It's been a heavy month. Emotionally, Spiritually and Physically...
There are times when one or two of the above will combine and create a difficulty but it's not too often that all three mingle in the same breath...
For me, it's the inhale of an emotionally difficult situation that will determine the exhale. How to process the knowledge of the scary and sad- things that you can not tuck away in the clean compartment of 'we will deal with this later' or 'it's not as bad as what it looks like'.
It was just past midnight last Tues. night that I woke up panicked. Panic, Anxiety, and Fear are a natural default if I am not careful....careful to remember the One in whom I trust- careful to remember His promises- careful to remember that it is He who is in control...He who is guarding and guiding.
As I lay in the dark, staring at the reflection of the clock on the ceiling above the bed, my heart started pounding- racing really...
'What's wrong with Ryan....He's been sick for 24 days and keeps getting sicker'
'What is the reading of the MRI going to say- The picture of Ryan's feet sticking out of the machine earlier that morning was blaring in my mind- the blood draws and the 'we are not quite sure what this is' from the doctors'- I had googled enough about what was going on with Ryan to know that it was more than likely Lyme's disease. I didn't know how far it had progressed but had read horror story after horror story to know it was serious and needed to be treated quickly..
'They just gave Malina 72 hours to live- The Leukemia had come back only this time there was no treatment left.....Jesus WHY....she's so young- she's the mommy to a daughter just 9 months older then Ellie- she needs to raise her daughter- Her husband and family have already seen her suffer so much- they need her too... please Jesus give them strength and give Malina strength....JESUS!!!'
The panic spiraled down from there.......
heart pounding, shaking, the overwhelming thoughts one after another until they seemed to create a pile up crash- the scene of what you would see on the freeway when that first car spirals out of control and there are 20 more behind that can not stop in time....
My Bible was on my nightstand- I grabbed it and put it under my pillow....
With all the panic thoughts, the consistent quiet of 2 Timothy 1:12 was being nudged on my heart...
'For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.'
The choice was mine- was I going to focus on the very real and very loud crash and burn thoughts or was I going to trust the One in whom I believe- The One who promises that He is able to handle and has under control all that is going on in our lives. The One who promises a peace that passes all understanding during hard times...The One who promises that our home is Heaven and it is literally just a breath away...The One that promises strength to the weary and comfort to the broken hearted....the one that promises He will allow nothing into our lives that He will not use for our good and His Glory.... the I AM....
As the news that our Ryan does indeed have Lyme's Disease came in- to the degree he will have to battle it we do not know. We do know that the Specialist is hopeful that 3 months of antibiotics will be the answer...
As the news that Malina was ushered into Heaven- That the much prayed for earthly healing had not taken place but instead her healing had come seeing her Lord and Savior face to face- Heaven, a place where there are no more tears- no more suffering-
As all of this (and more) was confirmed, there was a choice to be made- was I going to panic or commit it all to the Lord with the promise of peace....
I don't know what Ryan's Lyme's will end up looking like-
I can not even imagine the grief Malina's family is experiencing- There are no earthly words that can touch the depth of their sorrow
But what I do know is that we have the promise of a Keeper- a keeper who is able- A Keeper who gives peace to that which we commit to Him until the day He brings us to our Heavenly home.
Jesus I commit all that is going on with Ryan's health and Malina's family to you.......
'For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.' (2 Tim 1:12)
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