what's enough

For most, defeatment is easy for us to take on.  Self doubt creeping in right behind.
We measure our success by the perfectionist chart, and, at some level, always seem to fail.
Whether it's being a spouse, a parent, an employee, running a ministry, in our friendships (or lack of), our physical looks, being a student, etc.  Maybe it's our relationship with the Lord- we try and try and try but never feel like we are growing enough, learning enough, pouring out enough for Him.

We tell ourselves we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough.  Always feeling like we come up short.

As of yesterday evening, I have taken two mid terms this week- Both in Anatomy (BI231 Lab and Lecture).

I laid in bed last night, going over questions I did not know the answers to on the Anatomy mid term, trying to count up how many I had gotten wrong and what I thought my grade was going to come back at.  I was up again a little before five this morning, going over the chapters in the book the exam covered, looking at what the correct answers were to as many of the questions I could remember from the test.  Shoulders sagging and a pit in my stomach, I realized that several of my answers had been wrong.  I mentally tallied what I thought my grade was going to be (probably low B but possibly a high C), defeatment trying to set in.  For how many hours I studied, I would have expected myself to know more on the test.  Expected myself to have retained the hundred plus new terms better.

I began praying, telling the Lord that I felt like I didn't do good enough and that something was wrong with my retention.  Telling Him that I was disappointed in myself and my performance.

I finished praying and sat rocking in the chair, debating whether to go back to bed (my brain and body are tired).  As I was rocking, back and forth, back and forth, I could feel my thought process beginning to change.  It began to brighten and cheer up.

I was focusing on the questions I knew I answered wrong.  Focusing on the failure.  The areas I had come up short.

I studied hard, had done all of the homework and reading assignments, and had answered the best I could.  The reality is, I had given it my all.

What if I was focusing on the wrong thing, and, in doing this, defeating myself.

If the test is worth 100 points and I am able to get a low B.  That would mean that 20% of the test I answered incorrect and 80% would have been answered correctly.  My focus was solely on that 20%.

In three weeks time our Anatomy and Physiology class has taken in well over 100 new vocabulary terms.  In those new terms, we are having to learn not just the overall meaning but the nitty gritty details and application of those terms.  With all of that, we are required to spell those new (and sometimes long) words correctly.  We are having to grasp an almost insurmountable amount of knowledge.  With this difficult (but very rewarding) class, I am also taking 3 other classes that have their own learning curve and challenges.  This would be a stretch for most people's brain, not just mine.

I could feel the Lord pressing on my heart to give myself grace and to be thankful.

Yes, I did get several questions wrong.  I didn't get an A on the exam.
but,
Think of all the answers I got right :)

Focus and perspective is so important in life.  When I focus on myself and my expectations, I will always fall short.  When I focus on Jesus, asking Him for His perspective, His wisdom, and the ability to experience His Grace, I will succeed every time.  The success may not look like straight A's, it may not look like a perfect body or children that turned out the way we hoped they would.  It may not be an ideal marriage or a thriving ministry....it may not be...you fill in the blank.  That's ok.  When we know that we are honoring and trusting God with our life circumstances, no matter the outcome, we will be able to rest in His peace and grace that it was and is good enough for Him, and that is what truly matters.

Thank you Jesus for your grace on us and for the grace you ask us to give ourselves!  Thank you that you don't require us to be perfect, but instead, ask us to rest in Your perfection. 

  Thank you that you are enough.

One of the MANY pages of notes I took before this past mid term

Here comes the bones!! This is one of the page of bones we will be memorizing (location in the body and function among other things) in the coming weeks.