It's been awhile

Well Hi :) It's been awhile!

 It seems like a lifetime ago, blogging.  I've been telling myself for weeks that I was going to sit down and write a blog post- for no other reason than the fact that it used to be a normal part of my week- Now, it's not even a normal part of my year.  I still write (type), only its medical assessments, documenting medications and health history (for my job) instead of delving into lessons learned or milestones in my personal life (and then blogging about them).  

I don't think blogging will become a normal part of my routine, life just doesn't give me enough time these days.  But I don't want to let it go completely, at least not yet.  There is something therapeutic about organizing the emotions in my brain long enough to write them out.  There is something personal yet universal when those (for a minute) organized emotions and life lessons show insight into God's story in my life.  Really in our lives- because He is always working, hovering just above our physical while deeply intimate in our psychological- never visible with the full understanding that He is right here.

I'm giving myself 10 minutes for this post.  I promised Ellie I would play a game of cards with her before she goes to bed- our card game starts at 9:00 and it's 8:50...

I keep typing and then deleting.  Then sitting here with my hands on the keys, trying to find a starting point for a 10 minute blog post and the minutes are starting to tick by.

I think we would all agree it's been a hard year.  My reasons for it being hard may be different than your reasons but we would still agree, it's been hard.  There's been some beautiful moments this year and there has been some unexplainable anguish- anguish that will always be this side of heaven.  The beauty has been precious- maybe it's preciousness noticed even more because a dark backdrop now hangs behind each moment in a way it did not before (since my 14 year old nephew, Wyatt, went home to heaven on April 4).  The unexplainable anguish, that dark backdrop, is only dark as it hangs towards earth- that same dark backdrop turns to a brilliant white as it approaches the heavenly realm.  Our gaze always needing to look up, our focus on eternity, to realize that what seems so dark here is made right in Heaven.  It's made more than right, it's perfect into eternity.  Looking up also serves as a reminder that no matter how things appear here, we have a God who is sovereignly working out His plan for our good and His glory no matter what.

My ten minutes is up and I've gotta go- a game of cards with my gal is waiting.  It's been nice chatting with you, for just a bit!

P.S. Here's 2 randoms before I end-  

1. We are hoping to go to Hawaii over Thanksgiving...we've had to cancel and rebook the trip 3 times due to trying to take the Hawaii approved Covid test (we settled on the home test by Vault Health).  It will be an absolute miracle if we actually get to go (we are supposed to fly out of Portland early Monday morning)... I'll keep you posted

2. Our Ryan got married to his Danika last month (October 24).  It was a beautiful and heartfelt wedding.  Ryan and Danika dated for 4 years.  Ryan asked her to marry him in August and they were married by October- Danika planned their wedding in a little less than 2 months (your amazing Danika!!).  Matt and I are so happy for them.

Wyatt, Ry, Danika, and my nephew Ben in Mexico last December for our family vacation.  We all love and miss you so much Wyatt.

 

When my heart wants to fear

I spent most of my 20's crippled and broken by fear, in bondage and paralyzed by the past, present, and the what-ifs of the future.  The sturdy mental construction of fear, built around my mind with what felt like an impenetrable wall, was holding me captive.  What I didn't realize, at the time, was that the wall I was building was founded on lies and held together by my misplaced focus.  I was focusing on the here and now, the perceived control I thought I needed, the what-ifs of the future, and the trauma's of things past.  The weight crushed me and for almost 10 years I felt intensely broken.

I've told the story before, in much more detail (to read the story click HERE).  

14 years ago, I was delivered of anxiety attacks and the bondage of fear.  I wish I could say that with my deliverance came a free pass from ever feeling worry or fear again, but it didn't.  Depending on the day, fear is always trying to gain the loudest attention in my mind- always trying to overtake truth.  For me, it is much like a chronic disease that needs to be managed and something the Lord and I work through on an almost daily basis- whom am I going to trust, Him or my own fear.  To date, God is who I have chosen to rest in....but what I've come to realize is that God's rest is only as good as my choice to submit to Him- His peace wins over my worry when I continually choose to focus on Him and walk in His truths.  God's peace will always be offered, no matter what and no matter the situation, but whether I choose to walk in and rest in it is up to me.

My heart wants to fear (to the point of panic), especially in the season we are currently in.  There are moments my heart wants to fear so bad, it aches.  Every logical thought I have is screaming at me that pandemics, especially ones that are airborne and can live on surfaces outside the human body, are still a giant threat no matter how many precautions you take- the threat always looming but at times feels like an overwhelming doom.  But even as the screaming thoughts try to take over, a peace that passes all understanding still has its root.  It is still the truth I consider the most reliable and trustworthy and the one I turn to even over my own perceived 'logic'.....

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27 NIV

Being mindful and smart about how we move forward each day along with protecting ourselves and other....Absolutely.  Loosing hope and feeling like things are out of control...oh no, no, no.  God is still on the throne, still in control, and still working out all things for our good and His glory, no matter what our circumstances look like...no matter what.

navigating the fragile road of adoption

The conversation started innocently enough.  Ellie and I, in my bathroom, talking about how she wanted me to style her hair.  She had ideas, I had ideas, and her hair had ideas.  Somewhere, in the mix of talking hair, we were also talking about life.  At one point, during the conversation, she asked me how I knew something- I replied, 'because I'm your mom and mom's know these types of things.'

Without a hint of rebellion or punishment in her voice and without malice or manipulation, she replied back, 'technically your not my mom.'  The moment was heavy with honesty.  It was heavy with vulnerability, heavy with the weight of her truth.  Her heart gauging whether I could shoulder the truth.  She's so smart and incredibly insightful- has always been wise beyond her years- she would know.  I wouldn't be able to fool her.

'No Elle, I'm not your biological mom.  God chose for you to grow in your birth mom Heather's tummy and then He chose for dad and I to raise you.  Technically I'm not your birth mom but your in my heart every bit as much as if you would have grown in my tummy.  It's just the way God made it, from the very first moment I read the paperwork about you and Heather, before you were born, I knew you belonged in our family.  But I also understand that you think about your biological family...' and we went on to talk about them and how important they are to her.

I haven't done motherhood perfectly.  I've failed and succeed over the last 23 years, but I've learned a few things.  I learned a few things in the 11 years I prayed for a child to become our third.  I learned in the final months, before we were placed with Ellie and Heather, how selfish my heart and motives were when it came to how I wanted our adoption to look.  I also remember where I was (Kipu Kai in March of 2011) when I finally held up my hands and surrendered whether we would adopt or not to God- leaving it in His hands and being at peace whether He placed a child with us or not.  I also knew that if He did chose to bless us with a child, it would be in His timing and His way, always.....and never mine.  A month after this surrender, we were matched with our birth mom, Heather.  Ellie was born on June 18, 2011.

So here we are, almost nine adoption years later.  It's been a journey filled with so many joyous moments and some amazing memories.  It's also been a journey of incredible grief.  I've sobbed and Ellie's sobbed.  We've hashed out some hard truth's together with the knowledge that the best and worst is yet to come.  During the journey this far, I've learned a few things- some taught to me by Ellie and some I've learned as I've begged God for the wisdom to navigate the complicated and fragile road of adoption.

• It's not a competition.  You don't have to build yourself up or downplay your child's biological parent(s) or family.  Be content and secure with what and where God has called you in your child's life. Chose to be realistic but kind and gracious when you talk about your child's biological family.  It's where they have come from genetically, it's where their heart at times longs to still be.  They are curious, rightfully so, and looking for reassurance that the family they are not with have value.  At some level, they will want to equate the worth we place on their biological family with the worth they have.

• It's OK to be second place in your child's mind.  As an adoptive parent, we've gone some miles with our child- we've stepped up- we've walked in the trenches pouring out love and support.....this does not mean we are entitled to first place in their minds.  Sometimes, they need to imagine that their biological parents are the heroes in the story.....they are still learning that it's OK to love both sets of parents equally- a tough and heartbreaking learning lesson for them- that one set of parents stepped down so another set could rise up.

• Take the steps and get the tools to shoulder their grief without making your child feel guilty.  Ellie needed to tell me that I am not her biological mom.  She needed a safe place to share her truth. If I would have responded with hurt and anger, she would have retreated and felt the need to comfort me (instead of me comforting her).  Retreated feelings make any child feel even more isolated, more alone, and places a heavy load that was meant to be shared (with parents) squarely on their shoulders.  Anger and unhealthy coping mechanisms can subsequently follow....

• There will be grief- with adoption, there is loss and gain without the two ever being separated- sometimes it's easy to want to separate the two for our sake or/and for our adopted child's sake. This only makes the grief deeper and more confusing for all involved. It's OK to acknowledge and talk about the loss but make sure to equally acknowledge the gain.  Adoption will always be bittersweet.

To every parent reading this who has an adopted child...God has called you to an incredible job.  If it's a hard season, take heart- it's not the end of the story.

To every birth parent reading this who has placed a child...you made a selfless decision that was the right one.  On the days you are beating yourself up over your decision, take heart- you chose what was best and it is your love that shines through most.

To every child who grew up with or is being raised in a forever home that is not biologically yours and are struggling with grief and anger...you are a treasure and a gift- God's got an incredible plan for your life and you are so very loved.  Don't give up hope because it's not the end of your story either.

Heather, Ellie, and I a couple of hours before Ellie was born.  It is the only picture to date I have of the three of us.  

the last sentence of the last chapter

Living life is a unique balance.  You live in the moment, with each action forwarding on meaning into the next moment and the next, everything counting for something.  There are times though when living in the moment means that this moment, the moment you are living right now, will be the last of it's kind.  Oh, you will have many more moments to come (Lord willing) but they will never be as they were before.

And that's ok.  In fact, it's more than ok, it's great.  You loved all the moments before and you know you will love the moments after, but you know the moments before will never be again and for that reason, a grief with both thankfulness and sadness takes place.

I don't believe God made our life stories to fit in just one book.  I think He writes out our lives in multiple books, each for specific seasons and each touching by bound covers, connected from generation to generation.  Bound covers, created by God, so things like His distinction of marriage can live out in His designed way, each couple receiving their own book when their vows are said.

A new book started on July 30, 1994 when I married Matt. This book was specific for the life that Matt and I would create with each other and our children. Chapter after chapter was written as Eli was born, then Ry, then Ellie.  We lived, having a variety of memories in each chapter- happy, funny, incredibly hard times, and some devastating times.  We went on some great adventures, all of us living each moment to it's fullest, page after page getting filled.

Eli grew up, moved out, and started a life of his own- Ryan grew up, creating a life of his own too, but the five of us were still in the same book.  Our final sentence hadn't come.  That last period, of the last chapter, with the last word was close...but not yet.  It's not that we would loose touch when our book ending came, it would mean that for healthy sake, for boundary sake, for distinction sake, we would need a sequel (thanks for the word choice, Heid).  One going to two.

I took the picture below at my nephew's wedding this past Friday night.....

Even as I was taking it, the mama side of my heart realized that it would be the last picture I would take as the mother of 3 kids.  Our Eli get's married this week.  He gaining a wife, Ry and Ellie a sister, Matt and I a daughter.  A picture of my kids will never feel complete again without Megan in it.  This Saturday night, our family will transition from 5 to 6 with a final period at the end of the last sentence of our book and the hard bound cover will close.

In place of one book will be two.  Eli and Meg having their own while Matt, Ryan, Ellie, and I the other. Oh, we'll still have our end-covers touching, ours touching on one side with Megan's family touching the other.  Eli and Meg wedged between their two families with their own book, full of pages to fill and memories to make.  Some of the chapters will include their extended family but the main content will be them....living out what God has called both too as a married couple, leaving  their families and cleaving to begin their own story, and what a story it will be.

I cried after I took the picture- not right then and there, but when I got home.  My heart was celebrating Eli and Megs upcoming wedding, thanking God for the woman Megan is and how perfect He designed her for Eli (and vice versa).  I also cried because that last sentence of our family book is here.  The tears were filled with an overwhelming thankfulness for the memories, for the moments, for each day we spent as a family of five. Crying for the ending to a season while being so excited for the new beginning.  Megan is a gift, both to our family and to our Eli.  She is a treasure.

So here is to the moments and memories our family shared before our book was finished.  Here's also to the moment's and memories we will make after, in both of our new books.  But most of all,  here's to God, who brought our family Megan and who brought Megan's family our Eli.

P.S. I couldn't end this post without a quick trip down memory lane......some favorite pictures of my kids over the years

Congratulation Eli and Megs, Saturday can't get here fast enough-  We love you and are so very happy for and proud of you.

Florida for two fifty seven, please

It all started on a bumpy plane ride from Turks and Caicos to North Carolina last December.  We were headed home from a family vacation, flying American Airlines (AA) for the first time.  The flight home stopped in North Carolina and then Portland, Oregon.  Midway through the flight, the stewardess came over the speaker and said that AA was running a special- sign up with their credit card and you would receive 50,500 miles.  I asked the stewardess if a spouse could sign up for a card separately and each receive 50,500 miles and she said we could.  The small print said that you had to put a purchase of any amount on the card within a certain time frame and also pay an $85. annual fee.

Fast forward to late February of this year.  It was a Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on the couch in my living room scrolling through Facebook while the rain poured outside.  Ad's pop up often in my Facebook newsfeed and I usually ignore them.  A picture of a sunny resort in Mexico was on the ad this time and under the picture was a ridiculously low price.  Even as I clicked on the ad, I was mentally telling myself that I would never actually purchase something from an ad like this, it would just be fun to look.  The company advertising was called Book VIP.  They were offering cheap vacations in Mexico, Florida, and Las Vegas.  My friend Michelle and I had just been talking about Tahiti Village in Las Vegas and I noticed that was one of the resorts offered in Book VIP's deals.  On a whim, I picked up the phone, called the number, asked a million questions (every question I could think of that would expose any shady-ness), and then booked a 3 night stay for Matt and I at Tahiti Village for just under $130.  The stipulation attached to the trip was that you had to make at least a certain amount annually, travel as a married couple that shared the same address, and listen to a two hour time-share presentation.  Matt and I went to Tahiti Village in March (19') and had a great trip.  The timeshare presentation was typical and we declined the purchase.  Book VIP sent an e-mail just before we went to Las Vegas letting me know that if I made a short video mentioning their company and the resort we stayed at, they would give me 3 free nights to a participating resort in either Last Vegas or Orlando, Florida.  I made the video and submitted it for their review.  I received 3 free nights.

Combined, Matt and I had 100,100 miles from American Airlines.  We also had a 3 free nights stay to a resort in Orlando, Florida from the video I submitted.  That was enough miles to get 3 round trip tickets from our hometown in Oregon to Orlando.  The left over miles were enough for 3 nights at a hotel in Orlando.  At this point, we had 6 hotel nights and 3 round trip flights covered to Orlando, all with miles.  The only thing left was the rental car.  Costco beat out everyones price at $167 for an SUV for the duration of our trip.

$167. rental car
$60. resort fee (Book VIP does not cover resort fees)
$30. for a $5 per person per flight ticketing fee
_____
$257. base fee for our trip.  This price does not include any excursions, food, gas, extras, or our trip to Disney World.

(I could add in the annual credit card fee associated with the AA card but I just don't feel like it)

To keep additional costs affordable on our trip but also see some of the sites that are only available in Florida we decided on the places we would visit before our trip and then shopped for the deals.  On the list was:

Day 1: Kennedy Space Center
Day 2: Cape Canaveral/Cocoa Beach (Free)
Day 3: Sea World Orlando
Day 4: Disney World
Day 5: Gatorland

• All of our rooms (short of the night we flew in) have kitchenettes.  We went to the grocery store and purchased food instead of eating out.  Normally when we travel, I fly in most of our food in checked bags and coolers.  I just didn't have time this trip.
• 4 mornings of our stay include a free breakfast with the hotel/resort- the other mornings we will eat in with food we purchased from the grocery store.
• We purchased Sea World and Kennedy Space Center tickets for a discount through AAA during a Memorial Day sale they ran- the price of the ticket did not include parking ($10-$25 to park at each).  Sea World was $48.75 per person and Kennedy was $42.50/adult and $35./child.
• We purchased tickets to Gatorland for $17.49 each so Ellie could see alligators 'up close' and because they have a small waterpark that is not overcrowded.  We used Tripster Vacations for this purchase- door price would have been $29.99/adults and $19.99/kids. 
• We packed 3 water bottles that we bring with us into the parks to refill so we do not have to purchase drinks.  We also eat before we go and pack snacks so we are not purchasing food in the parks.  
• Ellie turns 8 tomorrow (18th).  We decided to spend the money to take her to Disney World for an 8th birthday present while we are down here.  I spent several hours searching for discounted Disney World tickets and came up short.  I did go to the Sam's Club here and purchase $350 worth of Disney gift cards for $335. If we would have spent more than one day at Disney, I would have purchased our tickets through AAA because they had the best deals (at the time I looked).

We are on our last night of our 6 nights in Orlando.  It's been so fun!  The resort Book VIP put us up in is family friendly, clean, and very functional.  It is not grand or glamorous but very comfortable (equivalent to staying at a Marriott or Hilton Extended Stay).   It's called Westgate Lake Resort and Spa and is very centrally located.  The hotels we have stayed at the additional 3 nights were also nice.  One night was at a Hyatt and the additional two at The Point (on Universal Blvd.).

Florida has surprised both Matt and I with it's beauty.  It is our first trip here and definitely won't be our last.  We look forward to a return trip, hopefully bringing the rest of our family the next time!

Link to the Video I made for BookVIP for the free 3 nights in Orlando

It's Tick Season

It's tick season.
Tick.
Those four letters cost our family $50,000 and some significant heartache over a two year span.
I find myself cringing when I read articles talking about how Lyme Disease is on the rise in Oregon, with the county I live in (Jackson) being ranked as one of the highest hot spots for contacting Lyme in the entire state (along with Josephine, Douglas, and Klamath County).  For those that want to read the article, click here).  I also find myself cringing when, in the same article, ticks are downplayed as being less significant than poison oak by our national forest's spokeswomen...

 "Chamise Kramer, a spokeswoman for the (Siskiyou) national forest, said there are definitely plenty of ticks in the area, often visible hanging on long blades of grass, but they haven't posed a bigger threat to hikers than, say, poison oak."

There is a chance that one of you reading this blog post will be bit by a tick before summer's end.  If not you, it may be a loved one, someone you work with, or just a random person you know.  When this happens, regardless of what people like Chamise from above say, it needs to be taken more serious than a case of poison oak....trust me on this one :)

Here are some easy steps to follow when it comes to tick bites.  There is no need to (completely) panic but there is a need to be mindful and purposeful in your approach to addressing the tick and the tick bite.  It is so much easier and cheaper to test a tick for Lyme Disease and co-infections than it is to test a person.

• Begin with removing the tick, including the head of the tick.
• Immediately put the tick in a zip lock plastic bag and place in the freezer.  Mark on the zip lock bag the date you were bitten by the tick. 
• Mark on your calendar the date you were bit and start watching for symptoms of Lyme Disease.  The symptoms will usually not begin showing for 2 weeks but can begin sooner or later.  It is not uncommon for a person to not show symptoms of Lyme Disease for years after a bite.
• Do your best to identify what type of tick you were bitten by (see the chart below).
• Begin watching the bite site.  If you notice the spot developes a rash or raised area around it, take your tick out of the freezer and get it sent off IMMEDIATELY to a tick testing facility (we have used IGeneX Labs and University of Rhode Island Tick Encounter).  The tick can be tested for Lyme and other co infections.
• For extra precaution, your Lyme Literate doctor may also recommend that you get tested, using IGeneX labs, DNA Connexions, or another similar lab.
• No matter what, even if you do nothing else, keep any tick you are bit by (stored in a zip lock in your freezer) in case you begin having symptoms several months or years after the bite.  You will be able to take it out of the freezer and send it in for testing.

If it were me, I would send the tick off immediately and not wait for signs or symptoms to appear/not appear.  Spending the $50.-$75 for the test is much better than the heartache, anguish, and cost that comes along with a diagnosis of Lyme Disease.  

I asked the University of Rhode Island's tick testing center how long a tick could be frozen for prior to having it tested.  Here is their response:

Several years ago, our Ellie was bit by a tick.  We sent it in for testing and they sent us back the results (it was negative for Lyme Disease) along with pictures of the tick we sent in.  The pictures are below

sometimes over and over

I had about a half hour drive this morning to get where I was going.  It was somewhat early so not many people were on the freeway- It gave me time to pray and think.  It also gave me a chance to drop a piece of avocado off of my toast (eating breakfast as I drove) onto my pants.  As I glanced down to try and get it off before it smeared, I caught sight of the bright purple pant bottoms I was wearing- as my eye's rested on those grape colored scrubs, the praying and questions began...
'Why nursing, Lord?' There are so many other things I am more qualified and better at so why this. why now. why me and not someone else who's whole life dream has been to do what I am getting ready to do.  And as usual, I felt a deep and persistent peace that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, at the perfect time I need to be there.  I don't need to understand the in's and out's but I do need to trust completely.

In the year and a half I have been on this journey, striving towards becoming a nurse, the Lord has proven Himself faithful time and time again.  He has taught me about persevering, being steadfast and self disciplined, to keep going even when every natural emotion is telling me to stop.  He has taught me to trust in His strength and to depend on Him- that His strength will always be enough and that He is reliable always.
I continue to learn that I may fail over and over at a task but that does not mean I can stop trying.  Failure in our eyes does not mean quitting or giving up in God's eyes- it means being humble, acknowledging that you need help, and then relying on Him for the self esteem to try again (sometimes over and over).
The Lord has used others to inspire me along the way- to marvel at how He made some people with an incredible academic mind to retain all things medical.  How He made others with a strong determination, using that determination to triumph over great obstacles (sickness, death, divorce, tragedy), not letting what they have endured stop them.  They are over-comers.
I've also learned about how defeating perfectionism can be.  How it can suck the life and joy out of your heart if it is your goal.  How it will take you on a detour, bypassing what God has called you to be, all because you felt like you couldn't do it good enough.  You may be afraid that you would fail or not measure up to your self imposed standard,  so why start anyway.

My drive and prayer time was coming to an end.  It was just before 6:00 a.m. and I was pulling into the skilled nursing facility where I would be spending the day doing a clinical rotation.  A place where I would face so many of my own insecurities and fears- sickness, bad smells, giving shots, the possibility of failing at one of the skills I was learning, etc.   As all these thoughts were bouncing around in my head, I did what I have done some many times over the last 18 months. I asked the Lord to give me wisdom, strength, and help as I navigated thorough my day.  I asked for His help in accepting any failure that I may encounter and prayed for the humility to accept the failure, not as a defeat but as something to learn from.  I also prayed for the resilience to try again and again, as many times as needed to get it right.  I prayed for those I would come into contact with, that they would find His comfort and strength in their day also. Then I laid it down- every worry and fear I had, refusing to carry it with me during the day.

As I walked to my car this afternoon, after completing the clinical day, and started the drive home, it struck me- something that I have experienced so many times but seem to always be amazed by- God had today covered. No it didn't go perfectly, there were many imperfections, but He didn't need me to be perfect.  He just needed me to follow His leading, trusting Him the entire time and rely on His guidance to get me through.

What a relief, how refreshing, and thank you Jesus!

Almost...Just a couple more weeks until the 1st semester is done!!