Is it because no one hires a photographer to send out "We're done reproducing!" announcements and no Pinterest boards with great ideas for "We're moving on!" reveal parties? Is it because this isn't very exciting and therefore it's unseen? Maybe it's just too private a matter. (But let's be honest. We get down to the nitty gritty about childbirth. Do we care that much about privacy?).... When every mom faces the end of the baby years at some point, it seems strange that it isn't talked about more.......I don't know about you, but I need to hear these stories. I need to know what it looks like to move on gracefully even though there is heartache. It would be really powerful to know the stories of the older women in my village. I need to take the time to ask them these kinds of questions: Why did it end for you? Was it your decision or was it because of circumstances out of your control? Did you and your husband agree on when it was time to be done? If not, how did you come to peace? Five years later, did you have regrets? Do you have regrets now? Did it end on a high note or  with trauma? Is it even possible for this season to end on a high note? Is this painful for everyone?....."

I thought about Amanda's blog post for a bit and responded in her comment section why I shy away from conversations that include the season of child bearing closing....

At my core, I shy away from conversations that include the season of child bearing closing for the fearful fact of 'Oh my goodness WHAT IF God were to call our family to have more children' What if, by acknowledging the season is over it somehow perks up God's ears and Her remembers that He still wants us to have more- Yes, I know that He would give us the strength BUT as much as I have enjoyed raising our 19 year old right into young adulthood and raising our 16 year old....and holding her own right behind her older brothers is our precious 4 year old (whom we adopted)...As much as I have enjoyed each and everyday of child raising (and will continue to enjoy it)- I feel tired out and all done having babies (or adopting babies). I know I can't boss God around (I've tried and it doesn't work...smile) so instead I slink down in my seat when such conversations come up and pray that either I will go through early menopause or become too old to adopt in every county throughout the whole world because then I know that the season is over- that the possibility of God calling us to more children is over (although I think of Sarah and Abraham...they were 'as old as dead' when Isaac was born)
That being said, during the 12 year gap between my then youngest and the adoption of our daughter I went through a deep grieving time that by the age of 41 we would be empty nesters. I remember the first day of dropping my (then) youngest off for a full day of school and driving away feeling incredibly lost....like the roles I had embraced for so many years were changing and I did not know how to let go politely. Along with this changing season was the deep desire I had to adopt- It was not until 6 years after dropping my youngest off at school that the Lord brought our adoption full circle- In those 6 years the Lord taught me some incredible lessons about solely depending on Him...to hold each season of child raising close to my heart but not to clench it in my fists...that my identity is first in Him and His desires for my life, then in my role as a wife, and then in my role as a mother...so many other lessons that I learned when my kids went to school and God and I had many hours of quiet time during the day...'

Mama's....May God Bless and keep you, whatever your season!

Happy Saturday

p.s. To read Amanda's full post, click here

Christmas 2011

pictures...pictures...and more pictures :)

some favorites from the last couple of months....

finding it's rightful place

    Thank the Lord! Praise His name!

Tell the nations what He has done.
Let them know how mighty He is!
Isaiah 12:4

In July of 2012 I wrote the following  in a blog post (click here to read the post):

'I just had to send you a quick e-mail and tell you how sad but healthy our conversation was today- healthy cause it seems our relationship has found its 'rightful' place but sad because deep in my heart I always thought it's rightful place was going to look so different than what it's turned out to be.......'

To which she replied

'I feel the same way...bittersweet..........thanks for telling me......' 

The post was in reference to the relationship between my sister in law Heidy and I- the 18 year long road we had traveled.  To date, it is the hardest blog post I've ever written... In my mind, speaking out (by way of blogging) and acknowledging that our relationship had found it's 'rightful' place, which looked so very different than what either one of us would have chosen, meant we were at the end of our road and this grieved my heart.  We would remain family but not pursue friendship- a friendship I had so hoped would be.

'Thank the Lord! Praise His name!' Isaiah 12:4 begins

Today is Thanksgiving and I am so thankful for the Lord.  I am thankful for the plan He has for each one of our lives.  I am thankful that when we give up or see no hope, He is still at work...He is still there...He is still lovingly and tenderly navigating us through this sometimes confusing life we all live.  He is our hope

'Tell the nations what He has done.  Let them know how mighty He is!' 

It was 2010 when Heidy and I made the decision to remain family (see each other at family functions but not get together beyond that) but not pursue friendship.  Almost 4 years went by and both of us kept up our end of the bargain.

But God, our mighty and victorious God, our God who I am so thankful for, saw a different ending for Heidy and I.  He saw beyond the, by this time, almost 21 years of struggle we had between us.  Last year, we started careful tread into each others lives again- a little here and a little there...it helps that our kids, cousins, adore each other.  The biggest help though was that we knew it was only by God's grace and goodness we were to the place that we were and both of us were so thankful for His presence in our relationship.  We also began to realize that, with God's guidance, we would be able to navigate through our strong opinions and different view points.

Our families are spending Thanksgiving together this year.  Just us, together for 4 days....for us and where we have been, this is only possible because of God.

Thank you Lord Jesus for Heidy, for your placement of her as my sister in law.  Thank you for the love she has for you and the love she has for others.  Thank you that we are able to spend Thanksgiving together, a testimony of you mighty and healing hand in our lives.  I love you Dear Lord.

We no longer squabble over whose doctrine is better or whose 'schooling' style is more Godly

or whose turn it is the call the other person or who forgot whose birthday

We are simply grateful to God for the lessons learned-  and for a relationship that has found it's rightful place

Please meet my sister in law, Heidy and her husband, Wayne.....

I just had to put the picture above first- This is she and my bro in law going to a redneck party where you had to dress AWFUL!

:) :) :)

Ok, in all seriousness, please meet my beautiful sis in law, Heidy!
Happy Birthday Heid- love you lots!!

sorting

Our family leaves for Germany in 58 days.
It's a lot to take in...
the details
the reality
the Lyme Disease Ry is battling
the unknown
the 'what if's'

I had hoped to blog a bit more about all that is going on- all the logistics and blessings along the way.
To be able to sit down and let the words just naturally pour from my heart into each post and hit 'publish' without a second thought.
But just like so many things in life, it's not working that way....
To be honest, I am still learning how to talk about Ryan's Lyme without getting a pit in my stomach and fighting off tears.   The words in my heart are swirling around- faith and fear are colliding.
God's in control, I know that, but this mama's heart ache's for her baby.  There is hope, yes.  God has a perfect plan for Ryan's life....
But in His perfection, sometimes we find ourselves sorting through the pain of what He allows.

My goal is to take you all on our trip with us.  My goal is also to get to the point where talking, writing, blogging about Lyme can be done with compartmentalized emotions...where you get the facts and details about what is going on without the extra baggage of a mama who would rather her baby was not going through even one day of having Lyme.
I'm just not there yet
It's coming
God's faithful to work it all out
in His timing and in His way

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.' Rom 8:28

Today, as you close this blog post, would you take a minute and pray for a few folks who also have Lyme.  Folks that have had their world and health turned upside down, much like us, and who are seeking out the right treatment for them.

Please pray for Kris, Katie, Jonny, Rachel, Molly, Pam
And please keep praying for our Ry

Would you also please pray for the continued health of two precious girls who have already completed their treatment in Germany and are doing great: Olivia and Adrianna

Thank you


p.s. I would encourage you to hit play on the song below- sit back in your chair- close your eyes
and just listen...not just with your ears but with your heart.
we all have a mountain in front of us, a situation that is out of our control.  Yours may not be a sick child, it may be something different...I pray that this song comforts you as it has me.

'Let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name'

we'd do it all over again

Matt and I were sitting across the table from each other a few nights back. my camera sitting on the table between us.  He grabbed it and took a picture of me, telling me to smile 'normal' the whole time he was taking it...I, in turn, grabbed the camera when he set it down and took a picture of him.

When we were done and the camera sitting back between us again, I pulled up the picture Matt had taken of me, showed him and said. 'what would you have said if someone would have shown you this picture 25 years ago and said that this was your future wife?'

'I'd say you are HOT and I would get married to you all over again'

21 years, 3 months, 17 days later my man still say's he would do it all over again
Thank you Jesus cause marriage isn't a cake walk
it has good days
it has mediocre days
and then it has incredibly hard days
sometimes hard years

He flipped the camera around and scrolled through until he found the picture I had taken of him.  He showed me and asked what I would have thought, 25 years ago, if someone told me this was my future husband.

'Babe, I've loved you since I was 16 years old....you drive me crazy some days.  We feel totally misfit for each other some days. But I love you....I'll love you always....I just will.  Oh, and I would get married all over again to you too  :)'

We changed the subject after that and I didn't think anymore about the conversation until this afternoon- I was looking through my pictures and came across the 2 pictures Matt and I took of each other.

I love my Matt