the audition for call the midwife!!

Ellie and I twinned this morning for church.

Look, let's be honest, the twinning days are going to end soon.  She's going to be 6 and headed to school- How cool is that when your mom drops you off and your dressed alike.
She's probably not even going to think it's cute when she looks back at pictures (more than likely she'll be horrified).
I get it
I really do
I thought the whole mom/daughter twinning was cheesy looking before Elle's joined our family-
Then she was here and it suddenly all made sense.....yes, dressing alike is adorable not cheesy (as least for me).

After church, I told Elle's that I wanted to get a picture of she and I twinning.  When we were done getting our picture, she asked if we could make a silly face for the last picture.  Ellie wanted us to grab our ears and stick out our tongues.  I hit the auto take on the camera and had the few seconds, before the picture snapped, to get back to the couch where Ellie was and get the cute face on.  I hit the button on my camera to start the timer and for some reason, turned around and grabbed my ears and partially shut my eyes as I ran (pre-prepping for our silly picture).  I don't know if it was the partially shut eyes or the excitement of a twinning picture- something in me decided to run with a fury. When I made it to the couch, I hit it with such force when I sat down, my body literally propelled forward.  The camera clicked.

The picture looks like a real life audition for a baby birth in the show 'Call the Midwife'....you know, those scenes on the show where you swear someone is really delivering a baby and it's not just reenacted for TV.  Seriously guys, I think I would have gotten a spot on an episode if they could have just seen this....
So gross!!!
But so funny!!
BAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!

Happy Sunday to you :) :) :)

won't back down

I wrote this blog post at the end of February 2016.  We were in Germany at the time while Ryan went through treatment for Lyme Disease.  I didn't publish it the night I wrote it because it felt too raw.  I knew we wouldn't back down from Lyme but I didn't feel strong enough emotionally, at the time, to acknowledge it for the world to read.  There is something that rises up, deep inside my heart, for those suffering with Lyme Disease.  An empathy, a sorrow for what they are enduring on a daily basis, a grief because of how debilitating the Disease is on every level.
I still can't back down from Lyme Disease.  My head wants to- I want to think about other things, leaving all things Lyme behind.  But my heart just won't- How do you discount the suffering someone else is enduring when you know you can help.  Even if the help is just an encouraging word, a prayer, a passing on of information about treatment that helped your own child.
If you have Lyme Disease, please know that my heart and many others heart is for you.  You have people that the Lord has risen up for you, on the outside of your disease, fighting for the answer to your healing.  People, that the Lord has placed a burden on their heart, to research and pour into answers that will help you.
For all of us, those with Lyme and those who have a heart to help those with Lyme, let's not back down.
_____________________________________________
February 2016

Ryan and I were driving back from Stuttgart (Germany), after dropping Debbie and Kristi off to head back to Oregon this past Saturday.  Ryan was playing the music off of his phone through the car's speakers.
'I won't back down' by Jonny Cash came on
I've only heard (or at least paid attention to) Jonny Cash's songs on the movie about his life, Walk the Line, so I wasn't super familiar with the song playing.
After listening to it all the way through I said.....'That's going to be our official Lyme song'

We're not backing down Ry

pat answer christianity

Sometimes, the hardest thing about writing a blog post is the first sentence.  For me, it needs to be just right and then the rest of the post flows.  When I can't get that first sentence pegged, I tell myself that I'm not ready to write the post.  It's just not there yet.  It's still mulling in my brain, the Lord still working it out.  I've been mulling over this blog post for quite some time.  Not knowing how to start it, until today....

I'm tired of pat answer Christianity.

I'm not tired of Christianity, in fact, I love being a Christ following Christian.
But, I'm tired of pat answer Christianity.
Christian slogans thrown around as a blanket covering to sound spiritual.

I don't mean a straight out of the Bible answer that is applicable to the situation at hand, spoken from a heart of genuine care.  Responses that might hurt to hear but come from the empathy and concern of a fellow Christian.  Responses that are God's truth and wisdom, relayed through the human voice, covered in a love that only Christ can instill in us.
I'm talking about answers, in response to a hurt or difficulty, that lack any sort of love.  Answers that may be the 'right' thing to say at the time but delivered from a wrong heart.  Answers filled instead with a coating so think of spirituality your head is left spinning, instead of comforted.  Your better off keeping silent, holding your tongue, asking the Lord to fill your heart with His love and insight for the situation before even a word is spoken.  These types of answers show nothing of Christ.

Sometimes, I think we have to be careful about the spiritual head knowledge we obtain.  We become so learned, so good at consuming Biblical insight, so puffed up with the pride of doctrine, we forget about our heart.  Heart knowledge is a humble learning, a learning gained not for competition or significance sake, but for the sake of loving others better.  For the sake of loving Christ more.  Heart knowledge produces a servants response, pouring out into a situation in whatever way is needed.  Head knowledge usually stays hands off, speaking the right words without a servants heart follow-up.    Head knowledge is usually the one that stands back, observing the situation, having the most judgements about it.  Judgements bore out of the inability to let their own heart be vulnerable before Christ and a pride that says 'I'm better than the person suffering'.

I'm tired of my own pat answers.
Challenged by my own responses to difficult situations.
Praying for the wisdom to have Godly words overflowing with truth and love, compassion and empathy, discernment and understanding.   Praying that even when I am tired, all done, want to have my own brain space, I still turn to the Lord for the strength to have my responses as He would have them.  Praying against communicating with my own empty words that 'sound spiritual', resorting to treating Christianity as a job to be accomplished instead of a relationship to be nurtured.

There is no pat answer to hard times.  Each one comes with it's own set of understandings and learnings for all of us.

There is however a pat answer solution.
It will always be Jesus
Nothing more and nothing less
The key is communicating that pat answer solution without a pat answer Christianity.

Challenging for sure!
Happy Thursday to you all.

when God does not play fair (part 2)

To read part one of this post, please click HERE

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,  neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

Isaiah 55: 8

Over Christmas, I went to a women's event at my mom's church (the church I grew up in). The pastor's wife focused on 'thinking higher'.  Don't let our focus become on the here and now, letting circumstances determine our thoughts, but instead focus on who God is and how He is showing himself in our situation.  Higher thoughts with a Higher focus.

It's innate in all of us - the thought process that if we do good, we should expect good in return. Human logic tells us that somehow our actions will ultimately determine the outcome of our situation.  When this sort of cause and effect is going on, our brains can operate in a faithless numb.  We can psychoanalyze any situation that is working under this Karma type of belief and feel like we ultimately control what goes on in our life.  We strive harder, eat better, learn more, and we give back.  We do and do and do with the expectation of a good return, that nothing bad will happen to us or those we love if we have this kind of right living.  Earthly thoughts with an earthly focus.  

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55: 9

I battled an intense anger towards God when Ryan was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.  As I talked to more and more people trying to learn about what Lyme Disease was, the suffering of what others were going through about swallowed me up.  In my mind, God wasn't playing fair.  You don't let a person suffer if you have the power to reach down and heal them.  

On the day of Ryan's diagnosis, we had family friends in Hawaii who said goodbye to their sister, Malina.  A 25 year old young wife and mother who lost a six month long battle with cancer.  As she went home to heaven, her three year old daughter was left without a mommy.  Her husband was given the job of single parent and widower all in the same moment.  Wouldn't it have been so much better for everyone if she had been healed, or better yet, never had to battle cancer to begin with.  In my thinking, it would also have been better of the Lord to heal Ryan of Lyme Disease right then and there, miraculously, even as the doctor was giving her diagnosis.  Again, earthly thoughts with an earthly focus.

It must be so strange for those who do not call Jesus their Lord and Savior to hear us Christians talk about God.  To listen to our Christian chatter and hear us claim that there is a God who loves us unconditionally.  A God that cares about us so intensely that He sent His son to die on the cross so that we could spend eternity in Heaven.  To be honest, over the past 3 years I have, at times, listened to myself talk and question the very core beliefs I've stood so solidly on.  How can a God who claims so much love for us allow us to suffer so greatly?  If what He allows isn't a lot of times fair or seemingly just, am I being dysfunctional and naive to believe in Him and claim his name for all of you to read?  

If God's thoughts and ways are not like mine, is this a good thing or a bad thing?  If His thoughts and actions can't be followed by human logic, what does this mean for us?  How can we think and focus on something Higher? 

15 year old, Arie, was driving the vehicle when the accident happened.  Jeff was sitting in the passenger seat with Nick right behind him and Zach behind Arie.  They were in an SUV traveling on a two lane highway.  When the vehicle rolled, Jeff and Nick's side of the vehicle took the brunt force.  Instinctively, Nick reached up and grabbed his head with both of his hands.  Miraculously, his head was spared major trauma with just the middle of head receiving 10 staples and his finger requiring surgery.  Instinctively, as a daddy, instead of protecting himself Jeff threw his arms out towards Arie, protecting him as the accident happened. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Before Malina was born, before Jeff was born, before you were born, and before I was born, the Lord knew and called to existence our earthly birth and our earthly death.  Our circumstances are not what ultimately take our life, argue it as we may.  The Lord's infinite calling on our birth and death, by His sovereignty, is the deciding factor (this is not an excuse to live foolishly or to negate taking responsibility for your action- if you were drunk driving and killed a person, it was still under God's sovereignty that the person you killed died BUT both your personal conscience and the consequences you experience will be vastly different, justifiably so, than that of what  we are talking about). 

Arie was entrusted with a huge responsibility.  He will get to choose, on a daily basis, the exceptional opportunity he has to walk in the faith that there was nothing he could have changed that Friday that would have saved his dad.  The Lord allowed Arie to be driving, yes, but Arie was being responsible and trustworthy with the task he was given.  Arie was not responsible for Jeff going home to heaven, God was.  

Treva, Emilee, Arie, and Zach will also have the divine opportunity to step onto a platform of giving God glory as they walk through this season of loss and pain.  The platform draws the attention of many onlookers, many are curious about such intense suffering and if God can truly heal a heart after such difficult circumstance.  This platform will also draw the intense scrutiny of Satan.  Satan despises when God gets any sort of attention so will do his best to defeat this precious family into thinking that God is mean and distant- that He doesn't really care about them.  He will try to trick them into falling into despair because her husband and their daddy isn't with them.   

Nick has been given one of the most honorable rolls a Christian can play in our lifetime.  He gets to support and encourage his best friend, Arie, to look up when he's feeling down.  To trust when he's not feeling the 'feelings' of faith.  To keep going when he wants to quit.  God specifically chose to have Nick where he was when he was - it was no accident.

Like I said above, I was angry at God when Ryan became sick (and at seeing so many others who were sick and suffering) because God was not acting how I thought He should.  He had allowed something that seemed so unnecessary and cruel.  I put up barriers towards Him and tried to punish Him into submitting to my will - a world of no sorrow, loss, or pain.  In my narrow-minded vision, I stepped back from receiving his comfort and peace in exchange for my hurt and anger.  When the pain became too much for me to bear, I turned back to the Lord and He met me where I was at - with comfort, strength, and peace.  He was there all along, working out His perfect will, even while I questioned His plans.  The desire I had in my heart for a 'perfect world', pain free, was really just my longing for what He has for us in Heaven.  I tell you this so that you know this blog post is not spoken lightly or without merit but through a heart that has questioned God more over the last 3 years than in my entire lifetime.  

God promises us that He has good plans for us, no matter what our earthly circumstances look like.  His best, He saves for last, which is Heaven.  Heaven will be what we all long to happen here on earth, a place of no more tears and no more suffering.  Jeff and Malina lived well and died well.  Their work on earth was done and their eternal future was ready for them.  We can’t see how much they are prospering because our work on earth is not done yet.

So, what do we do then, when we feel like God is not playing fair?  We trust Him and remember that we are still called to live and to live well.  We have the great privilege of living with God’s truth and His presence.  To live with Higher thoughts and a Higher focus. To live with the hope that no matter how difficult our circumstances here on earth, as a Christian, we have the hope of heaven!

And all God’s children said, AMEN

P.S. Treva made this comment in regards to this post: "I would love to write a follow up post as well that says...."when He shows us a glimpse of His glory". I don't know how many times in the first three days after I found out jeff "didn't make it" (as the chaplain said)...that I thought this wasn't fair. Why would God let this happen? But truly, just like God put Moses in the rock to show him a glimpse of His glory....if He showed Moses all of His glory, He couldn't handle it. But this glimpse is what I've seen in the midst of deep suffering. My life wrecked and rolled over just like the car that day. My life is not like it was three weeks ago. It's completely different!! So yes, we rely on God when life gets hard. And yes, we trust Him to build our faith. But we also watch for Him to show us His glory!! There are a million things the Lord has done in three weeks. A glimpse is all I have seen....and I would not trade what I have witnessed for anything."

Jeff's back is to us and he is doing a dance- getting ready to walk right into His saviors arms where He got to hear
'Well done, good and faithful servant.'

when God does not play fair (part 1)

Three times in my life I have felt the presence of Jesus so strong, so present, so consuming, there was no denying His all but physical presence in the room.  The first was when I flew on an airplane after overcoming a 10 year long battle with anxiety attacks (flying was an all-consuming fear).  The second was during Ellie's birth and the several days following.  The third was 3 Friday nights ago.

I had been out doing yard work, leaving my phone inside because I knew I would not be able to hear it over the sound of the mower.  When I came in, it was just before 6:00 p.m.  I noticed that my friend, Kristi, had left me a message almost an hour and a half earlier.  She wasn't panicked, but there was a tone in her voice that made my heart start pounding.... “There's been a car accident...I'll update you when I know more.”  She explained quickly that her son, Nick, had gone hunting earlier that morning just outside of a town about an hour and a half away.  He had gone with our mutual friend's (Treva) husband Jeff, and Treva and Jeff's boys, Zach and Arie.  They had been on their way home when the accident happened.  Kristi knew that Nick, Zach, and Arie had sustained non-life-threatening injuries and were being transported to the hospital.  She did not know how Jeff was other than he had sustained more substantial injuries than the others.  Kristi ended her 4:30 p.m. message with “please pray.”
In the hour and a half between when Kristi left the message and when I listened to it, she and her husband, Lenny, had traveled the hour and a half to the hospital where the three boys had been taken.  Our friend, Treva, had been notified about the accident and had also just arrived at the hospital.  During their drive over to the hospital, it was unclear which hospital Jeff had been taken to.  It was known that a medical helicopter had arrived at the scene making the hospital search a bit larger than just local, but his name was not recognized by hospital staff even as far as five hours away.  As Treva walked into the hospital, she would learn that the Lord was entrusting her with one of the biggest responsibilities given this side of heaven - a responsibility that defies all human logic and reason.  A responsibility that would include a great deal of heartache, a great deal of courage, but most of all a great deal of faith.
Nick, Arie, and Zach were discharged from the hospital several hours after arriving with staples on a head wound, a broken heel, a broken finger, and a moderate amount of cuts and scrapes....all of which would heal up relatively quickly.  They were also discharged with, again, one of the biggest responsibilities given this side of heaven- a responsibility that defies all human logic and reason.  A responsibility God entrusted them to walk with throughout their life that would require much endurance in their faith.  
Even though Kristi said she would update me when she knew more, I couldn't help but call her right back after receiving her message.  When we hung up, I immediately walked out our front door, where Matt and Eli were sitting talking, and told them about Kristi's call.  The three of us gathered into a small huddle, and, through tears, prayed for the situation.  I could also feel God pressing on my heart that we needed to go be with Kristi's and Treva's families.  

At 3:55 p.m., March 10, 2017, as the car went off the road, Jeff went home to be with our Lord and Savior.  He was given the ultimate earthly victory....he was ushered into Heaven.  

Matt, Eli, and I arrived around 9:30 p.m.  After the boys had been discharged from the hospital, everyone had gathered at the house of one of Jeff's best friend's, who lives in the same town as the hospital.  When I walked into the house, the presence of Jesus was so real you could feel it with each breath you took.  You have an enormous amount of grief and then an enormous amount of Jesus.  I'm not talking about an enormous amount of 'talking' about Jesus.  I'm talking about an enormous amount of the presence of Jesus.  The combination is heartbreakingly soothing.  A peace that passes all understanding alongside an anguish that is indescribable. One part of you wants to fall to your knees and worship while absorbing His very real presence, while the human side of you wants to shake a fist in anger and shout 'WHY, LORD...WHY!'

How could a 'loving' God allow 2 precious boys (Arie is 15 and Zach is 12) to witness the heavenly homecoming of their father in such a tragic way?
How could a 'loving' God allow that last precious boy in the car (Nick is 17) to be involved in something so horrific?
How could a 'loving' God take the life of a man who was productive in society, a good father and husband, an elder at church, an active youth group leader?
It's these situations that make the non-Christian shake their head and feel sorry for us brain washed souls who believe in such nonsense as God.
It's also these situations that make some of us Christians get the faith speed wobbles.  We get bitter and angry and full of self-pity thinking, “I've served you well, Lord, and you repay me with this?!”  We can allow our hearts to become passive aggressive towards the Lord.  Still smiling and proclaiming His name outwardly through our pain while our hearts inwardly curse Him.  Holding him at arm’s length in an effort to punish Him for not playing what we deem is fair.


So, what do we do then when we feel like God's not playing fair?  Where do we turn and how do we slow our hearts down enough to turn the speed wobbles into a faith victory and not a crash and burn....

To read part 2 click HERE

From Treva's Instagram

For those of you who have not already, I would like you to meet Treva and her family.  A local Christian Radio/TV station put this video together.  

the ugly wife

The argument had escalated and my anger was high.  I could feel the Holy Spirit pressing on my heart to have a soft answer. 'A soft answer turns away wrath', 'a fool gives full vent to their anger', the Bible verses could go on.  In arguments moment, I didn't want to be Godly, I wanted to win the fight, wanted to prove my point, wanted to hurt as bad as I felt hurt for justifications sake.  Ultimately, I was trusting myself and my self focused feelings at the cost of squelching the Holy Spirit's still small voice inside.
Nobody won our argument.  Matt headed out to work and I headed to our bedroom, where, I laid on our bed and sobbed.  It wasn't the argument that brought the tears but instead, a deep shame.  The shame of knowing that I had failed, once again, to have a soft answer.  I had failed to follow God's leading and failed at walking in His ways.  It wasn't the first time but a culmination of over 24 years of times.
As my hands were over my eyes, trying to cover the stream of tears running out of them, the shame kept growing.  Somehow, I felt like if I covered my face, God would not see my shame.  I felt like an ugly wife, an ugly person, and most of all, an ugly Christian.  It was a glimpse of what Adam and Eve must have felt like when they were in the Garden of Eden, trying to hide from God, because of the sin they had committed.
He see's everything we do, He hears everything we say (both the things that we think and speak), and He goes everyplace we go.  He's always present.  It say's in Psalm 139 that there is nowhere we can go that God's not.

It wasn't audible but it was so strongly pressed on my heart.  The part of my heart where shame was consuming.  The part of my heart where I was telling myself that God's love was somehow conditional and grew or lessened depending on how I was acting...

I'm not loved by God because of how I act or the titles I hold (wife, mom, daughter, etc.).  I'm not loved by God only when I'm being a Godly wife, I'm not loved by Him only when I'm being an obedient Christian.  He loves me with an everlasting love, unconditionally, and all of the time.  God's love is trustworthy and dependable.

God's love is not based on my performance. Yes, there are consequences to sin.  Sin grieves God.  It breaks His heart and separates us from the peace, comfort, and strength He gives when we follow His ways. BUT it does not stop the love He has for us.
I think, sometimes as Christians, it's easy for us to limit the amount of love we allow ourselves to accept from God, 'I'll only let myself accept God's love when I feel like I deserve it, or when I feel like I've worked hard enough for it, or cleaned up my act enough for it.'
I'm learning, when I limit God's love, I then limit the love I am able to give out.  When I try to nurse my own hurting heart, I get overwhelmed and angry- especially at the one who I feel hurt by and end up wanting revenge.  None of which are Godly.
I'm learning, when I allow God to meet me where I'm at, even if it's after I have blown it, His tender mercies and unconditional love are there to sooth and gently press on my heart the way to repentance.  In doing this, allowing the Lord to love me even in my failures, I am opening the door to authentic repentance before Him.  Through this repentance and restoration, I am then allowing the love He has shown me to flow through into the people I am surrounded by, especially my husband.

'We love because He first loved us.'

Here's what I'm thinking

Ok, so, here's what I'm thinking....
4 random thoughts that have absolutely no connection to each other
This post has no other point than brain download.
Here we go....
Boom
sha-zam
wah-lah

1. I invited Matt on a date tonight.  Texted him from work this afternoon and said, 'Wanna go out on a date?  let's go out to dinner- I'm starving' to which he said 'yes'.  We went to Shari's restaurant where he ordered chicken alfredo with small slimy looking mushrooms that were sticking to the side of the bowl.  I went with a Tillamook cheese burger substituting the fries for a garden salad.  We finished it off with their molten chocolate cake, ice cream, and fudge sauce. It was pretty good!  Here's a side note to the wife's reading this post....grab your phone (even if your husband is sitting by you) and send your husband a text asking him out on a date.  Here's a side note to all the husbands reading this post....reply with a 'yes' :)
2. We flew Alaska Airlines to and home from Hawaii.  We were supposed to fly United there and Alaska home.  United cancelled their flights on the morning we were leaving (due to weather) so they transferred us to Alaska who was still flying out of our hometown.  You expect a small plane from our hometown for the hour long flight to a bigger city.  It was a surprise to board a small older plane for the flight from the mainland to Hawaii.  It was 3 seats on one side and 3 seats on the other side with no business class and a very small first class.  Our plane was sitting next to a Hawaiian Airlines plane and looked so small.  Given the choice, I prefer to fly on the bigger planes.  It felt like we were driving on a gravel road the entire flight.  Note to self, check out the plane size before booking our flights.  Another note to self, Hawaiian Airlines is still my favorite airline to fly to Hawaii on.  One more note to self, don't only wear your socks to the airline toilet.  The ground is wet all around the toilet and so gross when you step on the wet floor knowing it's got to be a culmination of many people's pee.  I prayed against all the illness you can get from others pee and then walked back to my seat.  If I suddenly come down sick, it's the 'everybodys' pee
3. We had free checked bags because we are Alaska credit card holders.  I packed an entire suitcase with food for our vacation.  50 pounds of marinades, condiments, coffee, etc.- the things I learned while living on Kauai were way more expensive compared to mainland prices.  We used most all of it.  Not wanting to bring home an empty suitcase, I was careful to frequent Goodwill and Savers on Maui...I filled the entire bag up with clothes for the trip home!  Talk about a win/win!!  A side note about food- If your going to Maui and get a sweet craving, go buy a pie from Maui Pie (their pie is DELICIOUS)!! 
4. Here's a list of new things I have been trying over the past several months: Rodan and Fields skin care (a dear friend told me about it).  It really does make a difference in how your skin looks and feels.  Liposomal Vit. C- I take a consistent 8 grams a day (research the health benefits- another totally worth it purchase).  Testosterone Cream- I had no idea how much importance it was to your hormone health until seeing a hormone specialist at the beginning of the month.  

Happy Thursday night to you all!!