when God does not play fair (part 1)

Three times in my life I have felt the presence of Jesus so strong, so present, so consuming, there was no denying His all but physical presence in the room.  The first was when I flew on an airplane after overcoming a 10 year long battle with anxiety attacks (flying was an all-consuming fear).  The second was during Ellie's birth and the several days following.  The third was 3 Friday nights ago.

I had been out doing yard work, leaving my phone inside because I knew I would not be able to hear it over the sound of the mower.  When I came in, it was just before 6:00 p.m.  I noticed that my friend, Kristi, had left me a message almost an hour and a half earlier.  She wasn't panicked, but there was a tone in her voice that made my heart start pounding.... “There's been a car accident...I'll update you when I know more.”  She explained quickly that her son, Nick, had gone hunting earlier that morning just outside of a town about an hour and a half away.  He had gone with our mutual friend's (Treva) husband Jeff, and Treva and Jeff's boys, Zach and Arie.  They had been on their way home when the accident happened.  Kristi knew that Nick, Zach, and Arie had sustained non-life-threatening injuries and were being transported to the hospital.  She did not know how Jeff was other than he had sustained more substantial injuries than the others.  Kristi ended her 4:30 p.m. message with “please pray.”
In the hour and a half between when Kristi left the message and when I listened to it, she and her husband, Lenny, had traveled the hour and a half to the hospital where the three boys had been taken.  Our friend, Treva, had been notified about the accident and had also just arrived at the hospital.  During their drive over to the hospital, it was unclear which hospital Jeff had been taken to.  It was known that a medical helicopter had arrived at the scene making the hospital search a bit larger than just local, but his name was not recognized by hospital staff even as far as five hours away.  As Treva walked into the hospital, she would learn that the Lord was entrusting her with one of the biggest responsibilities given this side of heaven - a responsibility that defies all human logic and reason.  A responsibility that would include a great deal of heartache, a great deal of courage, but most of all a great deal of faith.
Nick, Arie, and Zach were discharged from the hospital several hours after arriving with staples on a head wound, a broken heel, a broken finger, and a moderate amount of cuts and scrapes....all of which would heal up relatively quickly.  They were also discharged with, again, one of the biggest responsibilities given this side of heaven- a responsibility that defies all human logic and reason.  A responsibility God entrusted them to walk with throughout their life that would require much endurance in their faith.  
Even though Kristi said she would update me when she knew more, I couldn't help but call her right back after receiving her message.  When we hung up, I immediately walked out our front door, where Matt and Eli were sitting talking, and told them about Kristi's call.  The three of us gathered into a small huddle, and, through tears, prayed for the situation.  I could also feel God pressing on my heart that we needed to go be with Kristi's and Treva's families.  

At 3:55 p.m., March 10, 2017, as the car went off the road, Jeff went home to be with our Lord and Savior.  He was given the ultimate earthly victory....he was ushered into Heaven.  

Matt, Eli, and I arrived around 9:30 p.m.  After the boys had been discharged from the hospital, everyone had gathered at the house of one of Jeff's best friend's, who lives in the same town as the hospital.  When I walked into the house, the presence of Jesus was so real you could feel it with each breath you took.  You have an enormous amount of grief and then an enormous amount of Jesus.  I'm not talking about an enormous amount of 'talking' about Jesus.  I'm talking about an enormous amount of the presence of Jesus.  The combination is heartbreakingly soothing.  A peace that passes all understanding alongside an anguish that is indescribable. One part of you wants to fall to your knees and worship while absorbing His very real presence, while the human side of you wants to shake a fist in anger and shout 'WHY, LORD...WHY!'

How could a 'loving' God allow 2 precious boys (Arie is 15 and Zach is 12) to witness the heavenly homecoming of their father in such a tragic way?
How could a 'loving' God allow that last precious boy in the car (Nick is 17) to be involved in something so horrific?
How could a 'loving' God take the life of a man who was productive in society, a good father and husband, an elder at church, an active youth group leader?
It's these situations that make the non-Christian shake their head and feel sorry for us brain washed souls who believe in such nonsense as God.
It's also these situations that make some of us Christians get the faith speed wobbles.  We get bitter and angry and full of self-pity thinking, “I've served you well, Lord, and you repay me with this?!”  We can allow our hearts to become passive aggressive towards the Lord.  Still smiling and proclaiming His name outwardly through our pain while our hearts inwardly curse Him.  Holding him at arm’s length in an effort to punish Him for not playing what we deem is fair.


So, what do we do then when we feel like God's not playing fair?  Where do we turn and how do we slow our hearts down enough to turn the speed wobbles into a faith victory and not a crash and burn....

To read part 2 click HERE

From Treva's Instagram

For those of you who have not already, I would like you to meet Treva and her family.  A local Christian Radio/TV station put this video together.  

the ugly wife

The argument had escalated and my anger was high.  I could feel the Holy Spirit pressing on my heart to have a soft answer. 'A soft answer turns away wrath', 'a fool gives full vent to their anger', the Bible verses could go on.  In arguments moment, I didn't want to be Godly, I wanted to win the fight, wanted to prove my point, wanted to hurt as bad as I felt hurt for justifications sake.  Ultimately, I was trusting myself and my self focused feelings at the cost of squelching the Holy Spirit's still small voice inside.
Nobody won our argument.  Matt headed out to work and I headed to our bedroom, where, I laid on our bed and sobbed.  It wasn't the argument that brought the tears but instead, a deep shame.  The shame of knowing that I had failed, once again, to have a soft answer.  I had failed to follow God's leading and failed at walking in His ways.  It wasn't the first time but a culmination of over 24 years of times.
As my hands were over my eyes, trying to cover the stream of tears running out of them, the shame kept growing.  Somehow, I felt like if I covered my face, God would not see my shame.  I felt like an ugly wife, an ugly person, and most of all, an ugly Christian.  It was a glimpse of what Adam and Eve must have felt like when they were in the Garden of Eden, trying to hide from God, because of the sin they had committed.
He see's everything we do, He hears everything we say (both the things that we think and speak), and He goes everyplace we go.  He's always present.  It say's in Psalm 139 that there is nowhere we can go that God's not.

It wasn't audible but it was so strongly pressed on my heart.  The part of my heart where shame was consuming.  The part of my heart where I was telling myself that God's love was somehow conditional and grew or lessened depending on how I was acting...

I'm not loved by God because of how I act or the titles I hold (wife, mom, daughter, etc.).  I'm not loved by God only when I'm being a Godly wife, I'm not loved by Him only when I'm being an obedient Christian.  He loves me with an everlasting love, unconditionally, and all of the time.  God's love is trustworthy and dependable.

God's love is not based on my performance. Yes, there are consequences to sin.  Sin grieves God.  It breaks His heart and separates us from the peace, comfort, and strength He gives when we follow His ways. BUT it does not stop the love He has for us.
I think, sometimes as Christians, it's easy for us to limit the amount of love we allow ourselves to accept from God, 'I'll only let myself accept God's love when I feel like I deserve it, or when I feel like I've worked hard enough for it, or cleaned up my act enough for it.'
I'm learning, when I limit God's love, I then limit the love I am able to give out.  When I try to nurse my own hurting heart, I get overwhelmed and angry- especially at the one who I feel hurt by and end up wanting revenge.  None of which are Godly.
I'm learning, when I allow God to meet me where I'm at, even if it's after I have blown it, His tender mercies and unconditional love are there to sooth and gently press on my heart the way to repentance.  In doing this, allowing the Lord to love me even in my failures, I am opening the door to authentic repentance before Him.  Through this repentance and restoration, I am then allowing the love He has shown me to flow through into the people I am surrounded by, especially my husband.

'We love because He first loved us.'

Here's what I'm thinking

Ok, so, here's what I'm thinking....
4 random thoughts that have absolutely no connection to each other
This post has no other point than brain download.
Here we go....
Boom
sha-zam
wah-lah

1. I invited Matt on a date tonight.  Texted him from work this afternoon and said, 'Wanna go out on a date?  let's go out to dinner- I'm starving' to which he said 'yes'.  We went to Shari's restaurant where he ordered chicken alfredo with small slimy looking mushrooms that were sticking to the side of the bowl.  I went with a Tillamook cheese burger substituting the fries for a garden salad.  We finished it off with their molten chocolate cake, ice cream, and fudge sauce. It was pretty good!  Here's a side note to the wife's reading this post....grab your phone (even if your husband is sitting by you) and send your husband a text asking him out on a date.  Here's a side note to all the husbands reading this post....reply with a 'yes' :)
2. We flew Alaska Airlines to and home from Hawaii.  We were supposed to fly United there and Alaska home.  United cancelled their flights on the morning we were leaving (due to weather) so they transferred us to Alaska who was still flying out of our hometown.  You expect a small plane from our hometown for the hour long flight to a bigger city.  It was a surprise to board a small older plane for the flight from the mainland to Hawaii.  It was 3 seats on one side and 3 seats on the other side with no business class and a very small first class.  Our plane was sitting next to a Hawaiian Airlines plane and looked so small.  Given the choice, I prefer to fly on the bigger planes.  It felt like we were driving on a gravel road the entire flight.  Note to self, check out the plane size before booking our flights.  Another note to self, Hawaiian Airlines is still my favorite airline to fly to Hawaii on.  One more note to self, don't only wear your socks to the airline toilet.  The ground is wet all around the toilet and so gross when you step on the wet floor knowing it's got to be a culmination of many people's pee.  I prayed against all the illness you can get from others pee and then walked back to my seat.  If I suddenly come down sick, it's the 'everybodys' pee
3. We had free checked bags because we are Alaska credit card holders.  I packed an entire suitcase with food for our vacation.  50 pounds of marinades, condiments, coffee, etc.- the things I learned while living on Kauai were way more expensive compared to mainland prices.  We used most all of it.  Not wanting to bring home an empty suitcase, I was careful to frequent Goodwill and Savers on Maui...I filled the entire bag up with clothes for the trip home!  Talk about a win/win!!  A side note about food- If your going to Maui and get a sweet craving, go buy a pie from Maui Pie (their pie is DELICIOUS)!! 
4. Here's a list of new things I have been trying over the past several months: Rodan and Fields skin care (a dear friend told me about it).  It really does make a difference in how your skin looks and feels.  Liposomal Vit. C- I take a consistent 8 grams a day (research the health benefits- another totally worth it purchase).  Testosterone Cream- I had no idea how much importance it was to your hormone health until seeing a hormone specialist at the beginning of the month.  

Happy Thursday night to you all!!

January 15

A year ago today, January 15, 2016, our family (minus Eli but with Ry's friend Isaiah) left our hometown in Oregon to fly to Germany so that Ryan could go through treatment for Lyme Disease.
This year, on the 1 year anniversary of our Germany adventure, our whole family is in Maui.
Ryan was able to fly over to Kauai for a few days to see Isaiah- His trip to Kauai happened to fall over this weekend.
It struck me, when I received a text with a picture message from Ryan today (Jan. 15,2017), that he and Isaiah were together on the same day last year.....
It wouldn't have been significant if they shared a hometown.  Isaiah and Ryan met their 5th grade year at Wilcox Elementary in Lihue, Hawaii (on Kauai).  After we moved back to Oregon, the boys stayed in touch and have seen each other several times.
7400 miles away from where they both were last year, together in Schwabisch Hall, Germany, they sat on a beach in Poipu Kauai and spent the day together.

Jan. 15, 2016

Jan. 15, 2017

hardly comfortable and rarely enamoring

There are certain seasons, sometimes defined by years, sometimes defined by circumstances, and sometimes will define the rest of your earthly life, that will etch into the very person you are called to be.  Seasons that the Lord allows His accounting to be so detailed, so distinct, so defined, even those who don't call Him theirs turn their heads to glimpse as He works.  I'm finding that these seasons He calls us to are hardly comfortable and rarely enamoring- It's mostly us, His own, being placed in less than ideal circumstances, so we can reach those who may never else have a chance to see.  Maybe you find yourself laying in the hospital bed, or with a scary diagnosis, maybe it is the chronic illness, infertility, a life changing disability, possibly even watching your child suffer.  If we could only glimpse, and see these moments through eternity's perspective, what would our attitude be.  That pain, the grief, your sorrow, my heartache, her joy, their loss- all of it, it all matters to Him.  He is defining and etching His glory through us with His nail scarred hands for perfections sake.  His perfect will working out His perfect plan in our less than perfect lives to create eternal masterpieces.  If I knew that my heartache was really just He asking me to walk forward in faith....walk forward in trust....with the divine understanding that every person you brush up against in your defining difficult season is there orchestrated by a loving Heavenly Father for a greater purpose.

What if it was said that the Lord asked her to walk through wrenching heartache and endure most difficult times.

What if it was said that the Lord asked him to know unbearable physical pain and understand grievous loss.

But what if it was added that through it all, neither she nor he lost sight of God's promises.  Never lost sight of a loving Heavenly Father entrusting them with such a priceless season- a season of reaching those around you through your own pain.  What if they walked as believers who knew they had a Heavenly purpose and a Heavenly home.

'Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart...'

John 16:33

beauty products, bathing suits, and praying

Bullet point randoms :)
how's 7 of them!!

• I'm almost a month into taking Liposomal Vitamin C (Thank you Kristen H. for the recommendation where to get it).  The word is that Liposomal C is transported directly into your bloodstream and then into your cells giving a more direct and powerful delivery.  I first learned about how effective Vitamin C is when Ryan went through Lyme Treatment in Germany (it was one of the things used in his treatment only in IV form not Liposomal).  Since then, I have followed blogs and heard personal stories of people who have treated various ailments with Liposomal Vit. C.  32 Grams (32,000mg) was tolerance when I first started and now I'm at 12 Grams per day and holding.  Your body will absorb as much as your cells need and then you will reach your tolerance.  There is no guessing when you've met the tolerance :)  I will say this....I've had a persistent cyst for almost 2 years- over the last year, it has become consistent (never letting up).  I've gone to the Dr. several times, just keeping tabs on it.  This past weekend, it completely went away.  Not sure if it is the Vit. C or just coincided with taking the C....whatever the case, I am going to stay on a decent dose of Liposomal Vit. C for 3 months and then drop down to a bit lower of a dose and stay on it.
• I got an Elchim hair dryer for Christmas from my mom (thank you mom).....noticed that it smooths down fly away hair and drys your hair quick and smooth, like you used a round brush.  It really is nice!!
• Ordered a bathing suit off of Rosegal.com- It is a strappy high waisted bikini for $14.44 with free shipping.  I wasn't expecting it to be as cute as it is (and it was such a great price!).  The bag it came is was directly from China so it took several weeks to arrive.  I will do more ordering through them.  P.S. I ordered the bathing suit a size up because reviews on the site kept saying that their clothing ran small.  The size up fits perfectly.
• Ordered Ellie a bathing suit from Janie and Jack.  It came in, I tried it on her, and then promptly ordered her another one (in a different print) so that she could have 2....they are that cute!  It also helped that the second suit was on clearance for $11.99.  We won't talk about the price of the first suit. 
• Have you smelled Desert Essence 'Coconut' Lotion??  I was checking out at Natural Grocers and had another lotion- the checker told me her favorite was the coconut... so glad I bought it.  My favorite is to still use Avocado oil but the coconut lotion is a close second.
• I was at TJ Maxx, browsing in the beauty product clearance, and came across Sans Ceuticals Balancing Hair Hydratant.  It was on clearance for $5.50.  It had an expensive look and smell so I did a quick google to find out that it retails for $33. plus $7.95 S&H.  I also saw that it had quite a few good reviews.  The directions say to put a 'cherry size dollop through your hair's mid-length and ends...leave for 30 seconds and then rinse.'  For anyone with hair that is dry, it works as a really good conditioner.  For a deep conditioner, I will follow it up with my normal conditioner. 
• Switching gears to a serious note....It's fun to talk about the 'fun' things in life, beauty products, clothes, lotions....but there are many of you who will read this post who are suffering.    Who went through this Christmas season watching a loved one suffer or maybe it is you who is suffering.  You all know how tender my heart is towards those who are going through a chronic illness (Lyme among the many out there). My heart ached over this holiday season as I know of  tough things going on in the lives of several people I know and care about.  The husband and father who is on hospice.  His family is Praising the Lord for the Heavenly Home he will go to but they will miss him so very much when he goes.  The mothers I know who went through this holiday season without one of their children- their precious kiddo's having gone on to heaven.  Also, a friend's husband who suffered a devastating car accident just before Christmas- He is recovering but it will be a long road.  For these families plus the many of you I have spoken with regarding your 'tough' situation- please know that I am praying.  Praying God's comfort and peace over your lives.  

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,  for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22

A random picture to go with this random post.....I took this picture of the Alps as we were driving out of Lichtenstein.  Clearly the picture does not do the Alps justice BUT when was the last time you could say you saw what the Alps looked like in Lichtenstein :) 

my mature marriage :)

To set the stage of this blog post, you've got to understand two things....

First, my claim to fame has never been having some sort of super maturity in marriage.  When it goes down that you get married as a teenager (18) it's only natural that you establish immature habits.  Oh, I'm not talking ungodly with no moral compass type of habits..  Nope, nothing like that.  It's more of a stooping to levels of couthlessness that could be, considered by some, as childish.

Second, Matt and I have been slightly on each others nerves for a couple of days.  I wanted him to go with Elle's and I to the movies and he was not in the mood to go.  Instead of being gracious and understanding, I was annoyed- this annoyance has simmered a few days now.  There was a part of me (remember I'm owning my immaturity) that wanted him to feel the same annoyance I was feeling.

The thought first dawned on me, when I opened the refrigerator and saw that my Matt had bought Eggnog, how gross he thinks it is when people drink right out of the carton (even when watching movies or TV, he has to turn his head away).  I could hear the self talk 'Don't do it, Steph!  This is so immature'!  BUT the thought of Matt's face when he received the below text message won over the self talk....
His response still makes me laugh...

If you end up reading this blog post Matthew Benjamin, I LOVE YOU and your witty responses!!