well guys, that's a wrap...

I was telling my friend, Kristi, that I was trying to put a visual picture to what it feels like to celebrate my Ryan's 18th birthday today (and have him graduate from high school on Wednesday night).  I explained that it feels like Matt and I have been on stage with Ry for the past 18 years.  It started out with us playing a leading role in Ryan's life.  Then as the years went by we played less of a leading role and more of a support role (all the while still on stage).  When he turned 16 and got his license, things really began to shift.  Matt and I were still on the stage, but we played a quieter support role,  more behind the scenes of his life rather than leading.  Today, as 18 is here and with high school graduation following in a couple of days, Matt and I will get to graciously walk off of the stage and go sit in the audience.  The curtain will fall on his childhood and will re-open with his adult life.  When the curtain opens, We will get to watch our Ry live the life God has for him, not from the vantage point of us leading but from the vantage point of the audience.
Yes, still giving him our input and advise....when he asks for it, but, respecting that he is an adult and fully capable of making his own decisions.
Often, when the credits role for a movie, you will get to see the 'bloopers'.  The parts of the movie (or TV show) that were cut from scenes because they weren't done quite right.
As the 18 year long season of raising our Ry ends, and before the curtain falls and I walk off of the stage, I'm going to share with you a few behind the scene bloopers that we've experienced over the years :)

• Ryan was born at 5:25 p.m. on June 5, 1999.  He weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. and had low blood sugar right out of the gate.  In an effort to raise his blood sugar, the hospital gave him formula.  Something about that formula and Ryan's newborn system didn't get along.  It produced the rankest smelling farts you have ever smelled- full blown suffer and rotten egg stench.  He never would let one rip when a nurse or dr. was in the room and I know they didn't believe either Matt or I when we told them the smell was from Ryan.  We gave up trying to explain and accepted the misplaced blame!
• When Ry was a couple years old, I laid him down for a nap and told him he could not get out of his crib or he would get in trouble.  He was determined that he was not tired and did not want to take that nap.  After peeling off all of the wall paper he could reach by his crib, he then figured out that his crib was on wheels.  When I heard his little voice say 'mom!', I peeked down the hall and saw his head looking out the door of his room....from his crib, that he had somehow maneuvered down the wall (peeling the wall paper as he maneuvered it down the wall) of his room all the way to the door- He was proud of himself that he had obeyed and not gotten out of his crib and still made it to the door.  There was something about the way his head was looking out the door that made him look just like a turtle peeking out of his shell....I totally should have disciplined him but instead I laughed my head off.  I never did repair the wall paper!
• By 4 years old, Ry was full blown into spiderman.  I've never been one to buy my kids Theme type of shirts- no mickey mouse or toy story was going to be found on my kids clothes.  I stuck to trending name brand and left it at that.  Ryan BEGGED for the spiderman pajamas when he saw them.  The shirt was red and had netting under the arms so that when he lifted his arms it looked like a spiderweb.  It also had a picture of spiderman throwing his web on the front.  Against my better judgement, I let him wear it to church (maybe it had something to do with his incessant begging and Matt's question to me about whether I was being a little stringent in not letting him wear it).  As soon as we got out of the car at church, a couple stopped Ryan and told him how cute his shirt was.  I leaned down and told Ryan to tell them 'Thank You'- He turned to them, threw up his arms like he was clawing the air, exposed the spiderwebs under his arms, glared and them, and loudly hissed.  They didn't even laugh.  I told him if he did it again I would cut the webs out from under the arms of the shirt and his prized pajama shirt would be webless....he proudly walked off, holding up his arms so everyone could see his webs.
• As 4 made it's way to 5, Ry had developed quite the love for movies.  I am not one of those parents that watched everything before my children did- It was more like a quick glance at what the movie was about and that was it.  We had the movie 'My Summer Story' that Ryan would watch over and over.  I had never seen it but thought it great that it kept him entertained.  The same year he watched 'My Summer Story' over and over, my brother in law, sister in law, and my 3 nephews moved into town.  One day, Ryan was playing with my nephew, Josh, and he (Ry) knocked over a light and broke it.  They were up in our shop and I was in the house- Josh came down to the house and told me that when the light broke, Ryan had said the 'D' word.  I was a little baffled as to where he had heard it, and, after investigating a bit realized he must have heard it from 'My Summer Story'.  Ryan and I had the appropriate vs. inappropriate language talk and I thought we were all good.   Shortly after that, Ry was standing by my pops, Phil, as he was working outside, and asked Phil 'What the He** he was doing?'.  Pops was shocked and asked Ryan What he had just said...Ry repeated it. Over the course of several months, he went on to drop several more cuss words at all inopportune times (Ryan dropped another round of He** in front of my brother in law, he was driving and had to pull his car over he was laughing so hard).  Much to Ryan's dismay, My Summer Story was thrown out due to his lack of discerning skills in what is appropriate language and what is not.  He then took up saying Butt-ler...saying the 'Butt' part really loud and whispering ler- Matt and I let him get away with it.  Was that good parenting skills....I wouldn't change a thing :)
• 6 year old Ry was sharing ownership of a bird with Eli.  Dutch was a blue Cockatiel that was super friendly.  One day, he tried to fly off of Eli's arm and ended up on the ground right in front of Eli's foot.  Eli stepped on his back and broke it.  As Dutch was dying in my hands, Eli was crying and felt horrible.  Ryan was sitting on the steps by Eli, stared right at Dutch and then stared at Eli and said to Eli, under his breath, 'Cry-baby!'  It's so funny now but then, I was horrified at Ryan's lack of sensitivity!!
• My last one is a series of pictures- behind the scenes of everyone of them is Ry, making his brother CRACK UP because he is telling a joke or saying something just for the shock factor (to which Eli is never shocked but instead laughs).  From the time Ryan was old enough to talk, he has kept Eli laughing, more than I'd bet Eli even realizes.

And, to my Ry, I love you I love you I love you and Happy Birthday!!  If you look in the front row, in the audience of your life, you will see your dad and I, always present and always available.  He will be cheering you on in an orderly fashion with proper clapping and I will be fist pumping and shouting accolades- you'll hear this mama, I promise!

That's a wrap on this one, guys!  Matt and I are two down and one to go....We'll talk high school graduation again in 13 years.  Yay for the class of 2030, when our Ellie graduates!!

Ry, proudly showing off his new Pit Viper glasses (thanks to Danika), while having 'Happy Birthday' sang to him tonight- Lookin good, Ry, Lookin good!!

Picture compliments of the Mail Tribune- June 2017

Ry (far right) and his ODF crew- August 2017

it's been a privilege to raise you....

In 3 weeks time and within a 3 day time period our Ryan will turn 18 and graduate from high school.
His plan is to work at Oregon Department of Forestry on the wild land fire fighting crew for the summer and then begin the fire science program at our local community college in the fall.  He was accepted as a student intern for Fire District 3 (the link is a video of Ryan talking, through a power point presentation, during senior night at school) and when he graduates from college he would like to become a firefighter.

I'm not kidding when I say that it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with him.

This picture was taken on my due date with Ry

You take a breath and they start kindergarten.

You take another breath and your here.  Getting ready to sit in the grandstands as their name gets called so they can walk across the stage to collect their high school diploma.

Such a sobering moment as a parent, how fast the time goes that the Lord privileges us with to raise our children.  But, behind this moment, is a thankfulness for the person you were blessed to spend the last 18 years raising.  In many ways, our children raise us.  For Matt and I, our kids grew us up.  They taught us how to love unconditionally and sacrificially.  How to think of others before ourselves and how to listen and look for their heart when they talk to us.  Raising children, the good and difficult, the seasons of pain and triumph, the joys and the sorrows, all of it is an amazing gift from God. A gift both Matt and I are so very thankful was bestowed upon us.

You're going to do amazing Ryan Chase.  You were born with a determined spirit that knows where you are going and how you are getting there.  In your determination and drive, you have never forgotten to enjoy life and have fun.  You have taught me so much about pressing on when times are tough and not letting circumstances get the best of you.  You are compassionate and kind but know when to say no and when to have boundaries.  You have a heart that loves the Lord, but, not in a way that is unrealistic or legalistic.  You have a wisdom and discernment that is beyond your years and I admire that in you.  I hear you talking and am regularly amazed at the insight you have.

I pray you use your life to honor and serve God and that you allow Him to do mighty things through you.  I pray that the worries of this world rise up in you a strong faith and not a defeating fear.  I pray that you rest in contentment and acknowledge the Lords hand in every detail.  I pray that you will confidently dwell in the calling God has on your life and thrive.  That you will use every ounce of your strength to love the Lord and to love others.  That after you, the Godly legacy you live out will impact the generations to come.  Judge wisely your actions and live with integrity and character.  God has instilled it in you, son, He's called you before the beginning of time to be His and with that calling you have the Holy Spirit inside of you, guiding you in all you do.

What a life you are going to have, duck- what a life!

How do you even end a post like this.  A million memories are in my heart, there's so many things I want to say.  But, to be honest, it's all been said.  We are a family that doesn't hold back :)  And the rest, the million memories, like most mothers, we tuck them away in our heart- cherished and adored with an indescribable thankfulness.

It's been a great privilege to raise you, Ry.  You have brought dad and I an immense amount of joy and laughter and we are so proud of the man you have become.

Thank you so much.

I love you
lots and lots

Love,
Mom

Ry is in the pink helmet racing at the Enduro Max

and I got to watch him race....so exciting BUT so nerve wracking!!

June 5, 1999

October 24, 2020

the audition for call the midwife!!

Ellie and I twinned this morning for church.

Look, let's be honest, the twinning days are going to end soon.  She's going to be 6 and headed to school- How cool is that when your mom drops you off and your dressed alike.
She's probably not even going to think it's cute when she looks back at pictures (more than likely she'll be horrified).
I get it
I really do
I thought the whole mom/daughter twinning was cheesy looking before Elle's joined our family-
Then she was here and it suddenly all made sense.....yes, dressing alike is adorable not cheesy (as least for me).

After church, I told Elle's that I wanted to get a picture of she and I twinning.  When we were done getting our picture, she asked if we could make a silly face for the last picture.  Ellie wanted us to grab our ears and stick out our tongues.  I hit the auto take on the camera and had the few seconds, before the picture snapped, to get back to the couch where Ellie was and get the cute face on.  I hit the button on my camera to start the timer and for some reason, turned around and grabbed my ears and partially shut my eyes as I ran (pre-prepping for our silly picture).  I don't know if it was the partially shut eyes or the excitement of a twinning picture- something in me decided to run with a fury. When I made it to the couch, I hit it with such force when I sat down, my body literally propelled forward.  The camera clicked.

The picture looks like a real life audition for a baby birth in the show 'Call the Midwife'....you know, those scenes on the show where you swear someone is really delivering a baby and it's not just reenacted for TV.  Seriously guys, I think I would have gotten a spot on an episode if they could have just seen this....
So gross!!!
But so funny!!
BAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!

Happy Sunday to you :) :) :)

won't back down

I wrote this blog post at the end of February 2016.  We were in Germany at the time while Ryan went through treatment for Lyme Disease.  I didn't publish it the night I wrote it because it felt too raw.  I knew we wouldn't back down from Lyme but I didn't feel strong enough emotionally, at the time, to acknowledge it for the world to read.  There is something that rises up, deep inside my heart, for those suffering with Lyme Disease.  An empathy, a sorrow for what they are enduring on a daily basis, a grief because of how debilitating the Disease is on every level.
I still can't back down from Lyme Disease.  My head wants to- I want to think about other things, leaving all things Lyme behind.  But my heart just won't- How do you discount the suffering someone else is enduring when you know you can help.  Even if the help is just an encouraging word, a prayer, a passing on of information about treatment that helped your own child.
If you have Lyme Disease, please know that my heart and many others heart is for you.  You have people that the Lord has risen up for you, on the outside of your disease, fighting for the answer to your healing.  People, that the Lord has placed a burden on their heart, to research and pour into answers that will help you.
For all of us, those with Lyme and those who have a heart to help those with Lyme, let's not back down.
_____________________________________________
February 2016

Ryan and I were driving back from Stuttgart (Germany), after dropping Debbie and Kristi off to head back to Oregon this past Saturday.  Ryan was playing the music off of his phone through the car's speakers.
'I won't back down' by Jonny Cash came on
I've only heard (or at least paid attention to) Jonny Cash's songs on the movie about his life, Walk the Line, so I wasn't super familiar with the song playing.
After listening to it all the way through I said.....'That's going to be our official Lyme song'

We're not backing down Ry

pat answer christianity

Sometimes, the hardest thing about writing a blog post is the first sentence.  For me, it needs to be just right and then the rest of the post flows.  When I can't get that first sentence pegged, I tell myself that I'm not ready to write the post.  It's just not there yet.  It's still mulling in my brain, the Lord still working it out.  I've been mulling over this blog post for quite some time.  Not knowing how to start it, until today....

I'm tired of pat answer Christianity.

I'm not tired of Christianity, in fact, I love being a Christ following Christian.
But, I'm tired of pat answer Christianity.
Christian slogans thrown around as a blanket covering to sound spiritual.

I don't mean a straight out of the Bible answer that is applicable to the situation at hand, spoken from a heart of genuine care.  Responses that might hurt to hear but come from the empathy and concern of a fellow Christian.  Responses that are God's truth and wisdom, relayed through the human voice, covered in a love that only Christ can instill in us.
I'm talking about answers, in response to a hurt or difficulty, that lack any sort of love.  Answers that may be the 'right' thing to say at the time but delivered from a wrong heart.  Answers filled instead with a coating so think of spirituality your head is left spinning, instead of comforted.  Your better off keeping silent, holding your tongue, asking the Lord to fill your heart with His love and insight for the situation before even a word is spoken.  These types of answers show nothing of Christ.

Sometimes, I think we have to be careful about the spiritual head knowledge we obtain.  We become so learned, so good at consuming Biblical insight, so puffed up with the pride of doctrine, we forget about our heart.  Heart knowledge is a humble learning, a learning gained not for competition or significance sake, but for the sake of loving others better.  For the sake of loving Christ more.  Heart knowledge produces a servants response, pouring out into a situation in whatever way is needed.  Head knowledge usually stays hands off, speaking the right words without a servants heart follow-up.    Head knowledge is usually the one that stands back, observing the situation, having the most judgements about it.  Judgements bore out of the inability to let their own heart be vulnerable before Christ and a pride that says 'I'm better than the person suffering'.

I'm tired of my own pat answers.
Challenged by my own responses to difficult situations.
Praying for the wisdom to have Godly words overflowing with truth and love, compassion and empathy, discernment and understanding.   Praying that even when I am tired, all done, want to have my own brain space, I still turn to the Lord for the strength to have my responses as He would have them.  Praying against communicating with my own empty words that 'sound spiritual', resorting to treating Christianity as a job to be accomplished instead of a relationship to be nurtured.

There is no pat answer to hard times.  Each one comes with it's own set of understandings and learnings for all of us.

There is however a pat answer solution.
It will always be Jesus
Nothing more and nothing less
The key is communicating that pat answer solution without a pat answer Christianity.

Challenging for sure!
Happy Thursday to you all.

when God does not play fair (part 2)

To read part one of this post, please click HERE

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,  neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

Isaiah 55: 8

Over Christmas, I went to a women's event at my mom's church (the church I grew up in). The pastor's wife focused on 'thinking higher'.  Don't let our focus become on the here and now, letting circumstances determine our thoughts, but instead focus on who God is and how He is showing himself in our situation.  Higher thoughts with a Higher focus.

It's innate in all of us - the thought process that if we do good, we should expect good in return. Human logic tells us that somehow our actions will ultimately determine the outcome of our situation.  When this sort of cause and effect is going on, our brains can operate in a faithless numb.  We can psychoanalyze any situation that is working under this Karma type of belief and feel like we ultimately control what goes on in our life.  We strive harder, eat better, learn more, and we give back.  We do and do and do with the expectation of a good return, that nothing bad will happen to us or those we love if we have this kind of right living.  Earthly thoughts with an earthly focus.  

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55: 9

I battled an intense anger towards God when Ryan was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.  As I talked to more and more people trying to learn about what Lyme Disease was, the suffering of what others were going through about swallowed me up.  In my mind, God wasn't playing fair.  You don't let a person suffer if you have the power to reach down and heal them.  

On the day of Ryan's diagnosis, we had family friends in Hawaii who said goodbye to their sister, Malina.  A 25 year old young wife and mother who lost a six month long battle with cancer.  As she went home to heaven, her three year old daughter was left without a mommy.  Her husband was given the job of single parent and widower all in the same moment.  Wouldn't it have been so much better for everyone if she had been healed, or better yet, never had to battle cancer to begin with.  In my thinking, it would also have been better of the Lord to heal Ryan of Lyme Disease right then and there, miraculously, even as the doctor was giving her diagnosis.  Again, earthly thoughts with an earthly focus.

It must be so strange for those who do not call Jesus their Lord and Savior to hear us Christians talk about God.  To listen to our Christian chatter and hear us claim that there is a God who loves us unconditionally.  A God that cares about us so intensely that He sent His son to die on the cross so that we could spend eternity in Heaven.  To be honest, over the past 3 years I have, at times, listened to myself talk and question the very core beliefs I've stood so solidly on.  How can a God who claims so much love for us allow us to suffer so greatly?  If what He allows isn't a lot of times fair or seemingly just, am I being dysfunctional and naive to believe in Him and claim his name for all of you to read?  

If God's thoughts and ways are not like mine, is this a good thing or a bad thing?  If His thoughts and actions can't be followed by human logic, what does this mean for us?  How can we think and focus on something Higher? 

15 year old, Arie, was driving the vehicle when the accident happened.  Jeff was sitting in the passenger seat with Nick right behind him and Zach behind Arie.  They were in an SUV traveling on a two lane highway.  When the vehicle rolled, Jeff and Nick's side of the vehicle took the brunt force.  Instinctively, Nick reached up and grabbed his head with both of his hands.  Miraculously, his head was spared major trauma with just the middle of head receiving 10 staples and his finger requiring surgery.  Instinctively, as a daddy, instead of protecting himself Jeff threw his arms out towards Arie, protecting him as the accident happened. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Before Malina was born, before Jeff was born, before you were born, and before I was born, the Lord knew and called to existence our earthly birth and our earthly death.  Our circumstances are not what ultimately take our life, argue it as we may.  The Lord's infinite calling on our birth and death, by His sovereignty, is the deciding factor (this is not an excuse to live foolishly or to negate taking responsibility for your action- if you were drunk driving and killed a person, it was still under God's sovereignty that the person you killed died BUT both your personal conscience and the consequences you experience will be vastly different, justifiably so, than that of what  we are talking about). 

Arie was entrusted with a huge responsibility.  He will get to choose, on a daily basis, the exceptional opportunity he has to walk in the faith that there was nothing he could have changed that Friday that would have saved his dad.  The Lord allowed Arie to be driving, yes, but Arie was being responsible and trustworthy with the task he was given.  Arie was not responsible for Jeff going home to heaven, God was.  

Treva, Emilee, Arie, and Zach will also have the divine opportunity to step onto a platform of giving God glory as they walk through this season of loss and pain.  The platform draws the attention of many onlookers, many are curious about such intense suffering and if God can truly heal a heart after such difficult circumstance.  This platform will also draw the intense scrutiny of Satan.  Satan despises when God gets any sort of attention so will do his best to defeat this precious family into thinking that God is mean and distant- that He doesn't really care about them.  He will try to trick them into falling into despair because her husband and their daddy isn't with them.   

Nick has been given one of the most honorable rolls a Christian can play in our lifetime.  He gets to support and encourage his best friend, Arie, to look up when he's feeling down.  To trust when he's not feeling the 'feelings' of faith.  To keep going when he wants to quit.  God specifically chose to have Nick where he was when he was - it was no accident.

Like I said above, I was angry at God when Ryan became sick (and at seeing so many others who were sick and suffering) because God was not acting how I thought He should.  He had allowed something that seemed so unnecessary and cruel.  I put up barriers towards Him and tried to punish Him into submitting to my will - a world of no sorrow, loss, or pain.  In my narrow-minded vision, I stepped back from receiving his comfort and peace in exchange for my hurt and anger.  When the pain became too much for me to bear, I turned back to the Lord and He met me where I was at - with comfort, strength, and peace.  He was there all along, working out His perfect will, even while I questioned His plans.  The desire I had in my heart for a 'perfect world', pain free, was really just my longing for what He has for us in Heaven.  I tell you this so that you know this blog post is not spoken lightly or without merit but through a heart that has questioned God more over the last 3 years than in my entire lifetime.  

God promises us that He has good plans for us, no matter what our earthly circumstances look like.  His best, He saves for last, which is Heaven.  Heaven will be what we all long to happen here on earth, a place of no more tears and no more suffering.  Jeff and Malina lived well and died well.  Their work on earth was done and their eternal future was ready for them.  We can’t see how much they are prospering because our work on earth is not done yet.

So, what do we do then, when we feel like God is not playing fair?  We trust Him and remember that we are still called to live and to live well.  We have the great privilege of living with God’s truth and His presence.  To live with Higher thoughts and a Higher focus. To live with the hope that no matter how difficult our circumstances here on earth, as a Christian, we have the hope of heaven!

And all God’s children said, AMEN

P.S. Treva made this comment in regards to this post: "I would love to write a follow up post as well that says...."when He shows us a glimpse of His glory". I don't know how many times in the first three days after I found out jeff "didn't make it" (as the chaplain said)...that I thought this wasn't fair. Why would God let this happen? But truly, just like God put Moses in the rock to show him a glimpse of His glory....if He showed Moses all of His glory, He couldn't handle it. But this glimpse is what I've seen in the midst of deep suffering. My life wrecked and rolled over just like the car that day. My life is not like it was three weeks ago. It's completely different!! So yes, we rely on God when life gets hard. And yes, we trust Him to build our faith. But we also watch for Him to show us His glory!! There are a million things the Lord has done in three weeks. A glimpse is all I have seen....and I would not trade what I have witnessed for anything."

Jeff's back is to us and he is doing a dance- getting ready to walk right into His saviors arms where He got to hear
'Well done, good and faithful servant.'

when God does not play fair (part 1)

Three times in my life I have felt the presence of Jesus so strong, so present, so consuming, there was no denying His all but physical presence in the room.  The first was when I flew on an airplane after overcoming a 10 year long battle with anxiety attacks (flying was an all-consuming fear).  The second was during Ellie's birth and the several days following.  The third was 3 Friday nights ago.

I had been out doing yard work, leaving my phone inside because I knew I would not be able to hear it over the sound of the mower.  When I came in, it was just before 6:00 p.m.  I noticed that my friend, Kristi, had left me a message almost an hour and a half earlier.  She wasn't panicked, but there was a tone in her voice that made my heart start pounding.... “There's been a car accident...I'll update you when I know more.”  She explained quickly that her son, Nick, had gone hunting earlier that morning just outside of a town about an hour and a half away.  He had gone with our mutual friend's (Treva) husband Jeff, and Treva and Jeff's boys, Zach and Arie.  They had been on their way home when the accident happened.  Kristi knew that Nick, Zach, and Arie had sustained non-life-threatening injuries and were being transported to the hospital.  She did not know how Jeff was other than he had sustained more substantial injuries than the others.  Kristi ended her 4:30 p.m. message with “please pray.”
In the hour and a half between when Kristi left the message and when I listened to it, she and her husband, Lenny, had traveled the hour and a half to the hospital where the three boys had been taken.  Our friend, Treva, had been notified about the accident and had also just arrived at the hospital.  During their drive over to the hospital, it was unclear which hospital Jeff had been taken to.  It was known that a medical helicopter had arrived at the scene making the hospital search a bit larger than just local, but his name was not recognized by hospital staff even as far as five hours away.  As Treva walked into the hospital, she would learn that the Lord was entrusting her with one of the biggest responsibilities given this side of heaven - a responsibility that defies all human logic and reason.  A responsibility that would include a great deal of heartache, a great deal of courage, but most of all a great deal of faith.
Nick, Arie, and Zach were discharged from the hospital several hours after arriving with staples on a head wound, a broken heel, a broken finger, and a moderate amount of cuts and scrapes....all of which would heal up relatively quickly.  They were also discharged with, again, one of the biggest responsibilities given this side of heaven- a responsibility that defies all human logic and reason.  A responsibility God entrusted them to walk with throughout their life that would require much endurance in their faith.  
Even though Kristi said she would update me when she knew more, I couldn't help but call her right back after receiving her message.  When we hung up, I immediately walked out our front door, where Matt and Eli were sitting talking, and told them about Kristi's call.  The three of us gathered into a small huddle, and, through tears, prayed for the situation.  I could also feel God pressing on my heart that we needed to go be with Kristi's and Treva's families.  

At 3:55 p.m., March 10, 2017, as the car went off the road, Jeff went home to be with our Lord and Savior.  He was given the ultimate earthly victory....he was ushered into Heaven.  

Matt, Eli, and I arrived around 9:30 p.m.  After the boys had been discharged from the hospital, everyone had gathered at the house of one of Jeff's best friend's, who lives in the same town as the hospital.  When I walked into the house, the presence of Jesus was so real you could feel it with each breath you took.  You have an enormous amount of grief and then an enormous amount of Jesus.  I'm not talking about an enormous amount of 'talking' about Jesus.  I'm talking about an enormous amount of the presence of Jesus.  The combination is heartbreakingly soothing.  A peace that passes all understanding alongside an anguish that is indescribable. One part of you wants to fall to your knees and worship while absorbing His very real presence, while the human side of you wants to shake a fist in anger and shout 'WHY, LORD...WHY!'

How could a 'loving' God allow 2 precious boys (Arie is 15 and Zach is 12) to witness the heavenly homecoming of their father in such a tragic way?
How could a 'loving' God allow that last precious boy in the car (Nick is 17) to be involved in something so horrific?
How could a 'loving' God take the life of a man who was productive in society, a good father and husband, an elder at church, an active youth group leader?
It's these situations that make the non-Christian shake their head and feel sorry for us brain washed souls who believe in such nonsense as God.
It's also these situations that make some of us Christians get the faith speed wobbles.  We get bitter and angry and full of self-pity thinking, “I've served you well, Lord, and you repay me with this?!”  We can allow our hearts to become passive aggressive towards the Lord.  Still smiling and proclaiming His name outwardly through our pain while our hearts inwardly curse Him.  Holding him at arm’s length in an effort to punish Him for not playing what we deem is fair.


So, what do we do then when we feel like God's not playing fair?  Where do we turn and how do we slow our hearts down enough to turn the speed wobbles into a faith victory and not a crash and burn....

To read part 2 click HERE

From Treva's Instagram

For those of you who have not already, I would like you to meet Treva and her family.  A local Christian Radio/TV station put this video together.