those things that bring you to tears

• A zit on the inside of your nostril.  When you attempt to pop it, will make even the strongest resort to weeping like a baby.  I may or may not have had this issue on Sunday night and I may or may not have a big red scab just outside of my left nostril currently.  The tears when I went to pop it were involuntary and the pain was worse than delivering my 2 boys, both of which were at the 9# mark, without pain medication
• Running over a skunk and having their stink sack squirt up onto the vehicle your driving.  It's like cutting a really strong onion- you blink and blink and it just makes the sting and tears worse.  I finally pulled over, got out, and stood on the side of the road...it was that bad (I also dry heaved but that didn't help)
• When you look out your sliding glass door....into your back yard and see the Wal Mart swing set sitting in the weeded grass.  When you look beyond the swing set, through the chain link fence to see the grass (that will become hay this summer) that your husband and boys planted in the field starting to sprout.  When you walk to your kitchen window and see the cars driving by.....over 1800 a day by our house is what our County's traffic survey says...When you realize that, in, the 11 homes you've lived in over the last 21 years, you really feel like your home.  It totally brings me to tears :)

Happy Thursday!

until spring :)

We didn't have our usual professional family picture done this year, the one that goes on our Christmas Card- We also didn't send out our Christmas Card this year, only the second time in 21 years that this has happened....There has been so much preparation going into our Germany trip, it just didn't happen. I told our Photographer, Christine, that we were going to try for the picture in the spring (and send out a card in the spring....maybe I'll have it titled 'Merry Late Christmas'....hee hee!)
Sub Consciencely, since not getting our usual yearly professional family picture, I have attempted to take my own- it's been a super unsuccessful attempt on my part...my boys think it's a time to joke around....Matt joining with them most of the time

This is what trying to get a family picture of all 5 of us this morning looked like
no editing, your seeing every picture I took (except for one that was blurry)
I may have resorted to using my firm voice and being on the verge of yelling, trying to get my boys to 'pose'
it didn't help
I still never did nail the pic I really wanted
my boys
oh my goodness, MY BOYS
I laughed as I looked through these pictures tonight and appreciated the realness
appreciated their sense of humor
I remember doing the same things to my parents ('fill er up Phil' I would say to my step dad and then hold my cup up to him at the dinner table)
I think it's the right of passage for our kids...they do things that drive us nuts in the onset and then drive us to a fit of laughter when we think back (or look back) on the moment.
Here's as good as it get's for us, the best family picture you'll see until Spring, when Christine works her magic and my boys cooperate.

From our family to yours, Happy New Year!!

lutefisk and adoption

Christmas Eve morning, Elle's and I went out to my Nana's house to help make Lefse for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner, Lutefisk and Lefse (Lutefisk is a Norwegian word that means 'rubbish')
just kidding about Lutefisk meaning 'rubbish'- When it's cooking, it smells just like when you go to the dump on a really hot day- imagine that first whiff you get when you open your car door.  I stick with the Lefse (delicious home made tortilla's) smothered in butter and mashed potatoes and keep the distance great between the Lutefisk and I....my Nana, dad, and aunts love it- I don't know how I missed getting the 'love the Lutefisk' gene but I did (so did my sister) :)
When we were on our drive home, Ellie randomly asked me if she 'grew in my stomach'
'no sweetie, you didn't grown in my stomach.... God choose you to grow in your birth mom Heather's stomach and then join our family by way of adoption'
'oh'
as she was saying the 'oh', I could see her trying to make sense of what I was telling her.
I went on...
'God allowed mommy (me) to be at your birth when it was time for you to come out of your birth mom Heather's tummy (I was not in the delivery room but was out in the waiting room).  God also has allowed you to have two mom's, your birth mom Heather and me'
'Mommy and daddy adopted you Elle's....Adoption is a really special thing'
We talked a bit more about it and what it mean's to be adopted- I could tell she was taking it all in, processing it and tucking it away.
The whole time we were talking, I was praying for how Ellie will process her adoption story.  Praying that she will understand Heather's love, our love, and most importantly God's love.  Praying that she will understand, even in the quiet of her processing heart, that her birth story, while complicated, was chosen for her by God and filled with purpose.  

'For you created my inmost being;
 you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

15 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.'

Psalm 139:13-16

Ellie and I Christmas Eve morning

the Lefse making crew (thank you auntie anne for the picture)

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours....
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

p.s. we'd also like to introduce you to our nephew Caleb, who totally photobombed our Christmas pic :) :)
We love you Caleb!!

faith tests and perseverance

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

James 1:2-4

Since September, when we received the test results that Lyme was still in Ryan's system, a heaviness has settled in my heart.  It's not a depression and it's not oppression.  It's not smothering heavy and it's not unbearable heavy, but it is a constant heavy- something that I am aware of most minutes of each day and something that I can't shake.

'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds...'

To be honest,  if I don't cling to the Lord, His presence and His promises, the heaviness and the reality of Ryan's Lyme can make me angry.  I can shake my head and purse my lips and think to myself...'REALLY!  Are you kidding me Lord!....WHY!!?'  As a parent, watching your child suffer or struggle is, I believe, one of the most difficult things we can experience.  When you can't 'fix' what they are going through is so hard.

James answers the 'WHY' question:

'because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance....'

Perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Each day, as I 'feel' the unshakable heaviness in my heart, I am reminded that it is in the trials, the hard times, the heavy times that our faith has the chance to grow.  It's in times like these that we get to know for ourselves what God's comfort and peace feels like- We also have the chance to share with others the peace that the Lord is comforting us with.  My whole family has the opportunity to feel God's presence and constant peace filling our hearts.  We get to experience a peace that passes all understanding and the joy of knowing that the trial set before us is under the Lords complete authority and control.  He promises purpose and a plan to all that we experience during our life here on earth.  We also have the opportunity to persevere, in God's strength and through Him.

 'Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'

perseverance is no easy task.  
nope
it's hard and, even at times, feels heavy
but the promised reward of Jesus Christ, our great victor, having an eternal purpose to each trial He allows us to go through is worth pressing on towards.  He gives us hope when circumstances are heavy....Amen!

May God Bless and keep you in whatever season you find yourself in and may we all press on and persevere knowing that our Heavenly Father has a plan and purpose both here and into eternity!

P.S. We leave for Germany in three weeks.  Ryan's Lyme symptoms are virtually non existent at this point.  I wish this meant the Lyme was gone but it doesn't....it means that the antibiotics Ryan was taking up until 8 weeks ago were able to knock it into a remission of sorts.  Our (and many others) prayer has been that Ryan will not be sick with his Lyme symptoms when we go to Germany- That the Lyme would stay in remission just as it is now.  It makes traveling so much easier and it makes the transition of everyday life from here to there easier too.  We have learned with Ryan's Lyme that it is a day by day thing...one day he could be doing just fine and the next his symptoms reappear and start taking over.  Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

Schwabisch Hall, Germany

conversations about childbearing...

A fellow Blogger, Amanda, wrote a blog post questioning why it's not talked about, written about, blogged about, etc. when, as women, our season of childbearing ends.  She and her husband have two children and over the past several years have pursued to grow their family by way of adoption.  Adoption, from the time a baby is born until the paper work has been signed and has closed, is so fragile.   So many emotions are experienced by both the birth mother and the family pursuing adoption.  Amanda and her family have been placed with a baby multiple times and each time, the birth mother has decided to parent.  Such a blessing for the birth mother but so much heartache for Amanda.  After much prayer, Amanda and her husband decided that, at this point, they would no longer pursue adoption.  Their family would be complete and she would begin the process of working through what it means for her to be at the end of her childbearing years.  Her blog post touched my heart.  I know where she's at- you've had your kids, your still young, you don't quite feel 'done' but because of circumstances you are done- There is a 12 year gap between Ryan and Ellie and for most of those years, my heart ached for another baby (or child).
I also realized, after reading through her post and then replying in the comment section, how, at least for me personally, it's ok to be done with your childbearing season.  After we adopted our Ellie, Matt and I both knew we were done and our family was complete.  When this happens, at least for us, and your still in the child bearing age, there is a sense of panic at the thought of getting pregnant... Yes, I know if that happens (or if the Lord calls us to adopt again), it would be a HUGE blessing....BUT....... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH  :) :)

The Lord will use whatever season we are in, whether it's longing for a child, or whether like me, its the season of being content with the amount of children you have.  He will walk us through our circumstances and grow us in Him.

Below is an excerpt from the blog post Amanda posted and my reply in her comment section.

"I've been thinking a lot about how eager and willing we are to mentor younger women in their new seasons of life. Entering college, adapting to a career, being a newlywed, stepping into new ministry roles, or becoming a mom are exciting times......One thing I hardly ever hear other women talk about is the end of the season of childbearing. I don't mean menopause because I know for a fact that women like to talk about that.....I'm just not sure there's a lot of mentoring in the ending of childbearing. Why do you think that is?  Is it because no one hires a photographer to send out "We're done reproducing!" announcements and no Pinterest boards with great ideas for "We're moving on!" reveal parties? Is it because this isn't very exciting and therefore it's unseen? Maybe it's just too private a matter. (But let's be honest. We get down to the nitty gritty about childbirth. Do we care that much about privacy?).... When every mom faces the end of the baby years at some point, it seems strange that it isn't talked about more.......I don't know about you, but I need to hear these stories. I need to know what it looks like to move on gracefully even though there is heartache. It would be really powerful to know the stories of the older women in my village. I need to take the time to ask them these kinds of questions: Why did it end for you? Was it your decision or was it because of circumstances out of your control? Did you and your husband agree on when it was time to be done? If not, how did you come to peace? Five years later, did you have regrets? Do you have regrets now? Did it end on a high note or  with trauma? Is it even possible for this season to end on a high note? Is this painful for everyone?....."

I thought about Amanda's blog post for a bit and responded in her comment section why I shy away from conversations that include the season of child bearing closing....

At my core, I shy away from conversations that include the season of child bearing closing for the fearful fact of 'Oh my goodness WHAT IF God were to call our family to have more children' What if, by acknowledging the season is over it somehow perks up God's ears and Her remembers that He still wants us to have more- Yes, I know that He would give us the strength BUT as much as I have enjoyed raising our 19 year old right into young adulthood and raising our 16 year old....and holding her own right behind her older brothers is our precious 4 year old (whom we adopted)...As much as I have enjoyed each and everyday of child raising (and will continue to enjoy it)- I feel tired out and all done having babies (or adopting babies). I know I can't boss God around (I've tried and it doesn't work...smile) so instead I slink down in my seat when such conversations come up and pray that either I will go through early menopause or become too old to adopt in every county throughout the whole world because then I know that the season is over- that the possibility of God calling us to more children is over (although I think of Sarah and Abraham...they were 'as old as dead' when Isaac was born)
That being said, during the 12 year gap between my then youngest and the adoption of our daughter I went through a deep grieving time that by the age of 41 we would be empty nesters. I remember the first day of dropping my (then) youngest off for a full day of school and driving away feeling incredibly lost....like the roles I had embraced for so many years were changing and I did not know how to let go politely. Along with this changing season was the deep desire I had to adopt- It was not until 6 years after dropping my youngest off at school that the Lord brought our adoption full circle- In those 6 years the Lord taught me some incredible lessons about solely depending on Him...to hold each season of child raising close to my heart but not to clench it in my fists...that my identity is first in Him and His desires for my life, then in my role as a wife, and then in my role as a mother...so many other lessons that I learned when my kids went to school and God and I had many hours of quiet time during the day...'

Mama's....May God Bless and keep you, whatever your season!

Happy Saturday

p.s. To read Amanda's full post, click here

Christmas 2011

pictures...pictures...and more pictures :)

some favorites from the last couple of months....