I'm afraid of most everything that surrounds the nursing profession
giving shots
blood
wounds
smells
vomit
poop
sickness
suffering
hurting
dying
I know all of this exists but, in the past, insulated myself from facing it's reality.
Until a little over three years ago.
I was given the privilege of walking with those who are suffering and it crushed my heart.
I begged God to take away the crushed feeling and replace it with a callous indifference. I wanted closed ears to the cries of the hurting, and, a callous heart to the deep ache and heaviness of suffering and sickness.
God didn't answer my prayer in a way that I wanted, instead, He surround me with more suffering and more hurting and placed a burden on my heart to help.
Through this, He brought me to a place where the sufferings of others trumped my fear of all the nursing profession requires and I acted.
Three weeks ago, along with my sister-in-law Liz, I enrolled in our local community college to begin the prerequisites to become a nurse.
If possible, I would like to help assist in the treatment of those suffering with Lyme Disease.
Along with enrolling in our community college, Liz and I also signed up for a Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA) course that is intimidating, rewarding, and intense. The course is 9 weekends long with a combined total of 180 hours of classroom and clinical time. During the 9 weeks, we spend 10 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday both in a class room and doing clinical rotations. The clinical rotations allow us to perform the hands on duties of a CNA on residents at skilled nursing facilities (Nursing Homes). Currently, with our CNA class, we have completed 40 hours of 'book' time and will begin 40 hours of 'clinical' time in the morning. We will arrive at a local skilled nursing facility at 5:45 a.m. and leave at 4:15 p.m. both tomorrow and Sunday.
OH MY GOODNESS!
My heart is willing, my mind is terrified, and my gag reflex is strong. I told the instructor of the CNA course that I will be prouder of myself if I can make it through this course then when I/if graduate from actual nursing school. For me, this weekend will be about facing my own inabilities (handling smells, changing dirty briefs, etc.) and not caving to my gag reflex and the intense desire I get to run from overwhelming situations (smells, etc.). I told Liz that if I faint from hyperventilating, just drag me out of the facility and don't let anyone call the ambulance (who wants a bunch of EMT or firemen you know standing over you when your just having a moment of panic?? NOT ME).
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't know what God is up to, putting the desire in my heart to pursue nursing. I could think of many other smarter, more qualified, younger people that would do much better. But for reasons I don't completely understand, He has called me to this season at this time and is clearly guiding this path.
My gut feeling is that this weekend will be a make it or break it for me. Even if I can't stomach the clinicals we will be doing and I choose to quit (or if I involuntarily throw up continuously from repetitive gagging and then think about what I am doing and gag some more and then throw up some more and the cycle continues and I have to quit because it is so disruptive to the group- yes, I think this could happen- I know people who, even when talk about things that have grossed them out start gagging- what if I am that person....is there a clinical diagnosis for a repetitive gagger- one that gags continuously for the rest of their life....ahahahaaaaa. I joke. I hope. could this happen?), I will still be so thankful for the last 3 weeks and will be able to hold my head high (not feeling like a failure but instead just so thankful for the experience). If my weak stomach can overcome this clinical, the next hurdle will be passing Biology :)
Here's to a God who places dreams in our hearts we never knew we had and gives us the courage it takes to overcome fears!
P.S. I pray He is a God of blocking offensive smells in our nose too....bahahaaaa!!!
P.S.S. I'm super proud of Liz- She's got a rock solid stomach and some grit. Those smells don't got nothin' on her!
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| Here we go! |
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